Tiredoftrying

I am so frustrated with life and people. People seem to think that because I am fat I am not worth knowing. They also seem to think that I should lose the weight yet they don’t know how hard it is to lose just 10 lbs when a woman is in her 40’s. Also, I am having trouble with my husband. No sooner as we have a fight he disappears. I give and give at work and he expects me to give at home. What I mean by give is that I expected to take care of everything, pay the bills, obtain a cleaning service for our apt, make arrangements for whatever we want do, etc. I do everything and he never offers to help. I really wish he would step up the plate for once and offer to take me out to dinner or do something fun for once. I mentioned going to Las Vegas as I have never been and agreed it was a great idea but cannot seem to help with making the arrangements. He expects me to make all the arrangements just like I do at work. I am sick of this attitude of his! I am ready for a divorce but cannot afford to live on my own as of yet. I need to raise my salary by at least $20k a year. SF Bay Area is very expensive to live in. I need to change my life. I am so unhappy. Even my cat is a traitor..as he seems to go to my husband at times and I really don’t want him to get attached to my husband what with my husband being a jerk. I need a primal screaming room right now or a change of life. Take me away….

I am 42 years of age, have had eight years of psychotherapy, tried Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Prozac and am tired of trying to live. I am overweight from all the medicine and being too tired to try to exercise. I have driven all my friends away and my therapist moved out of state and so I have no one to talk to. I had a job for four years and left it after they set me up to fail so I was given the choice to quit, got another job but found I hated it so much that I got laid off, and now I cannot get a job as there is so much competition out in the administrative world and no wants to hire someone like me who has most of my job experience with less than two years at employers.

I married a guy to help him get a green card with the idea that he would help me to get a better life. He had agreed to help me be able to go back to school and that he would cover the living expenses of rent and utilities. Well, we have been married a year and a half now and nothing has gotten better, in fact it has gotten worse. He drives a taxi part time and he just got into a car accident (not his fault) and with his neck and back injury, cannot work for a month. He is home all the time now and is driving me crazy with being a jerk (expects me to clean up for him, etc.) He can move and so he drives over to friend’s house to escape. We both pay our part of the rent and living expenses but he has no respect for my things and has damaged my dining table, pots and pans, and other household items. He cooks smelly spicy food that I do not like and it smells up the apartment. He practically steps on my cat when it laying on the floor. I secretly think he would like to allow it to escape out the front door. That would devastate me if that happened.

I am so tired of trying to live that I have a death wish now. He has his pain meds in his bedroom and there are about five bottles full of meds from vicodin, hydrocordesone, extra strenth ibuprophen, carasoprodol and tamadrol. Now all I need is a quart of vodka or some form of alcohol. I am not sure if all of those meds plus alcohol will be a good way to commit suicide but am I am definitely thinking about doing it.

Yeah, yeah..only cowards commit suicide but as I said at the beginning, I have tried to live and now I think it is time to die. I hope someone takes care of my wonderful Sylvester the cat. My poor Dad will be devastated if I die but I don’t want to live with this pain anymore.