I did a Mental Health Wellness walk Friday, it was 2 miles. I was doing it on my own because P wanted me to have my own experience and she would cheer me on at the finish. Plus, she had to work. Weight Watchers is more important after all. She text me to ask me how I was holding up and as I sat there in my dining room chair with my shoes laced up and my Mental Health Wellness walk shirt I told her I didnt know if I could do it alone. It was very scary for me to go and try to find a place to park, walk up on a large group of people and then start at a start line not knowing anyone. She text me back and said that she was so proud that I was putting all of those things aside to help the Randy’s, Curtis’s and Dan’s of the world. That made me smile. Those were some of my clients in St. Louis. “someone needs to fight for them, you’re perfect.” So, I went. Alone. I found a parking space, which anyone who knows me, I HATE to drive. I walked up on and waited at the start with a large group of people that I didnt know and walked 2 miles by myself.
It was cool to say I did it, but as I told P, my walking days for races or wellness walks, thats over. I dont like doing it alone. She never made it to the finish either. I walked back to the church and waited for her to arrive there because she didnt get out of work in time. I told her she made me feel unimportant and so not special in comparison to WW. I know they helped me lose 50lbs, but damn, I really hate that company. To me, it stands for a company who promotes their leaders having affairs with members significant others. I cant behind, or apparently, beyond that.
I told P that if she wants to race in the Boston marathon she has to agree to 2 things. 1) after the marathon, she has to agree to pay off 2 credit cards in LESS than 1 year. That means no more spending money on races or anything frivilous for at least 5 months. She said ok. I have to laugh, Im thinking by day 6 she will be sounding like a 6 year old “I promise I’ll never ask for anything again if you let me get this…” and 2) every single expense from a new pair of shoes to hotel to travel to food need to be paid in cash. NO cards whatsoever. Again, she agreed. She did say she could wait until 2011 to race, I told her 2010 is fine if she can do these things. I told her I was SOOO not kidding. She can tell Im serious about a lot of things since the affair. This is a partnership, not a one personship.
Its called priorities, find out what is more important, paying debt and living a stress free life or running races and racking up debt to fund it.
I often say this to myself and others who need to hear it. “Its about priorities, where are yours?”
P’s 40th birthday party is in August. I sent out evites and my mother and her brother responded NO. My mother said her and my step father have a wedding to go to. “Whose mom?” My step father’s neice who she sees every 2-3 years. Are you kidding me? Did you just hear yourself. She doesnt want my step father to be upset. He sees them all the time. “I didnt invite him mother”. She will send a gift. I ended the conversation with “Im sure she doesnt want it”.
P’s brother said no because high school starts that week. ??? go ahead, I didnt get it either. “You can leave at 5am, be here by lunchtime, come to party, spend the night and be back in Michigan next am same time. Thats what we did to see you and pop for christmas and pop’s birthday”. Besides, as I pointed out, his children are in high school, what kind of prep needs to be done in the span of 1 1/2 days?
Is every family I come into contact with stupidly idiotic? Its her 40th birthday. They want what they want when they want it, yet a 2 hour party for my partner is out of the question because there has to be some sort of effort expended to get it done.
Jackasses. All of them. Im realizing that this is a trend with families in general. I wish we were like birds. We are hatched, live with family for a year and then get the hell out never to be seen again. That would rock.
I would be a photographer for National Geographic.
Breathtaking. Amazing. Most of the time, once in a lifetime shots.
I love corny shows like Extreme Eats on the travel channel. It all started with Extreme Hot Dogs, I am quite a hot dog eater. Its what pulled me back from the vegetarian side. Yesterday as I waited for the girl to get home so we could go to date night (every Wednesday), I watched one on extreme All you can eat places. In Boston, at a place called cafe fleuri, its all you can eat chocolate and dessert. $35 per person, open until 2am, you can sit there all day if you want. P said when she goes for the Boston Marathon we should go the day after. I might be inclined to agree.
I have been making breakfast at home (2 eggs, piece of canadian bacon), bring the english muffin to toast here and grab some yogurt and strawberries from the cafe while my english muffin is toasting. Total = 7.5 points for breakfast which keeps me covered until lunch around 1pm. I sit at my desk and look at what happened overnight in the NICU while the rest of the world slept and listen to 1940’s jazz.
Its not quite eating while watching Angel on TNT from 6:25-6:40, but its actually very nice. There is no one here that early so, its just me and my breakfast.
Made another KIVA loan. I realized once you get so many, the repayment plan lets you re-loan about every month or so. Im a little torn on this one. I was so excited to see someone from Mongolia that I jumped on it and only after did I realize that it was for his timber/lumber business. My mouth dropped and my coworker Rhonda looked at me and said “NO you didnt”.
Crap. Im glad I could help but this one is gonna eat at me.
I wish him well anyway. Everyone deserves food, a warm bed and a better life. Everyone.
Heard this song on my way to work today and remembered that it was once one of my FAVORITE songs. I was grunge when it was simply known as “scumbag”. Suddenly Seattle exploded and I wasnt so scumbag. I always knew I was ahead of my time.
This song was seriously my life back then. It set me free.
I took a drive today
Time to emancipate
I guess it was the beatings made me wise
But I’m not about to give thanks or apologize
I couldn’t breathe holdin’ me down
Hand on my face kissin’ the ground
Enmity gauged united by fear
‘Posed to endure what I could not forgive…
I seem to look away
Wounds in the mirror waved
It wasn’t my surface most defiled
Head at your feet fool to your crown
Fist on my plate, swallowed it down
Enmity gauged, united by fear
Tried to endure what I could not forgive
Once you, were in my…Rearview mirror…
I gather speed from you fucking with me
Once and for all I’m far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades…are raised…hey…
Saw things so much clearer
Once you, once you…
Today when I get home I am changing clothes, going to the park and doing the 2nd day of Couch to 5k on podcast. Im kind of excited. Nobody wakes up running a 5k. This is my start.
P said she would cook dinner tonight which is meatloaf, sweet potatoes and green beans along with pineapple and grapes. Im very nervous about it. She has never cooked it. “I’ll be fine, you go run”. I can do it when I get back….you have to run too. “No, no, its my rest day. I’ll be great. You take time for you. I can tackle a meatloaf”. Eek.
New experiences all around.
My mom asked if I was excited about the job interview with the Red Cross tomorrow. “Sure”, I said. “Whats it for?” The same stuff I did while I was in NYC, plus Community Emergency Preparedness. “Traveling?” Im not sure. Thats what the interview is for I guess. “why do you want to leave your job if you like it?” I told her its mostly the abusive division chief. Im not really keen on training residents on how to use a computer charting system. Im a numbers person, not a computer person. “why would you leave if it isnt so bad? You have never held a job for more than 6 months, this is the first time”...
WHA?! 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10….still irritated. 1,2,3,4,5,6…
Forget it. I tell her I have been here 3 years. I was a social worker for 3 years. Even putting myself through college, at 30 years old I worked as a barista for minimum wage in a bookstore—2 years. “Because I cannot hold a job, mom. Im indecisive and just plain messed up I guess”. I said I had to go because I was busy, sat back and thought, this is how my mother sees me. Does my mother see me?
Thats what I get for answering the phone.
72. Morningstar veggie patty with whole wheat arnold thin, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, red onion, black olives and 1 thinly sliced piece of Land O Lakes light american yellow cheese with 1/2 tspn of kraft mayo. Total points = 4.5 points for lunch. But, its the most awesomest, yummiest lunch ever. Ive been eating it 3-4 times a week thats how good it is.
71. This amazing song by Sara Bareilles called Gravity. Its horribly sad, but I love…LOVE listening to it. It makes me want to dance. I guess I could put this under “things I would do if I knew I could succeed”, I would dance the way I want to dance when I hear this song. It could be about anyone really, my family, myself. The emotion it evokes when I hear it though, I stop working everytime I hear it and just sit and listen to it with my eyes closed. It makes me happy that I know what she means and I fulfilled Sara’s ultimate wish about a song: it has touched me in a way I never thought a song could and it makes me want to dance like I know what Im doing and like no one is watching.
This is my 2 favorite dancers from SYTYCD. They danced to this song and I loved it. So mad Kupono got voted off. He needs to be a runway model anyway. He is PERFECT for runway.
Heres the dance if you want to see it.
Not so much in that you may someday want to work for that company again, but its the right thing to do. I dont want particularly LOVE my job, but its alright. Some days are cool. I would want the person to come after me to start out on a better foot than I did. The girl who trained me didnt like me so she told me all of the wrong things to do so when she left and I did them, I was constantly “talked to”. When I said it was the way Kerry trained me, they all told me I must have misunderstood. Almost 3 years later, my work blows hers out of the water and some of the doctors have come around and realized I wasnt lying.
So, if I get any of the jobs I am interviewing for, I started keeping a training manual for the next person. You want to give someone all the tools they can to succeed, right? This is what is wrong with the world. We DONT want other people to succeed because we want to be remembered. Truth is, in 6 months or a year, you’ll be lucky if the people you once worked with will rememeber your full name. “oh yeah, Tara…..something. Tall girl with glasses.” That will be my claim to fame. You have to decide to be ok with that. You have moved on to bigger and better things, this new person, this is their bigger and better thing. How would you feel if the person you were taking over for at your new job set you up for failure. 3 months into your awesome new job, its not so awesome and affecting your homelife.
So, Im making a manual and trying to make things as easy as possible for when I leave. This way, its not just easier for the new person and better for MY karma, but it helps me sleep at night knowing that I did the right thing. Its not always about doing the right thing when people are aware and watching. Its about doing the right thing when no one is watching and doing it because basically, its the right thing.
I waited as long as I could. Its time for new running shoes. My poor, right heel was sore yesterday after running. Its been over a year. I figured since I was walking, the running shoes would last longer. Now that Im running again, its time for a visit to Fleet Feet. Time to not look at it as investing in shoes that need to be replaced every 3-6 months depending on how many miles you put on your shoes, but time to invest in myself.
I like that.
Those are my shoes now. Orange or green would be cool this time maybe. Fleet Feet fits your foot, not color preference. Hopefully my foot has a color selection this time.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 2.3 earths to sustain us. Thats scary because I thought I was doing well. Just shows we could always do better. These are not my results, just what your report card looks like. Keep in mind, just being from the US puts you in the bastard child category…as always.
Get with it people. Me too!
We are members of our local co-op. When we go the grocery we buy Eggland’s best cage free eggs (groceries do not carry free range) because I cannot bare the thought of buying any other eggs that support the horrible treatment of egg laying hens. They are expensive, but, I stand my ground. Those other eggs are $.99 for a reason.
Today, at the co-op, I noticed they have not just cage free, but free range, no antibiotic, organically vegetable fed hen eggs. AND they were cheaper than Eggland’s Best. AND, and here is the awesome AND, they are local. Less than 50 miles from Buffalo. I told P that when we shop next week, we need to make sure we add eggs to the co-op list.
Wednesday Aug 5 6:30-8:30 in Rochester which is about 1 hr and 10 min from us. $35 per person. I am SO excited. They teach the fundamentals of kayaking—how to get in and out, maintain balance, paddle, etc. They also go over what kind of kayaks there are, what kind to get for your type of body, what kind of kayaking you want to do, etc.
I cannot WAIT!
I live on Lake Erie and the Niagara River which barely separates us fom Canada. We can literally see Canadians walking down their streets thats how close we are. Down the canal there is a rowing team that rows everyday. There is an organization you can join and I have always wanted to learn to row. Maybe one day when I get my weight down more. Everyone knows that while a rowing team loves a good, tall girl, they love a thinner, tall girl even better.
I told P last night we are sitting down on Sunday, writing out all bills, how much is owed and interest if there is any. Then we make a plan to pay the way Suze Orman said to. If I get one of these jobs I have and will be interviewing for, we live like we do now on the salary I make now and all extra money goes to paying debt faster. Not shoes for running, not bike stuff, not clothes, not races; paying debt. She says she gets it, but then mentioned a race last night. I told her that this would break up our relationship. An affair we could make it through, money we wont. Decide whats more important.
I woke up, ate half a serving of shredded wheat and soy milk, dressed for the park and played with Tobey (our cat) while I waited for my food to digest a bit. I went to the park and did the first installment of the Couch to 5k on podcast by Rob Ulley. AND…I…DID…IT!! All of it. No stopping, no sucking horrible air (the middle and last installment put me in the middle of hills so it was kind of tough), no DEAR GOD HOW MUCH LONGER!. I did it. I almost cried after the last one. I did raise my hands like Rocky and said “I DID IT!!” 2 people clapped, the rest just stared. But who cares. Today, I am queen of my world. Master of the first installment of couch to 5k podcast kingdom. Today, after 4 months of feeling insecure and terrible since P had the affair, I got a good chunk of me and motivation back. I can do THIS. I dont need anyone else’s approval or cheering, I just need mine. Today, I feel like Olivia the Pig. We can do anything!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to shower, clean my bedroom and sit on my throne known as the couch and watch a tivo’d episode of Lie to Me which is this kick ass show I discovered.