TraceyLenore

I wrote this entry a year ago on my online diary

Life goes on.

“Memories can be either really good, or really bad. I am not sure what the memories that were spawned by todays accidental discovery are. I logged into my yahoo account as I usually do. To do the usual deletion of spam, the occasional facebook notification and the like… when I was saving an email for later, I found a slew of emails I had apparently kept from 2003. Seven years is a long time to have emails. I am not sure why I decided to save them…maybe they just really meant a lot to me at that time…or maybe I just liked reading the words…

But there they were. A reminder of what once was. To read them, brought back so many thoughts. Feelings… no. Thoughts yes. To know that I once inspired such feeling… and then destroyed it… is kind of sad. Ok it’s more than sad. The way I acted back then, was stupid…and probably at times, scary as hell. Live and learn. I learned a great deal from that whole experience.

I learned that the heart does indeed heal. It forgives, it goes on. But it doesn’t forget does it? It hangs on to the memory. I have been building up walls since that moment. Ones that no one has been able to tear down. Right now I am wondering if I should say “Go ME!” or “Damn this sucks.”

No longer do I wait for a knight in not so shiny armor. There are no fairy tales here. Reality has shown me too much. People have faults. They have issues… and most are damaged by other people.

I guess you could say I am damaged as well.

I felt something. Something more than I had ever felt…and when I lost it, I felt dead. I had always thought that ‘dead inside’ was an exaggeration. It’s not. Breathing took effort. Then slowly, it got better. I began to piece together my heart… and what went wrong.

I found ways to pass the time. I got better.. and better… and holy fuck I am super now ;) LOL

Now I am looking for a new house, have to…I have two more people to house. I currently have custody of my sister’s two kids. I am hoping I get a new job come next week. I have my fingers crossed. Federal employment would rock!!

Anyway…just thought i would write something so no one could read it.”

After reading this…I decided to go and read his diary. It hasn’t been updated in years, but its funny how words on a screen can still make you melt…can bring back the sound of a voice…and the smile to your face.

And then you want to slam your head against a hard surface after you cry a river.

It sucks. It really really sucks.

Like most teenagers in the 90s, I chose the depo shot for birth control. Little did I know the havoc it would cause me physically. In about two months, I gained about 20lbs. I hadn’t changed my eating or physical fitness routine (I was pretty active) My then doctor told me that it was normal. Uh, how is gaining that much weight NORMAL?? Anyway that was the beginning of a bad journey. I gained more weight and was diagnosed with type II diabetes at the age of 25. Wonderful eh? Yeah feel the sarcasm oozing from that. My downward spiral had begun.

Four years ago, I found a doctor willing to do testing and with lots of blood work, a few ultrasounds…and some serious optimism, we found out what was wrong. My thyroid had been testing at normal for years. I started having night sweats and hot flashes (yeah the signs of menopause heh) I told this to my doctor and told them I wanted an indepth thyroid test. Specifically, I wanted my T3s and T4s checked. And boom… T4s were too high. It didn’t show up on a regular test, but finally we had a clue. So an ultrasound was done, meds were prescribed and some results were seen.

Then she left and went to work in a hospital….so I had to find ANOTHER doctor lol. I found one. A great one. This one changed up all my meds and wasn’t afraid to order tests or tell me the truth. I was put on Victoza and taken off of Glucovance and put on straight metformin. It has done WONDERS!

In the last few months, I have lost 45lbs. I am 25 pounds from my goal weight…and feeling pretty damn good about myself. It’s taken a while to get here, but I am glad it’s finally happening.

Am I done? Oh no. I still have to kick this whole Diabetic thing and get the rest of me on track…but I am staying positive!! I don’t want to be a stick figure…but I want to be a reasonable size.

P.S. taco bell is not helping me with its beefy melt burritos.

So I got my wonderful information today for the Physicians Assistant Course at the college here. A whopping 66,500 estimated price for the course. (Assuming that I can’t test out of the general studies such as Math 101 and English 101) No wonder people stay in debt for many many years. I need to watch more Dave Ramsey videos.

Wow…I mean wow lol But hey, I am pretty sure that I want to attempt it. Definitely do NOT want to enter the legal field…found this out the hard way.