Sometimes I can be so ambitious, complete a goal and not take the time to applaud and congratulate myself. Honestly, I go out for drinks and partying and the celebrating becomes a blur. So I would like to list all the things that I have accomplished to build my self confidence.
Performer in front of hundreds of people at 7 years old doing hula and Filipino folk dancing.
Won a beauty/talent competition without my 2 front teeth, at the age of 7.
Learned how to play the flute and played in elementary and high school.
Danced jazz infront of hundreds of people with brother and sister and solo doing my small dance routine from high school many times.
Got into small dance group as freshman and sophomore.
Got into short flags and beat 100 other girls trying out.
Became co-captain of short flags and eventually captain.
Became captain of short flags my senior year.
Got into 909, very well respected dance group in college.
Became a leader of another hip hop dance group.
I dedicated my blood and sweat the the church group for 4 years with volunteering a lot of time and effort, while still managing to keep up a high GPA.
Was accepted into PA school, struggled a bit, but saw a counselor and brought up my GPA.
Moved out of state by myself, leaving the comforts of home.
Was accepted and finished a Surgical PA residency, which challenged and stretched my limits of what I can actually achieve if I put my mind to it.
Got a job in cardiothoracics surgery, one of the well respect fields of surgery that saves people’s lives.
I suggest that everyone does this..not to brag, but to remind ourselves of all the things that this amazing person inside can really be capable of.
As a child I had been judged along side with my sister. I was the fat one and she was the pretty skinny one. On top of that I had ezcema on my face, particularly around my lips, nose and ears. My mother would take my face in her hands while applying the medicine to my face and said, “You poor thing.” So, at that age, I am thinking that I am ugly. Relatives can be so cruel and called me chubby or fat right in front of my face, so I hated going to family functions because I knew I was going to get hurt. Being antisocial seemed like the easier road. So, now as an adult I have low self esteem even if most of the eczema has cleared up and I’m losing weight. Last night I had an epiphany. Yesterday, I went out with friends and came to terms with my emotional deep seated inner thoughts about myself. I was overly guilty and overly self conscious. But I made a mental decision to try and counter those feelings. I came to the idea that if I forgave my mother and the rest of the relatives and anyone who has every called me fat or made fun of my ezcema, then I can begin to rebuild my self esteem. Starting with my mom. My grandma, her mom was extremely judgemental and strict on her and actually beat her in front of my mom’s friends when she was younger. So, this was a learned behavior that was passed down the generations. Also English is my mom’s second language so her use of the wrong words made in impact on me. She could have said, “You are perfect just the way you are, but let me moisturize your face.” Choice of words can make a huge impact on a child’s life. As far as the relatives go, I understand that it’s the Filipino culture, wrongly so, that will point out and tell someone they are fat. This is very commonly done in the Philippines, maybe because you can seldomly see a fat Filipino there, so this fat person draws attention, and must point them out. I don’t know why the culture is so focused on outward appearance: weight, hair, clothes, brand names. It’s disgusting. I have to consciously distance myself from those types of people so they would not affect me. Anyway, in my adult life, this low self esteem is not going to be helpful for me to be my best in my line of work. How can my patients believe in me, if I don’t believe in myself. So, this low self-esteem has to stop now.
This is so extremely hard. I cannot stop splurging. Saving money is the hardest part.