Torchsingerbynight

I think that maybe the last person that we all forget to forgive, is ourselves. We can forgive everybody else, but the one person who has hurt us the most is the very person who is hurting. So, it’s hard.

I think that I need to forgive myself for alot of things. Self loathing, being my primary reason. Another reason is that I have held out for something better, everytime I was presented with an opportunity. But nothing better ever came along, so I hated the fact that I did that and missed out on something great. I learned to not do that anymore, which is kind of the reason I am making a life’s to do list.

I have screwed up majorly in the past, and though I have pologized to the people around me, forgiven the people who have wronged me, I never confronted myself.

So… I’m sorry. And I forgive me.

This year, I plan on recording an album and submitting it to as many record labels as possible. I met a guy who knows some record labels; even better: he happens to be a producer. More better: His brother is a songwriter. Even more unfathomably better: He lives in Arkansas, very close by. Things this year were turning into crap, until here recently. Then it all started going uphill.

I’ve got alot of faith and hope for the future. Even if the record that I make doesn’t ever go anywhere or get me anything but a little well deserved ego boost, it’s allright. That’s something that I will just have under my belt and be able to look back on and realize… even though I may not have gone anywhere with it, I did get to experience something amazing.

I’ve decided that I cannot live my life afraid to try because the underlying possibility of failure. Life is about mistakes; the reason we have free-will, is because of that 50/50 chance that we might seriously screw up… but be able to learn from it.

When I die, I don’t want to gently walk through the door of eternity, clean, in one piece, fresh as a daisy, and relatively untouched. I want to skid into home base, kicking up dust behind me, hollering from the top of my lungs, “Whooooo Hoooo, That was a gooooood ride!” A book of memories in one hand, and a Bud Light in the other, and covered from head to toe in dirt.

I think, that since music is so universal, why isn’t everyone recording an album? Whether its something you wrote or its something someone else wrote, singing is one of the most intimate ways of communicating, because you show parts of your character that otherwise would have gone unnoticed. The toughest, most masculine man could intimidate anyone… until you hear him singing his baby a lullabye. Then, all other preconceptions about him slip away.

So anyways, I’m working very hard on making this goal of recording an album, a reality.

I plan on doing this next summer! I’m working my ass off this year to save up enough money to do it. I’m thinking 10 grand will do it. I’m buying a cheap truck, with one of those camper covers over the bed of it. And I’ve got this really cool, small and very short charcoal grill.

My plan is to jump in my truck with all the finances planned out; gasoline, food, insurance, emergency funds, cell phone bill, repairs, etc. Notice I didn’t mention lodging? I’ve got a really nice futon mattress that Im going to put in the back of it. And I want to just jump in that truck with me, my clothes, a laptop, a video camera, a digital picture camera, a cell phone, my grill, some food, my electric keyboard and a guitar… and hitting the road.

The plan is to not really have any plan as far as where I’m going, but to just go. And drive until I find something and video tape it and write about it and document all this that I see… And live. I’m planning on making a to-do list of things that most everyone needs to do in their lives, and setting out to do it within a 6 month time period, being as frugal as possible. I want to meet people, make a difference, help others, be admired, be respected, put everything into perspective and love life.

I’m 21 years old and now is the perfect time to do it. I want to be a singer, I can do it; record that record that I’ve been meaning to do. But I can only do it with 10 grand saved up and the money I make on the road by singing for tips. I want to limit myself to not having a “real job”, but rather, living life and doing what is important- growing closer to G-d. 6 months to do it is great and I dont think it would be a real waste of time, because I’ve spent well over 6 months at a time, going straight to work, coming home, going to work, coming home… all for the money.

Anyhow… I might live in my truck on the beach somewhere in Venice, California. Maybe in South Miami. Maybe I will drive up to New York City and do it there for a while. It’s up in the air at this point, but where ever I go, I know I’m going to leave in impression.

What do you think about my silly, bohemian, gypsy idea? Please let me know.

dr_desiree84@yahoo.com
http://www.myspace.com/torchsingerbynight