Verochka

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”—Mitch Hedberg

“I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said “F**k it. Cut ‘em up.”—Mitch Hedberg

“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”—Mitch Hedberg

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?”—Mitch Hedberg

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”—Mitch Hedberg

“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”—Mitch Hedberg

“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”—Mitch Hedberg

“Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”—Mitch Hedberg

“I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name…a sponge ruiner.”—Mitch Hedberg

“When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.”—Mitch Hedberg

“That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.”—Mitch Hedberg

“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”—Mitch Hedberg

“I drank some boiling water… because I wanted to whistle.”—Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I’ll just make a copy.”—Mitch Hedberg

“One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger. ...”—Mitch Hedberg

“I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.”—Mitch Hedberg

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you”—Friedrich Nietzsche

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”—Friedrich Nietzsche

“Without music, life would be an error.”—Friedrich Nietzsche

“It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.”—
Agatha Christie

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”—Albert Einstein

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”—Oscar Wilde

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”—Tommy Cooper

“I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.”—Stephen King

“If the person you are talking to doesn’t appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”—Winnie the Pooh

“I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.”—Confucius

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”—Maya Angelou

“I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.”—
Arthur Rubinstein

“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”—Harry S Truman

“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”—Mitch Hedberg

“Why can we remember the tiniest detail that has happened to us, and not remember how many times we have told it to the same person.”
—François de la Rochefoucauld

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”—Franklin P. Jones

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”—Stephen Wright

“This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.”—Oscar Wilde