Yvonne211

I guess this goal is silly. I dont think ill ever be enough. no matter what choice or decision i make, i always disapoint someone one way or another.

Well, im trying. Thats as best as I can do. And i’m sorry if its still not good enough for anyone, and im sorry if people dont think im trying. But I am.

I guess you cant really understand how hard it is unless your standing in a cutters shoes. I never thought it would be this hard, and if I did, I would have never made that first cut.

And I think thats what makes me the most upset, that when I look at each scar, I cant remember what made me so upset to do that. When I first started, i remembered. Each one told a story.
But they dont anymore. Its just a mess of lines, like a puzzle book that you just cant seem to solve.

But even if no one else thinks i’m trying..i know that i am. I know I wouldnt stay up reading self help books on cutting if I didnt want to stop. and I know I wouldnt write in my journal 5 times a day instead of cutting if i didnt want to stop.

But once again im doing this alone. and thats okay. I dont really need anyones help i guess, because its my problem. not anyone elses.

Once again. i’m my own best friend.

Well, it looks like this goal might move to the list of things I give up on. i havent been doing good with it..not at all.

Jeremy started putting stars on the calendar for every day that I dont cut. Each star is worth $2.OO, and I can buy whatever I want with the money I earn. On saturday, I used my $28 dollars to buy a pink cowboy hat. It took me forever to decide to buy it or not, because deep down, I knew I didnt earn that money. And I know that I didnt earn all of those stars, either. Its just soo hard to tell him that, when he comes home all happy and puts a star. How can I erase that smile? So instead I just smile too, and stay quiet. I stay quiet until I know i cant anymore, and I cry silent crimson tears that pour over the white shower tiles.
I read somewhere, that if you keep telling yourself something, your mind eventually starts to believe it, So lately ive been telling myself that I DID earn those stars. and i AM doing a good job. Then I realize Im still lying to myself, and I cut again. Its a horrible cycle.
I hate letting people down. And I know if I told them the truth, they would be dissapointed, which makes me cut more. Its like being on an amusement ride that spinning out of control. and all you want to do is scream for it to stop, but you cant seem to find your voice. And all that you can do is pray that you can hold on long enough to survive.