and hi. I’m back.
I’m talking about the tools I’ve learned in courses and books, tools that bring me back to reality, pleasure, and power when I’m acting as if I’m helpless. Most of them I learned in Mastery, but some of them are meditation and coaching techniques. I have so many tools that WORK and I forget to use them. I even shot a video that was featured on the member portion of the SWA website about how I remember to use the tools! The biggest challenge is remembering to use them at work. First thing this morning, I meditated on Day 121 of A Course in Miracles. Last night, I Spring-cleaned and flirted. This morning I bragged and listed gratitudes and desires. This afternoon, I’m returning to 43T.
I’m wearing dresses and skirts much more often and more consciously creating outfits, rather than just making sure I’m covered.
The big deficiencies in my outer style now are belts, handbags, and my hair, which is fairly style-less. Not sure what to do about the hair. As far as belts, and other accessories, I just need to carve out time and keep hitting the thrift stores regularly.
I’m going to start supporting them with hate, disrespect, impatience, and stupidity, so I’m marking this as done.
because our lovely Jessy is being held by us and she’s warrior enough to claim the space she needs!
I was going to write that I’ve recently come to the realization that I don’t care about getting things done, but that would be a lie. I’ve known for a long time that getting things done, achieving things, is boring to me. I just don’t care. I don’t have health goals or career goals. I don’t want to fix any of the world’s problems. I don’t want to produce or publish anything. There are some things I’d like to own and experiences I think are fun, but I tried to make a bucket list and it had two things on it. Marry my sweetie some day and remember that the Divine and I are simultaneous. That’s it.
Beyond that, it’s making enough money to pay the bills so I have time and space for myself and the things I like. I like painting and sex and great conversations and writing poems and dancing and affection and living to the edges of this human I am. That’s probably why I haven’t been here lately. A list of things to do doesn’t interest me. I’m far more interested in how I feel than what I do. It feels good to admit that. I don’t care what my job title is or what car I drive or where I’ve traveled or what movies I’ve seen or how long I can run or how much I’ve written.
I really want to be fully okay with caring about being and not doing in a culture that judges on doing.
I haven’t been around much. Let’s see what I said I’d do in 2012.
I’m still using the tools regularly and seeing a definite difference in how I respond to things and my overall stress and joy. I think it’s made my relationship better, too.
It looks like my October poet has gone AWOL, so I’ll use one of my poems and see if I can get someone for November. Very annoying.
Divine Abundance Group/Coaching with AB
We’re on a break since the other woman in my coaching group just had a baby, but I’m still using the techniques to connect to my PSI. My last session was amazing. I definitely want to get back to this once my money situation is good.
Curb my spending
I just spent a tidy sum on my car for routine maintenance and a tidy sum on art supplies for a painting course I’m taking. It looks like I’ll pay off half my debt this month. I’d really like to pay it all off next month so I have two months of breathing space before I jump in 2013.
This is seriously fucked up. I have glossopharyngeal neuralgia, which means a nerve in my brain is overfiring. It’s crazy painful, so I’m on seizure meds to control it. Getting used to them was difficult and my poor brain still isn’t what it used to be. Then I got a really bad cold that won’t go away. Then I spent a day puking and it looks like I’ve got an intestinal bug. Throw in a few other viruses and rashes and strange blisters on my hands. One health problem after another for nearly two months. I’m so tired of being sick and better, sick and betterish. I want to be WELL already! My energy is improving, so I’m hopeful I can start walking or running again.
Honestly, none of these goals is doing much for me. I want to be in good health, but making it a goal seems blaaaaaah. The Mastery stuff is becoming second-nature and I stay in contact with a lot of the women from my class and other classes. The column is chugging along. I do want to increase my income and I know that cutting needless expenses is part of that, so that one still feels important. But the rest…eh.
I asked for and got a 20% discount on an amazing painting workshop, but it still puts pressure on the budget. I can probably pay this off without slowing down my other debt payments. I know it’s smart to feed my artistic hunger or I lose energy for everything and begin to make stupid choices in all areas. So is this a smart financial choice right now? I know it feeds my heart and soul and at the end of my life, taking this course and creating this particular piece of art while in the community of amazing women artists will outweigh the temporary financial strain. I’m going to consider this a smart choice.
I also bought three shirts and a pair of tan ankle boots for a total of $140. The shirts cover my tattoos, which means I can wear some of my sleeveless dresses to work without horrifying the conservatives here. That extends my work wardrobe and makes it less dull. I bought the pink (pic attached), the same shirt in navy, and an olive green linen shirt in much the same style that has rhinestones on the front. It seems like a smart choice, but maybe not the smartest timing. The boots were pure indulgence, though I think I’ll wear them fairly regularly and it’s not easy to find good looking boots that aren’t leather.
More troubling than the individual purchases are the way that one leads to another. I recently bought new towels to replace my threadbare ones and the entire BtVS series. I used points for BtVS, but there’s something about buying that makes me want to buy more and more and more. OKAY. Noted. No more non-necessary purchases until August 19th.
I’ll be able to pay all but $500 of my credit card, but I was able to transfer that amount to a no-interest card for a $15 fee, much less than I would pay if I kept it on the original card. It looks like I’ll be entirely out of debt by the end of the year if I keep my spending under control and don’t have any unexpected and unavoidable charges. Having the set aside fund has been a lifesaver. I don’t know why I didn’t have one sooner and save myself a lot of stress!
this weekend. Simple enough – a short denim sundress with a blue plaid shirt over it, sleeves rolled up, a brown leather belt cinched tight around my waist and my brown roping boots. One of the servers at the restaurant said it was really cute and I know I looked great, but I felt really vulnerable about it being an outfit, as opposed to just some clothes I threw on.
I felt like taking a little extra time made it clear that I wanted to look good and that somehow gave other people power. It was really interesting to feel all this defensive anxiety over putting on a damn belt and some boots! My attitude and force of personality make people think I could care less what others think and that’s part of my “charm,” but it’s good for me to be aware that creating an outer style that is a true reflection of me may stir up some inner demons.
I graduated! I also had a hellish time getting to graduation, due to weather and airline f’upery. I’m still using the tools with the women and digesting all that happened.
In July, I want to continue with the exquisite self-care and deep listening that seems most important now. This is directly from my May Review and it still seems important! I also want to meet up with a woman from the class at least once and SC at least twice a week and stay active in the online forums and be there for the first follow-up call.
I am still waiting for the bio & pics for the article that’s due, um, now, but it will all work out in the end. In July, I will write a new poem for the column and gather all the materials for my August featured poet.
Divine Abundance Group/Coaching with AB
I sent my payment for July & August and have been checking in regularly. I’m doing a creative vision quest right now and the messages from my Muse and from my PSI dovetail perfectly.
Curb my spending
I bought art supplies, but used a $50 gift card for most of them. I will be buying one more item for the course I’m taking. I haven’t bought non-necessities other than the occasional bag of Cornuts. I consider coffee a necessity. I will be able to pay off a large chunk of this last credit card bill, which means I’ll be entirely out of debt sooner than I thought. Sweet! I had to pay $262 for a new side window because my car was broken into while I was having my hellish travel experience.
My sleep cycle got all messed up during the 50 (out of 55) hours I was awake during my unintentional tribal initiation while traveling to New York. I’m putting myself back on a strict sleep schedule. I did well with not eating sugar while I was stranded and have continued with that. I haven’t been eating salad or many veggies. I have done a teensy eensy bit of exercise lately.
In July, I will be going to a once a week burlesque charm school & chorus girl choreography class. I’m hoping I’ll enjoy it enough to stick with it. I’ll commit to eating veggies three times a week. You’d think that’d be easy for a vegetarian, but noooooo. I have become lazier and lazier about making food for myself. Last night I had brown rice with meatless meatballs & Thai green curry sauce. Adding veggies to that would be really easy.
because my dad was so weak and nauseated. He hasn’t been able to eat much lately. I’ll see them tomorrow and will get a better read on how he’s doing. He sounded awful on the phone: slurred voice, shaky, could only stay on a few minutes.
My mother is getting more and more sharp with him as he forgets things. He’s an old man, dying, and on morphine. I wish my mother would express her (life-long) rage in some way that doesn’t land on him. Not only would it be kinder, it might allow her to access her other emotions, which right now seem to be blocked behind the anger. Of course, she thinks she isn’t angry at all. Oy. My sister is really upset about it and I’m trying to keep myself healthy, love on my dad as often as I can without exhausting him, and avoid my mother if I think I can’t hold my tongue.
Let’s put it this way. I learned to be a bitch from the best.
Yes! I’ll have one flight cross-country, a three day NYC hotel stay, ground transport and other traveling expenses on it in June, but I have until the beginning of July to transfer it to the no-interest credit card.
I ordered a lap desk/laptop holder/meal tray. My apartment is too small for a table, so I eat my meals on the couch and it would be more comfortable and less messy to have a tray. This one is adjustable and folds for easy storage. I can also use it when I use my laptop on the couch.
I may be able to pay off my whole credit card bill this month, which would mean the only debt I’d have would be what I spend on the NYC weekend in June. I’m going to the drugstore today for bleach, toothpaste, and garlic caps, but I have a 20% off coupon. I think I can do this. I would be SO proud of myself if I do!
that I write out a vitriolic rant about my mother. I did that and now feel more able to support her. It felt AMAZING to really let it fly – all the rage, hate, and judgment. Very cleansing. I know how she and my father handle their business is none of mine AND I know it’s smart to honor my emotions instead of living in denial and simmering in resentment. I’ve still got more emotional charge to be discharged before I see her again, so I’m continuing to release it in ways that won’t hurt her.
My parents have agreed that visits to them shouldn’t last more than one hour, two for very special occasions. They’ve asked my sister and I to help them enforce that, which is a big step for them. This means I won’t be seeing them every week, as two visits in a week, even short ones, wipe out my poor dad. So if it’s a week where they’ve had another visit, I’ll not see them or just do a ten minute hug and run.
to NOT live with my sweetheart. Yep, that’s a direct contradiction of my last entry on this goal. I love the man, but suburbia is deadly to me. Big houses may be deadly to me, too. At least big houses crammed full of STUFF. It’s not an environment where I thrive and I’m not willing to settle for less than thriving.
I am so proud of how well I’ve attended to self-care during this busy month! I went to Miami Beach for a weekend and NYC for a weekend. Both were amazing and I learned a TON about myself. It was also tiring. I had not expected so much depth to the work we do in Mastery. Even Miami was illuminating and I had thought of it as a light funfunfun weekend. It was that, and more. Standing naked in the ocean, surrounded by a hundred women, under the supermoon, was healing.
I’m so glad that we’re given so many tools in the program. It’s horribly frustrating to be told what to do or not do without any tools to help you and this program has tools, tools, tools. I’m using them, too. I Spring Clean, brag, do gratitudes, and write my desires at least five times a week. I am so grateful for the program and the community.
In June, I want to honor where I am, which is a quieter, inner-focused place in which I am not interested in showing up for other people. I am interested in showing up for myself. Graduation is in June, so one more trip to NYC. I want to continue with the exquisite self-care and deep listening that seems most important now.
I just submitted my June column. I also sent an email of thanks to our editor and the other columnists. That felt good. In June, I’d like to write and submit my July column and request bios and pics from the poets I’m featuring in August and October.
Divine Abundance Group/Coaching with AB
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I cannot recommend this methodology enough for anyone who’s interested in a consistent, sensually joyful connection with the Divine. I’m connecting to my Divine Beloved regularly, sometimes during the ten-minute morning meditation we have several times a week at work. I’ve experienced amazing healing and the work I do with my DB meshes perfectly with Mastery and everything else in my life. This is one of the best things I’ve ever done. In June, I’ll send a payment for July & August.
Curb my spending
I have been loose with my spending on books and bought a pair of sandals, a dress and two skirts in May. I’ve got $1900 on my credit card and about $1000 available to pay it. I got a new no-interest balance transfer offer that lasts through August 2013, so I’ll transfer the rest. I’ve also slipped back into drugstore spending that isn’t necessary or pleasurable, so I’ve put myself back on restriction. I go the drugstore only when I have a need, a list, and a coupon.
I changed the name of this resolution. I did Couch to 5k and then gave up running. At the moment, flourishing health is being fostered by keeping a clean environment at home, since clutter stresses me out, keeping good sleep hygiene, and the occasional set of crunches and stretches and playing with the 6lb medicine ball. I’m drenching my eyes and brain in color, which is very, very good for me. I’m drinking lots of water, taking garlic oil supplements, and getting regular sensual pleasure.
I’m also eating a lot of sugar and drinking more alcohol.
In June, I want to add some fun movement every day. I want to cut way down on sugar and drink less alcohol. I want to eat at least one salad every week. It won’t make me superfit, but it’s what I can commit to in June.
in NYC wearing a flowing velveteen skirt and an underbust black leather back-laced steel-boned corset with nothing but a scarf underneath to cover my breasts. I felt totally comfortable going to Starbucks for breakfast, a deli for lunch, and walking to my hotel. It’s becoming more uncomfortable for me to wear “safe” boring clothing than to wear something beautiful and daring.
Clearly, I’m neither safe nor boring; I am beautiful and daring.
but you get the idea.