As I rarely smoked heavily during the day, today’s been okay. I’ve achieved more just today than I have in my first 3 months on university. I don’t feel proud of that, it’s just put it into perspective how bad I’d let myself get.
I made sure to keep busy with my work today and chilled with a few beers this evening and I felt fine. My problem has been getting to sleep, typically I’d fall asleep instantly because I’d be so baked. I just tried to sleep about an hour ago and as I was lying in bed I saw my phone light up, it was my mate telling me that some of our other mates were looking to get stoned. For some reason I thought that was a good enough reason to start ringing all my dealers to see if I could get anything. Fortunately I wasn’t able to get any as it’s late, which I’m glad of now, and annoyed with myself for having so little will power. But now I know I’ll make it to tomorrow, and I’d feel more pleased with myself if it wasn’t for the mess I’ve got myself into with my work. I can’t talk to anyone from university or my family about it and I’ve never felt so isolated.
But it’s my own fault and I’ve only got myself to blame…I just wish I hadn’t been so naive
I first smoked weed when I was 14 but it was always a very occasional thing, probably picking up to once a month by the time I was 16 so I never had a problem control myself. Although 2007 seems to have been the year of getting myself hooked on the stuff. For the last six months I’ve smoked weed/spice (legal alternative) almost everyday. At first it was for pure enjoyment but soon I found I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep without at least one joint.
I’m now a few months into my first year of university, I don’t even know how far behind I am as I haven’t been in for weeks, I’ve lost touch with the friends I initially made when I first arrived at uni, probably got hacked off with me never texting back or returning calls because I was too stoned to remember or do it. I went home for christmas and, of course, I couldn’t last one day without having to sneak out and spark up. I disgust myself as my family have absolutely no idea and this would disappoint them more than anything else.
It’s time for me to stop, I’ve forgotten who I really am anymore, I feel like a loser whenever I’m stoned around other people, I make normal generic conversation with them and just subtly try to get away the whole time…these are my friends!
I want to get everything back on track and start living my life again.
I’ll be completely honest, I’ve never really had a proper girlfriend and i’m 18 now which kinda sucks. I mean I’m not completely repellant to women, I can talk to them really easily but I’ve just never had the confidence or commitment to officially be with someone. I guess I’m scared of being committed to being with someone and related to that person by my mates, it just scares me. But I’ve just come to uni a couple of weeks ago and I’ve met so many new people it’s great. Obviously at the back of my mind I’m thinking of who I might like to see more of and maybe make things more serious. Anyway, last night I was with my best mate of 4 years and we were at the union and there was this girl who I’d met earlier and she seemed really nice and I was pretty into her, I told my mate and he was cool about it. As the night went on she seemed to get pretty close to me which was good, but then I saw there wasn’t really a big spark. anyway my mate ends up getting with her and then spending the night with her. I mean fair enough if it was anyone else but this is my best mate getting with someone he knows I really liked, and fair enough again but it gets to me because I would NEVER do that to a good mate.
Anyway there was another girl I met that night who seemed really nice and I get along with her really well, turns out she really likes me which is always good and she’s nice looking. But I just don’t wanna end up being with someone who’s effectively 2nd place to who I really wanted.
Any advice would be really appreciated