anksiety

This is something I’m fantasized about for years and I don’t think anyone else knows. At least, I don’t think so. I’m leaning slightly more toward wanting to become a helicopter pilot moreso than a plane pilot, but I could definitely go either way. It’s hard to say if I’ll ever actually make an effort to achieve it, since there’ve been other aspirations of mine in the past that I’ve just completely realized I don’t want to bother with. I’m 21 and in a rather apathetic/stuck stage of my life, so…buh.

I’ve had a problem with anxiety for several years. It’s only getting worse. I’m 21 now and I’m practically becoming agoraphobic. Talking to people isn’t as difficult as it used to be, since I’ve gotten used to being AROUND them, but it’s as difficult as ever to think of something to say without telling myself “Oh, who cares about that, idiot?” or “Yeah, that sounded really smart.” etc.

I don’t want to go fill out job applications. When I actually do go job-hunting (usually because I’m just told to), I just wanna get it over with as quickly as possible so I can go back “home” and watch TV or get on the computer. Going out with my cousin (I have no friends, at least not in real life) even makes me a little anxious, until I get a few drinks in my system. Then, that’s when I become a ditsy smartass and forget how much of an anxious person I am. I like getting high, and drugs in general, but I never let it get too out of control, ‘cause that in itself can be pretty depressing and make things much worse.

I’m going to stop myself there because I feel like I could go on and on, as it’s easy for me to release online, but posting this in itself is difficult for me without thinking I’m just wasting space and sounding like a whining baby. OKDONE.