I'm doing 40 things
Last week I went with the school I train with now to the school I left about 8 years ago. I left because my instructor was little man of extrodinarily small character. He would disrespect his students, attempt to seduce his students, their parents and took pleasure in the discomforts her created for others. After bearing witness to this for a couple of years I could not follow this path any longer. I left. Most of the people that I trained with, bled with, and shared tears and broken bones, turned their backs on me. I don’t know what was said to them, I never until fairly recently told them all of the specifics as to why I left. I had not returned to the school since.
Last week I showed up for class with and was told we were training with my old school for the night (my current instuctor also used to train at the old school) People I knew were quite courteous and respectful. The guest instructor was a one of the students that trained when I trained there long ago. He was at that time a belt ahead of me. He is not 2nd dan and has his own school in Prince George. The 2 of us way back when really enjoyed training together. He and I fell out a bit when I left the school. A couple of years ago, he learned more of our instructors character and has now grown into a very good and seemingly kind instructor.
Training was difficult for at times I found I missed the old style of training. The drills and their practicality. the focus on technique and the control. THe instructor did some defense moves and incorperated throws. It was with control in execution. My instructor who is a good friend – I do not think is capable of learning such control and focus. He has been trying for as long as I have known him (10 yrs).
With the instructor I have now, I know that I enjoy the atmosphere that I train in and that I will learn things like arnness and tonfa and will gain strength, but that I will not learn great technique, control and focus. If I want to gain a black belt it will be a challenge as I have no one to roll model the full package. THis is tough. THe other night I felt somewhat inspired. It was not so much seeing an old friend become the man he could be as a great instructor but rather just the Karate. CLean, clear, controlled, focused. The way it was when it was the one thing in life, the place in life that was just for me, where I was inspiring to myself; where I was inspiring to others.
I have known now for some time that I am a mear shadow in my own wake. It is hard to live in ones own shadow. I was once at a black belt level and could hold my own in sparring with the best around. When I left I left things uncompleted. Now I am much older, more broken and limitted. I guess the desire to get the black belt in this style is to allow myself to set aside the past and the potential I had.
I think I will always train in some form – I like how it makes me feel. setting aside the past I think is the only way to move forward and simply enjoy again what I do.
walking through the doors of the old dojo, and exhaling the tension of the past and being in the moment was the first step.
