Sawyer Frey

well my current list of problems has officially refreshed. pretty much most of the things before are now gone, except for family issues. my sister and mother are driving me off the wall. they talk about the most useless shit and i wonder if anything goes on in her head that doesn’t come out of her mouth… i seriously doubt it. anyway, my salvation from this is my little band group (yay) me, a sophomore, and a few high school graduates lol. well the only problem from that is that my family absolutely hates when i do anything with them. cause it totally interferes with their schedule, right???

my mom complained earlier today because we got home late from a concert last night, and the only two things my mom cares at all about my life is my sleep and my schoolwork. its astounding how she doesn’t even think about why i do what i do, and how everything else is so much more important to me. the concert was sold out, and it was a long ass drive outta there. she understood, but still HAD to comment on the times i had gotten home late previously without excuse. all the consequences of those were… oh wait. NOTHING. me getting home late hasn’t interfered with my life at school or home AT ALL! i actually go to sleep EARLIER when i have been out because i am more tired! and she bitches about them not respecting my age… it just really pisses me off. i was invited to go see a jazz club and she wouldn’t let me because how late i got home last night. how many hours of sleep did i get? 11! ELEVEN!!!!!!
and before, my dad said that i’m on death row for lack of sleep. WOW!!!!!!!! i’m barely even sad i’m just so pissed!!!! and she even accepted the fact that i slept for 11 hours, and just doesn’t even care because she doesn’t want me out doing things. it’s not even that i have to be home for any reason. and now she’s here and i have to go.

i have had difficulty expressing my feelings lately.

i am very lonely but my mind realizes that relationships (especially at my age) are entirely superficial and it is hardly worth the trouble. many things i desire i simply wouldn’t seek because my belief that it will turn out wrong or that its just not who i am.

i find shelter in music, but my ipod is broken and i can rarely listen to anything which clogs my emotional flow. its really troubling and i have a lot of feelings, but again, no way to express them. i would LOVE to express myself through music, but it is incredibly hard for me. i would love to make instrumental tracks, but no one would listen to them, and it wouldn’t get quite as much emotion out of me. however, i suck at writing lyrics. i am far too blunt and just don’t get inspiration very often. i explain all the details, leaving the listener nothing left to think about or wonder. i hope to change this one day.

school starts tomorrow.

everyone is mad but i’m just glad something is changing. something has been wrong with me lately. i have no idea what. i hope i get distracted by change.

change.

the thing that has probably caused me the most distress lately is that i don’t have ‘stuff’ to speak of, but i am always thinking about the things my friends are worrying about.

there are also petty things that i shouldn’t be mad about but i am. liike that no one seems to care about my problems, but i don’t ask them to, and its not thier problem.

sometimes i feel like i need to help the people in my friend’s lives that are distressed, but i have to stop and remember that it’s not my place. maybe someday i will have my own story and purpose.

i have a lot of issues lately but i have trouble organizing and explaining them. it pretty much comes down to i don’t have problems. and i am having a lot of trouble understanding one of my friends. we are not so close anymore. i hope my troubles ease and change as school starts. again, i just wish i had someone to talk to, that wanted to help understand and relieve my problems.

i stared at the stars while walking for a long time tonight. it was beautiful beyond description, and life is. everything that everyone worries about is so petty, and i wish we could all live in peace and just love life.

as one man walks into the gates of heaven, he stares at its majesty and is happy to be making the change there. slowly he looks back at what he leaves behind little by little. this was me tonight. when i looked back, i envisioned myself leaving heaven, escaping the small barricade that the gates were, and entering the free open world that everyone takes for granted. the grass is always greener on the other side. love and appreciate your grass.

i love looking into the sky and beholding its beauty, especially at night. regardless of any people joining me (as i don’t have anyone entirely interested in a session of thoughts and emotions) i decided to sleep under the stars as well, and love every minute of it.