so I’m getting a jump on April towards this goal. For April I’ve decided on Thomas Hobbes’ “Leviathan.” We’ve often discussed it, but only briefly, in various history, humanities, and political science courses. I’ve found his political philosophy espoused in the Leviathan to be very intriguing, to say the least, and I’d like to read it in its entirety. I’ve not peeked inside yet, so hopefully I’ve not made a dreadfully painful choice.
Just thinking about what is already in there to be organized is enough to make me balk at the idea. When I start to consider the heaps of paperwork that still has to find a home, I swear my head starts spinning. Definitely a project that will take many, MANY rainy days, or an extended period of mania.
since adding, i’ve missed my night meds twice and morning meds once; but, hey—it’s a little bit of improvement!
a friend said to me the other day when i informed him that i dropped all my classes for this semester, “nothing feels better than being a quitter.” i knew what he meant right away—it feels like a ton of weight being immediately lifted from your shoulders; but, the guilt that follows as a result is tremendous. could have, should have, would have. blegh.
i never finish anything i start! this is going to take a lot of self-discipline, of which i am in short supply! aren’t the majority of the items on our lists what this list item is all about once set into motion?! wish me luck!
i don’t know what’s up. i need to get my rear in gear. i used to be obsessively early for everything, but now i’m perpetually late. my therapist says that it’s my way of “assuming control.” whatever. i think maybe i’m just an over-medicated bipolar now. no mania, no ocd= no timeliness.
this is something i think i can interpret in my own way: stop living life mechanically. i wake up, i shower, i work, i come home, i cook, i clean, i… fill in the blank. i act mechanically, never living in the moment. never taking the time to live in the moment—to interact with the world around me! i should really talk to people, really taste the food i eat, get outside and enjoy the feel of the of the wind or the rain or the sun on my skin. i could do HUGE things like travel the world or go gamble my money away in a casino, but for me, that isn’t the intent of this goal. it is much simpler. it is simply taking notice of what i miss every day while i exist and living my life from moment to moment.
on 8 crazymeds and 2 health meds. sometimes i don’t take them for a day-and-a-half to two days at time; usually, just because i’m too lazy to count them all out (12 pills in the evening and 10 in the morning) because it involves getting up off my ass when i least feel like it to go get my shopping bag full of pill bottles to do it (i have also tried the pill box method, but get lazy at that as well after awhile and stop filling them up.) the hours begin to tick by and soon it’s too close to the next med dose to take the one i was supposed to take—so f___ it, right? wash, rinse, repeat. the result? i end up having the most horrible med withdrawals. sometimes i think they’re worse than heroin withdrawal—backache, headache, nausea, runny/stuffy nose, fitful and restless sleep in bursts of 20-30 minute increments. night terrors ensue. of course, it goes without saying that HORRIBLE depression creeps back in. suddenly, i’m crying at toilet paper commercials on the telly. i need to take my meds EVERY day, on time! ugh! i hate being medicated!
this may seem like a really small, insignificant goal to some people, but, at 32 years old, i STILL don’t know what i want to be when i grow up! i’m almost finished with an associate in arts—now i just need a career focus to earn my BA or BS in, well, something! I have changed majors more times than i can count: from education to library and information science to nursing to english literature to, well, you get the picture. i prefer the humanities, and right now my major is in sociology with a minor in psychology, however, i just don’t see myself in that career field. i’m not interested in working with people on such a deep level, nor am i interested in grad school at this point (after 10 years trying to earn a bachelors degree!) i’ve tried career counseling, but i consciously skew the results in favor of whatever my current major is (even though i try not to!) long story short, i have no direction. i’m the perpetual student. what to do….
