Nee

This book was on a book list of recommended reading in my Ancient Goddess Cultures and Religions class in college. As a dog person I liked the picture on the front, had read through the table of contents and a few friends of mine have raved about the book. Recently I saw it in a used bookstore for real cheap and snatched it up.

I’d been bitter about how some have assumed all knowledge and authority over a woman’s waking up process and how it seemed that this ethereal prowess were limited to those less HSP and less introverted. Perhaps these people just got carried away because the wording is a tad bit extreme at times, but then I suppose exaggeration is the edge of the storyteller in general. I’m only in through half of the first chapter, but the storyteller’s words stick in the mind as the Celts would say like burrs. I think about the book often, have read parts of it that would apply to men to my boyfriend and repeat a few stories that I remember. It’s allure has had me dedicated and I think through instinctively realizing my own individual relationship to Wild Woman.

When I express myself I do so in a way that assesses the situation, person that I’m talking to and what I may be in the mood to talk about. I think I have that choice without being labeled as someone who either does or doesn’t talk about a certain subject.

I think that naturally who I am though is time-released. It could be both being unassertive to otherwise show more of who I am and it could be being comfortable with myself to otherwise not need as much validation of who I am from the other person. It’s hard to tell with introverts. I’ll always be time-released, but the former and latter are the subtle difference/transformation that’s been happening in me that I imagine only people who either really know me (or those who can pick on those things) could tell.

I realize that I’m the kind of person who has relied on people realizing that first impressions aren’t everything. I’ve had people push for quick involvement, have no qualms about telling me every little detail about themselves and then expect me to do the same. Of course in comparison I do not. Some much less introverted types have almost(?) believed or half-jokingly referred to me as the quiet type therefore somehow synonymous with being an axe murderer, or otherwise I am less trustworthy if I’m quiet. I’ve had people seriously tell me that they have this issue with anyone being quiet around them. I’ve pretty much never believed that it’s my fault for them being uncomfortable with me being quiet. I take note that being quiet is something they don’t accept about me, but I disregard their attention whoring paranoia.

People have told me that the more you try to convince someone about who you are, the less the other person comes up with themselves, but that’s just an outdated protective technique in hopes of not being emotionally abused in some cases. I’ve seen it as counter-productive controlling, as if they could create the hopefully really positive opinions themselves inside the other person’s head first before the other person comes up with something negative. In the Rescuer/Rescuee pattern I think they might be trying to prove that they don’t need rescued.

I get it though. When someone is going out of their way to be super super nice and friendly to prove with absolute obviousness that the other person is liked so that everyone can escape being frenemies. I’ve noticed that I reward or punish people by how they react to me. Not much better than those I’m complaining about and I used to ask some deep and/or personal questions to people-to make sure they weren’t going kill me-lol. Well I didn’t have the notion that they were going to kill me, but I did think that the information I got out of them made them more trustworthy. Which is funny now that I think about it since profiles of evil people run the gamut. Ill intent and secret agendas are not dependent on any one trait and I think that the logic is off in thinking that quiet people have more to hide. Personally I’d be talking and making sure you’re thinking about something else other than what I want not talked about.

We can gather all we know about a person, but I don’t think it kicks in until some time has passed. I think love requires us to continuously evaluate and look for where we might be judging our loved ones and how our judgments might be getting in the way of loving them. I need to progressively let go of who I think they should be and accepting who they are right now-good and bad.

I’ve had practice within the last coupla years in allowing people to be who they want, allowing people their privacy without thinking that they have ill intentions toward me, staying open and
objective while realizing that I don’t know everything about them, that it’s okay they don’t need to report to me and that my ego will do just fine if I half to earn their trust like a normal person. I think I like it better that way. They responded to me being open and let me in, but we went through little milestones that felt good to earn. I think this is normal and it feels more natural that way.

One of my patterns that I’ve been elicited and trained to respond to is to get carried away with validating someone’s ego in the most thorough, detailed and insightful way, however through dealing with this person I also don’t automatically believe everything people want me to believe about them.

I’m tired of finding narcissists who seem to need the words like a drug and likewise sometimes they get a little pushy with me about it and will prompt me to tell them what I like about them.
They seem to come in all temperaments; even the tame ones will seem to come on a bit strong at first with me. In the past I called them overzealous, creepy and gave ‘em the boot after they seemed to get what they wanted out of me: ego stroking. Usually they didn’t gave back, but sometimes the narcissist that realizes they’ll look good if they give a compliment or two has had me all confused while not noticing the discrepancy between a high amount of what they asked for and what I gave and the low amount of what was given in return and then feeling guilty from enjoying the compliment and feeling like I was just stringing them along because I can tell that there’s something shallow about their approach so I’m not taking it serious. They leave and I get it that they weren’t all that serious about knowing me anyway. Some narcissistic men have had me confused about seeing how they like something about me, but do not necessarily have feelings for me-it’s a good way to rationalize lust. Charmers induce a sense of fuzzy math though and a feeling of being manipulated into liking them.

Normal people while they like to be liked will tell me to cool it if I get carried away with wanting to please others a little bit more than myself. I think those that have healthy self-esteem will still like being affirmed, but will not be as attached to it or react to it like a drug.

This is why I second guess my feelings for people. Am I just trying to please them? After a while people in the past have thrown a little tantrum or have otherwise expressed wondering if I suddenly hate them. I haven’t decided whether that’s a need for regular affirmation or simply that people gradually take others for granted over time. Maybe both. I know that some compliments mean more than others, but I think they’re just said in ways that hadn’t occurred to me through a low self-esteem filter.

I’ve noticed a somewhat instinctive self-correction that has already been put into effect where I measure the weight of my opinions and wait to see who’s worth it, so I don’t encourage people to take advantage of me. It’s still difficult to hold back when I come into contact with people who are triggers.

It would appear that occasionally a person’s inner child does a little jump of glee from understanding that they are liked. If I could I would hug everyone’s inner child, but I can’t.