Nee

For a present at one point I decided I wanted to bake my boyfriend a gluten-free cake (*note to self: I owe Jaime a cake) and diligently followed the instructions. I even tracked down a vanilla extract that did not have a trace of gluten in it. The cake itself came out a bit dry and somewhat springy, but not in a good way like a sponge. I must say though my frosting kicked ass. It was this peanut butter cream cheese frosting that I had extra of and slathered over random dessert carbs for weeks.

My boyfriend said he liked it though, couldn’t tell and mentioned that it could of just been the best possible alternative to cake with gluten. The cake itself had yogurt in it to make it moist and looking back I realized that the cake ingredients mixed in quite well and fast, so I think I over-stirred it.

I’ve also heard of some more cake tips. Along with yogurt or sour cream which I already knew, to try replacing the milk to either half and half or whole cream even, to never ever use lard or crisco (as if I ever would) and to try organic unprocessed coconut oil. I also want to try making a honey cake.

-Find willing participant.
-Tape sign that says: “bisexuality” onto them
-Hug them

Silliness complete.

You know what? I hate the word “change”
People have told me: “I’m gonna need you to change” People have promised me: “I’ll change; you’ll see”
Kids in my yearbooks wrote to me: “Don’t change.” “Stay the same!” Blah, blah, blah.

A scene currently brings to mind of bickering people I’ve come across at parties and cafes: conservatives and liberals and atheists and theists. I’ve heard pleas to just believe or to just let fantasies go and I’ve heard insults of naivety or cold-heartedness. Miracles versus Fuzzy Math. Misanthropes that hate hippies and the stable-minded hating chaos.

In college psych classes I learned that you’d really hope a person’s brain chemistry doesn’t change itself for the person to actually be able to be completely radically different the next day. On it’s own that is. Without an existing issue or provocation-drugs, brain injuries, trauma, etc.

It is in my opinion that when it comes to people there is no such thing as the forceful cataclysmic overwhelming upheaval that the popular usage of the word “change” implies. Even in such fateful unforeseen changes such as an illness, death or an accident. It would appear in those cases that a persons consciousness hangs in limbo/shock for a while and in the recovery process-gradually changes and adapts. I’d say it’s for good reason. Maybe people change all the time. Would we really know?

I’d say that someone who sticks with change terminology is likely to force the facts to fit their version of reality. When doing this I’ve found that something never always fits the way I want it to and in order for it to fit I’d have to lie to myself.

I’d rather trust in the process that someone is more likely to grow in short bursts over time and therefore subtly “change” instead of just suddenly being different. A few people have told me that I’m splitting hairs and that “grow” and “change” are interdependent. While true, for those who can not get lost in the details of the future or worried about what the change will bring about and stay in the present-my hat is off to you.

As to whether or not I haven’t been paying attention to those around me and they’ve simply changed over the years or they’ve been splitting and compartmentalizing parts of themselves-over the course of two days in one person, three weeks in another person, or as I was told I’ll probably always dissociate to an extent and face the “have I got it all of something I can’t see” fear, or all of the above.
I could play the objective game of “well I don’t really know do I?” until I’m red in the face, but maybe a part of being assertive is just simply affirming what you know to be right in a humble content way that doesn’t need the validation of others.

If it’s good enough for me-shouldn’t it simply be only good enough for me? If the truth I’m seeking were not as confusing, nor potentially painful as it is then I’d say yes. Perhaps I gain assertiveness points back by reaching out to connect to someone whom I suspected was dealing with the same. It turned out I was right. It’s always a little surprising when it feels so good to not be alone in something so negative.
While others want to know how I know, this person has affirmed my perceptions as something they also experience and told me new things that I hadn’t realized that I also face.