UnComfortablyNumb

and just one day blew me out of the clean water into a puddle of mud… not only did I relapse that day, but I got caught doing it… got rearrested, sent to lockup, had bond set… and my mom she got me out – she knew I felt bad about using, but that day the day it happened… it felt like I was gonna die if I didn’t use. I never felt that before… I have cravings, but it never felt like I was going to die before…

SO I am back in court, on a 2nd charge of poss of narcotics, poss paraphenalia, and violation of probation… i am going to court every 3 weeks, getting notes from my doctor, and the relapse prevention counselor… and have to go through like 6 months of this – before they will determine if I should go to jail – or just get renewed probation.

Only Time Will Tell… I did it once, why is it so hard to do it again?

and he doesn’t come back… I talked to him today, he doesn’t realize what just hearing his voice does to me… I get swept up in the past and the tears roll down my face… Oh how I want to tell him I still love him… to hold him… to kiss him… but I don’t tell him I love him… that gives him so much power over me – it lets him hurt me time & again – and I am not sure I could life through another hearrbreak like that one.

So I love him from afar, not telling him my feelings… I am sure if he came to the house – he would be able to see the love in my eyes… and I want him to come over so badly… I was almost begging him – he said maybe over the weekend…

I have been sick, real sick – temporary over 104, going throught delerium and hallucinating – but I could have sworn he was here with me last night… when I was sick… Holding me, in my hallucination – there was war everywhere… and I was running up to see him before I was killed… and he was in a helicopter – with his gf – but before I could say anything, he told his gf to help me into the copter… and we took off… figuring we had a better chance of living in the air, then on the ground where bombs and stun guns were used to subdue the people.

We landed someplace over water, on a bridge that had been exploded… and had to somehow get back to land… so we left the copter where it was, and started running…. on the lower half of the bridge closest to the water… and his gf fell and he didn’t stop to save her, he just grabbed my hand and pulled me along…

for what seemed to be hours, was probably just minutes or seconds, but we reached land and there didn’t appear to be any fighting going on, there was a house in the distance and we got in… but as we tried to walk through the rooms, little razor sharp arrow heads, came at us depending on what board we stood on… so I gave up and sat down… after being hit by as many as 20 of these things… it looked like i had been dragged through a pricker bush… but I remember asking – because other people who I didn’t know where there too… Out Loud – I yelled… Did Mike Make It?

Mike hobbled over to me, yes honey I did…

I had to call him today… I miss him so much… I will go to my death, loving him… and maybe in death god will reunite us… tht’s a wondrful way to die I think.

Almost 10 yrs ago I met and married the man of my dreams, my soulmate, my other half… We had a great life, and everybody we knew wanted to be us… they wanted to have the love that we felt for one another as it emenated from our bodies like god’s light.

One day, after many stupid arguments over money and other really dumb things… I was mad, and told him if he didn’t like it here – not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out… they were just words, I didn’t mean them – but out of anger comes awful things… your brain should stop functioning when you are angry until you calm down and think about what to say and what to keep inside you… but it doesn’t work that way… and many marriages including mine fall apart with just a few evil words whether meant or not.

Anyway, the next morning we got up together, I made his lunch with a chocolate kiss in the bag… he got ready for work, kissed me as he went out the door, just like always… only this time he didn’t come home after work… in fact, he never came home again.

Oh sure, I would see him now and again, but it wasn’t the same… our magic had simply vanished… and now we were just 2 people who weren’t even sure we liked each other anymore… The following week, he called my mom’s house and told her to tell me to stay home thursday night when he came to pick up the rest of his things…

HOW WAS I SUPPOSE TO DO THAT? I DIDN’T WANT TO WATCH HIM WALK AWAY FROM ME AGAIN… So I went out drinking with a girlfriend, just so I wouldn’t be home… Only when he came to my mom’s house that thursday he didn’t come to leave – he came back home to stay – only I was out… and that proved to him that I didn’t care enough about our life together… that I could just go out like nothing was wrong… but I didn’t go out like nothing was wrong, I went to get plastered so I wouldn’t hurt so much…

but when I learned what happened… I was a mess… he didn’t give me a chance to explain, he just packed the rest of his things and left…

But I remember the good things… the fun times… the laughter and tears of joy we shared, the memories of doing things & going places, the memories of his kiss, the way he made love to me (like I was the only person on earth besides him)...

Oh I don’t believe that I will ever feel that strongly about anyone again… I never have gotten over him… it’s been 3 years – and this is the longest stretch 1 yr, 3 months we have gone without seeing each other… we still talk on the phone…

But he is not the man I married… he has gf’s that don’t care if he comes or goes, doesn’t care if he doesn’t come home… I wouldn’t put up with that nonesense and he knows it… that’s why he doesn’t come around.. because I expect things, and can’t just accept them the way they are… I would rather not be with him, and have great memories… then be with him now, and makde crappy ones.

I built a wall around my heart… I can let love out, but no new love can come in… I wouldn’t put my heart through another breakup no matter what the cost.