I am officially a business owner
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Again. Why? Because I came home from a group dinner at which I saw the man I currently have a ridiculous crush on, heard him say the word “girlfriend” and decided I needed to fall in love immediately to get back at him.
Oh, and also because a month ago I logged onto match.com, without having an account, performed a ridiculously specific search, and up popped the profile of a man I am now strangely infatuated with, even though he lives in another state and has no idea I exist. let alone that I searched through all of the profiles with his extremely common first name trying to find him on facebook, and once I did have routinely checked it for any updates to the public portions I can see.
I don’t know about the courageous and love part but I have whole-heartedly fallen into something.
I look at my goals and ambitions and think I am totally capable, ready, equipped, and qualified. i think I am a natural born teacher and leader, I think the starts have aligned perfectly helping to set the groundwork for my dream to come true.
But most of the time I think I am going to fail so miserably that I will have ruined my entire life and reputation.
What the fuck am I thinking? No degree, no real training in most of the things I want to teach, no business school, no business partner, no investors, no fall back plan.
i am so scared of failing. I am so scared of all the challenges I know I will face, so scared of not having a support network.
My whole dream, every chance I’ve ever wanted, and I feel like I am a coward, too scared to take the advice I have given so many people. So many people have stepped up to the plate for me and offered their support. When I see other people in similar positions, too scared to take a risk on themselves, scared of the financial logistics, too scared that they will fail, I tell them to take the risk with faith that they will succeed. And I believe it. I believe in these people. Now I find myself working part time at a stupid ass retail job selling clothes made in China or India, probably by children, the same children I thought I was born to help rise to their full potential. And at the end of the day, I am a child too scared to succeed or realize my own full potential.
My parents are wonderful and so supportive. They live in another city, and even though they are divorced and have been my entire life, they have really rallied together in the last year or so to support me. Right now they know I am trying to start a business so they pay for my rent and car insurance. My dad gave me a substantial amount of money of nowhere to do with whatever I like. Even through all of the kindness they offer me, I still avoid their phone calls and never call them back. I send emails and cards and occasional gifts, but can’t bring myself to talk to them. I don’t know why it makes me so nervous and emotional. There is a lot of history there, I wish it didn’t bring up so many feelings to just exchange pleasantries and give them a quick update. Sometimes I feel like I am disappointing them. Sometimes I can’t help but feel disappointed by them. It seems like such a daunting task to maintain these two very important, vital, special, relationships. Especially knowing that time is important too. I won’t have my parents forever. Why, when I am so terrified of the day that I don’t have them, can I not treasure today, when I do?
intense interview!!!!!!!!!
I really had to pull myself together on a lot of questions. But the best part of it was realizing that because of all my crazy and challenging experiences, I will really be able to have a profound effect on a child; that the hardships I faced will allow me to help someone else going through something similar. I cannot wait to be matched with a Little and meet them! :D
:D
:D
:D
Submitted the application today, hopefully they will call soon…
I found out today that kids have to wait, on average, two years in my area to become a little brother or sister.
:(
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