Withportf

I’ve been sitting at my usual spot at the bar / restaurant where I work, not being able to get any work done. And I noticed that once again, I was waiting for someone to seek contact with me… for someone to give me approval through seeking my attention.

Of course, this is not going to happen. It’s making me negative. I managed to spout my negativity at the waitress who at times comes over for a chat. She is being kind and somewhat attentive. If people get to know me only in a negative light, I might as well quit meeting people.

In any case, I can’t get any work done, and I don’t know what else I can do with my time, so you know—

How do you escape a spiral like that? How do you escape the negativity, the self-deprecation, that approval seeking nag in the back of your mind?

These last few days I’ve been physically ill. Cold weather etc. I’ve been back at home for several of these days. We’ve talked some, had some fun doing very regular things (watching tv etc).

Most of my behaviors these last weeks were born from my search for approval. I’ve met a few women, they left me their numbers. Now that I’m on a trajectory back to my girlfriend these girls (I’m 10 years their elder) are trying to contact me on Facebook.

Now I’m at a point where I may be returning to my life with my girlfriend as was. This is something both of us want to avoid. I can’t say I’m any closer to completing this goal.

I love her, but can I be with her? I surely don’t want to lose her. But can I fight for her?

Today I went and deleted every single post I made over the last 2 years from my wall. I have no idea why, but I like the new clean look.