alice106

In past attempts at quitting, right about now is when I think I’ll be okay to start drinking again. “I’ll be able to control myself, not get carried away,” I would think. And maybe one or two nights I’d be able to have just a couple of drinks. Then eventually I’m getting drunk at least twice a week again. But I think I finally accept that I have no control. If I start drinking again but try to moderate my intake, it won’t work. Why? Because for me, moderation sucks! I never want two drinks – I want 12 drinks! Why bother moderating? So I’m trying to keep in mind that, personally, I can’t drink like a “normal person,” nor do I really want to in the end.

I still feel pretty good, even after a long stressful day. I am NOT looking forward to the insomnia tonight. Last night I finally fell asleep just before the sun came up. Luckily I don’t have to be up too early. I swear I’ve built a tolerance to melatonin. Or maybe in the first couple of days of quitting, melatonin is powerless against the regulating process your brain is going through: “Wait, what do you mean ‘fall asleep’? What is that? She always just PASSED OUT from all of the POSION. I don’t know how to shut myself off on my own!” That was my brain talking apparently. No, I swear I haven’t been drinking! : P

I almost closed this account – clicked “I give up” – but I intuitively knew six weeks ago that I would be back here. Not quitting is not an option for me. I’ve struggled, especially with feelings of self-esteem, like I’m not “good enough” to be here because I had a slip, etc.
But re-reading my posts, I realize that I felt SO GOOD when I hit that three week mark – hell, I felt amazing when I hit day 4! I want that feeling again, and I’m not going to worry about whether or not I’m going to drink at my wedding in 2 1/2 months, I’m just going to not drink TODAY, and then deal with tomorrow when it comes.
I feel really good about trying to quit now, so I’m going to attempt the break-up again. Alcohol gives me nothing at all except heartbreak. Moderation for me is a joke. I saw this quote and I just love it, but I don’t know who said it: “One drink is too many, and a thousand are not enough.” That’s me.
So anyway, I’ve busted out my chamomile tea and Italian grapefruit soda and I’m ready to roll.