amaze_me_ack

we talked on the phone last night.

it was painful. we had nothing to say to each other. i couldn’t wait to get off the phone. i think he felt the same

that makes me sad. sad that i wasted two years on him. i keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. i had to spend those two years – no matter how wasteful i see them as – to learn and grow into the person i’m becoming.

i’m sad that for the state our relationship has reached. that painful silence on the phone where you’re not saying the things you actually want to say.

i wanted to scream at him about how much he hurt me. i don’t want to hurt him, but make him understand what he put me through. i want to tell him that nothing will happen when i come up there. i want to be strong enough to turn him down. i want to tell him what a selfish person he is and how eventhough i do know he’s better than that, i’m not wasting my time on someone who CHOOSES to be less of a man than he actually is….

and instead i said things like “yeah. my week’s good. BLAH BLAH BLAH”.

i’m sad. but i don’t want to be with him. i guess that’s better.

i have an email typed up in my drafts folder to him about how we shouldn’t talk anymore…. i’m not sure if i’m gonna send it.

less than 2 months til i’ll see him again. first time in almost 18 months.

FUNNY STORY:

ok. so. a while ago i mentioned this fabulous guy that i dated last year. he’s pretty much the only guy i’ve really dated/seen/been involved with while getting over the man i’ve been “trying to get over” for… well, forever.

mr. fabulous and i are extremely close friends and talk everyday.

we’ll call mr. fabulous bob and the guy i’ve been trying to get over jim. for the story.

anyway. while bob and i were seeing each other this girl we knew (we’ll call her sally) started talking extreme shit about me, to all of my friends. how i wasn’t pretty, there was no way he liked me because i wasn’t pretty, how much prettier she was than me. how he didn’t like me and just felt bad… and lots of other horrible things that i’ve tried to put out of my mind. all because she was crazy about him. now, i’ve never really liked this girl. she seems immature and her voice gets about 10x higher and louder than any human voice should when she’s excited… but i’ll be the first to admit that i don’t really know her. and i never confronted her but dealt with the shit and just let everything pass. let it be mentioned that her and bob are no longer really friends after this whole ordeal. mostly because the way to a guy’s heart is not by talking shit about the girl he’s seeing. however, he did get drunk and do… lord knows what with her while him and i were on the outs/over/just “friends”

now. please remember that bob and jim are the only two guys i’ve really been involved with emotionally in the last TWO YEARS.

well jim. the man (man? HA!) ... the boy i’ve spent all this time and effort trying to get over hangs out with sally because she goes to the city he lives in to see some friends. and in a usual daily email conversation during work he tells me all about how cool she is and how much fun he had with her and blah blah blah. i mention that i she doesn’t really like me. he asks why, i tell the whole story…. and he proceeds to tell me that he feels that he should tell me that they KINDA WENT ON A SEMI DATE.

ok. a semi date. i can handle that. she doesn’t live there. he notes the lack of possibility that ANYTHING will come of it. things continue on as usual.

he stops calling. i usually assume that this means he is busy or semi interested in a girl in his own city.

i did not imagine that he would email me and tell me he can’t talk to me anymore right now because things with her have progressed and they’ve been talking.

UM, EXCUSE ME?? you’re talking to her on the phone means that we can’t talk any more??

it really hurts my feelings that we can’t talk anymore because he is talking to sally on the phone. HE SAID nothing is going on but talking. HE SAID he’s not looking for a relationship. HE SAID that they don’t even live in the same city and there’s really no immediate future there. and yet things are SOMEHOW serious enough to warrant me being put on the back burner and i feel disposable.

not to mention that fact that now the only two guys i’ve even CARED about in the past two years she has somehow gotten in the middle of.

i feel like fate is making her an enemy.

uuuuuuugh. i hate feeling like #2.

my theory?? he has to establish another phone relationship where the girl is crazy about him but it can’t turn into anything…. because ours is about to end when i get up there…. and she’s still in college so in no way a threat to his fear of emotions and commitment in the near future.

i haven’t really spoken to him.

we’ve been talking a lot lately.

i’m going to see him in exactly 2 months.

maybe i shouldn’t see him? in all honesty… that’s kinda impossible. that means seeing no one else i know.

my friend made such a good observation – she said “you need to move forward. i feel like he is such a part of a past life for you. a time when he was more important everyday than you were to yourself. and i’ve seen you grow and find yourself and gain independence that you’ve never had before since then and i’m scared you’re going to lose all that”

that impacted me a lot. maybe i shouldn’t even acknowledge that i’m moving to the same city as him. i mean…. clearly i can’t ignore him. but i’m moving to one of the coolest cities in the country, with how many people? come on… who the f*^% is he?

and of course things have been so good lately. i just hate that i’m basically waiting to move there and have my heart broken again. i just want this all to be over.

what does that say about me?