ain88

540up
f/n/s
ajs-10

so im doing the tutorial that comes with the flash 8 professional.
doing the cafe_townsend crap.
been following the instructions… but got strayed somehow.
edit the main timeline, create border – the results that im getting are different from what the tutorial says i should get. im frustrated. I’ve restarted everything 2 or 3 times already and still get to the same point. are the tutorial writers full of shit? with dreamweaver there have been points in the tutorial that were not at all accurate, i had to do something differnet from what it said to do to get the expected result. maybe something like that is here too…..

up 530 (stayed up late last night)
f/n/s
ajs-10
2m7s horse stance
chen tai chi
cannon fist

trembling began at 32s left to go
agony started 10s later.
little big conerned.

350 up
“In the Flatfield” obsessing my mind
8 8888 888888
face (6min) slowly… obsession
888888888778888888888
88888888
439
shoulders
441
8888888888778888888877888888
500
neck
506.
limewire searching (10) 77
526 walk
feeling nauseated
almost threw up
556 back
fed cats
m got up
................................................
621 set up laptop

did some day planning

I slept in today. Since I slept until about 8am I did not get an opportunity to waste time. Yesterday I also took a time management course. The foundation of time management is classifying activities by a 2X2 matrix of (important, not important) X (urgent, not urgent). This creates 4 quadrants:

Q1: Things that are urgent and importnat, need to be done NOW, and are a matter if NECESSITY

Q2: Things that are not urgent and important, should be done SOON, and are a matter of PRODUCTIVITY AND BALANCE

Q3: Things that are urgent and unimportnat, disruptions, interruptions, phone calls, IM’s, emails are a matter of DECEPTION

Q4: Things that are not urgent and not important, such as surfing the web, looking up porn, chat, are WASTE & EXCESS.

A preliminary test before the class reviealed that I spend 33% of my time in Q4, 26% in Q3, 25% in Q1 and 11% in Q2

350 up
face
400 8888887088888888
429 neck
88877707070770707077070707707070
500 walking
517 return
88888788878887888
539
cleaning basement water
604 snack
basement
cleaning kitty litter
625 done.
43
888
myspace
888
644
88888878888788888887888
751
8888
805 19 & shower

f/n/s
walk
ajs-10
2m2s hs
3×15r
due to time diverted elsewhere, i do not have enough for tc….

1min into it – “OMG what am I doing?”
50s remaining: focused on TV – Yusuf Islam’s new album comes out
20s remaining: pain, then shaking starts

414am up
crap
face
420
888888888788888888
433
tea
8888888888888888
450
88888
neck
457
neck/shoulder
459
neck
510
88888788887888788881
533
getting dressed, making tea
538 going out
walking
604 return
undressing
feeding cats
bathroom
609
AJS-10 & 70
AJS-10 recorded for M
628
888878888
643
2m2s horse stance
writing about it
651
cleaning up
700
3×15rolls
888888888888708888888887088
743 stop!!!!!!!!!

315up
88888888888888888888888888df88888888888df88888888df88888888
400 f start
406 f finish
888888888888778888888877888888877888888888
446 shoulders
88888888888788888888888788888888888788888888
458 neck
88888878887878878888878878888888
504 prepare to go out
fed cats, got dressed
523 back
holding the cat
528
minor cleanup
536
?????
539 start AJS
88888888888888888888888888888
551 continuing
8888787878777770888707888
602 continuing
88888888888870888888888
607
L HS
616 L HS completed 1m58s
rolls
ytc
641 finished ytc
888888888888
655
888887777719191900000
718

f/n/s
walk
ajs10
hs 1m58s
rolls 3sets of 15
ytc

sensation that can undeniably be classified as pain started at 30s left to go. Trembling began at 20-22s left to go.

11/09/2006

427 up
88888888888888888888888
438 face – start
446 done with face
888888788888888878888888887877888888888888888198888778877887719
514 stop
88888888888888888888888888
tea
523
put dishes away
529 going to the basement NOW
558 done
fed cats
cats made a mess
cleaning up
601
ymail
cleaned up mess
88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
631
kitchen
638 8888
703
708

every day when i drink tea i am reminded that when its done i won’t be able to get more until i re establish contact with sifu. and i think about how difficult it may be… if i crossed some lines… or

but not ready for it yet, financially, either…

its not a realistic goal yet.

taking risks is too vague, to unclear goal or thing…. like i wrote earlier… what constitutes a risk is different in each situation.. im more interested in concrete risky activities, like unprotected sex or sharing needles, but I will not make those into a goal…

no merit to it, really…..

how does one dream big when most of one’s dreams have been survival wishes? My dreams and wishes usually revolve around getting along with my girlfriend, having enough money to pay all the bills and have a little bit of fun… living paycheck to paycheck… I dream of getting out of our apartment/townhouse complex to a better place, house with a yard that we can afford, I dream of getting my car serviced for 40K miles. None of those are big dreams… I find I don’t care much about big dreams. They just seem either soo OUT OF REACH or just plain NOT WORTH IT. I need a dream that is WORTH IT. Worth whatever effort will be needed.

Whatever things you do….. imagine them in their ultimate, perfected state…

for each thing you do… extend the Light, open the window of its extension (HEH) and walk through the door (DALET)

this is the WHAT
realizing, defining the WHY will change the WHAT.