TrixieSneaker

Okay, well I finally made some progess.
I can’t turn off the t.v. because my bf really likes it.
That is what is really holding me back.
So I decided to just do other things while the t.v. is on.
For example, last night I got out my sketchbook and made some doodles, then I did some baking.
I think my bf was insipired because he started doing other things, too! He learned a new song on the guitar!
I know he also wants a more full and interesting life and I think this is turning into something we can do together which is totally rad!

First I had to figure out why this is important to me.

I like to do it. I feel obligated to use my talents. I want to express myself and share that expression with other people. I want to make a living at it.

I think that last point is really undermining all the others. It causes me to think too much about the end result..what does it say? Does it look too amaturish? Will people like it? That’s actually pretty stressful.

This all has the affect of taking the joy out of the act of creation and inhibitting pure self-expression. Kind of…takes the soul out of it.

I am right in the middle of a painting but from here on in, I am focusing on enjoying the doing of it, instead of what it will look like when it’s done.

So far this goal is going pretty well.
Slowly but surely. I’m still having troubles getting dressed before noon, but when I do, I’m actually putting some effort in.

I figured out that I need to convince myself that spending 30 to 60 minutes in front of the mirror is not a waste of time, so I’ve come up with a few personal positives. (I can’t just focus on how other people see me because that will make me crazy.)

1. It is an opportunity to be playful and creative.

2. When I really don’t want to do it, it is still an opportunity to practice concentration and disipline.

3. I am becoming more familiar with my own face and body which is strengthening my sense of identity.

When I focus on these things, the goal seems more worth it.

So now that I am getting a handle on how to deal with this day-to-day, it’s time to think of the next step. Like getting regular haircuts.