VixiVampiress

I have a feeling that I’ve made myself anaemic.

The dizziness and fainting has gotten really bad lately, more frequent, the past couple of days have been a blur because I’ve felt so weak. Every minute at work the day before yesterday I felt I was going to collapse, and I’ve lost a ton of weight again without meaning to, even though I’ve been eating properly and normally…

My councellor asked me a load of questions last time, asked me do I feel my heart beating, notice it often, when I lay down can I hear my heart beat and all this stuff, then asked, do I lose a LOT of blood when I cut and is your healing slower, do you get dizzy spells do you often feel weak and on the verge of collapse?

I said yes to pretty much all of the above and she told me that she thinks my cutting may have induced anaemia, as my body can’t make more red blood cells to keep up with the amount I lose.

But to find out for sure I have to get a blood test, and to get a blood test they will ask to use the arm I don’t write with, my left, which is the one which is most cut up. Because I have a phobia of needles, probably my mum will go there to support me, because one time I kicked the nurse in the face when I had to have an injection but that’s a whole other story…

WHICH MEANS that both my mum and the nurse will see how bad my arm is. And they might send me to some place GAH. I know I can stop cutting, just not yet. Next year I’m moving out, I’m looking forward to experiencing everything I was never allowed to experience as a teenager, freedom, trust, fun. I’m going to art college, to live out my dream, and I know that when I am in that place as opposed to this one where… (well, bad things happen but I’m not writing them down here) ...that I will be able to stop cutting once and for all, I’ll be happy then.

So I don’t want to go and see ANOTHER person as well as my councellor because they’ll just mess everything up. I’ve declined to go on Prozac or anything else because I’m too scared I’ll try to OD, or become dependent on it. They might make me.

But back to the original point, anaemia. Fuck. I’ve made myself ill but I’m too scared to fix it.

Because getting help might make other things worse.

Which in turn will probably make my cutting worse which will probably make the anaemia worse. I’m quite sure that’s what it is.

I’m pathetic as hell I’ve gone over all the old cuts that were healing well last night, I’m so angry right now I’m gonna go get so drunk that I can’t even pick up a f-cking knife to cut myself ARRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And I’ve got a job interview tomorrow and all the possible long-sleeved formal things I could have worn are in the wash, and the only other appropriate things I can wear are f-cking short sleeved, and it will be weird if I keep my jacket on I think but if I f-cking have to take it off then they almost definitely won’t hire me because they’ll think I’m f-cking crazy!

And I am f-cking crazy for doing this to myself again and again and again.

I AM F-CKING PATHETIC!

I am a sh-t role model to my little sister and all the people around me, the girls in the club I run at school what kind of role model am I? I’m no one to look up to, I’m no one to aspire to be like, who’d want to be this idiot?

F-ck forbid my little sister ever sees these cuts again, I was so angry with myself the two times that she found them.

And I’m really sorry for ranting here… nobody needs to see this. And this isn’t the half of it.

Sorry.

So I thought I’d come back, tell you about how stuff is for me again and cheer all of you brave people on. You’re all brave :) and you’ll all get over this one day, I know.

Well, my dad is now unemployed, meaning he’s at home pretty much all the time. I’m not going to post my life story on the internet but we have a history of a bad relationship, and if things carry on the way they’ve been in the past 2 weeks and he does not get a job again soon, I am thinking of actually moving to my Nan’s house. Things have often been at extremes, thus, things have not been good at all on the cutting front.

Nor have things been good on the A level front because he’s been preventing me from completing my assignments at times and my grades have gone right down.

Nor have things been good on the body front, because I have lost another half a stone despite my appetite not changing, I weigh something like 7 stone which is not my lowest but not good. And my skin is currently like a war zone or something.

Nor have things been excellent on the love front, my last post told you about my 2 and a half year anniversary with him, well now his OCD has been aggravated by the fact I’ll be going to Art College next year. As he’s in the year below, he’ll have to stay here for another year while I’ll be elsewhere, and he’s convinced that I will be unfaithful to him. And guess how I took that out on myself? I carved WHORE WHORE WHORE all over my legs, a word I’ve not engraved for a few years now, but there it is in plain to see scabs.

We’ve sort of got over that but things are very “on ice” with us right now, or like I feel I’m in a minefield trying not to do or say anything to set him off.

I’m not happy at all right now.

Trying my best not to cut over it all though. Had a few slip ups sadly :(