Ana Marte

I started going to sleep earlier by drowning out distractions. And not procrastinating in anything. I try to clean my house little by little each day so as not to have one big day to do it all. I shut down all of my technology an hour before bedtime. I also have taken the habit of drinking tea with milk or milk and honey before i fall asleep. They work. I’ve also started to work out at night again since I’m usually tired after working out. I love the sleep I get after working out, since I sleep soundly, wake up in a better mood, have a noticeably better recall, not so hungry, and have an increased energy throughout the day. I’ve also started to get leaner. I’ve noticed I need about 7-8 hours of sleep. Anymore or less and I wake up with a headache. No matter what time I go into bed, I wake up more often 7 hours after it. I feel so good and my life is beginning to get better because of it. I love being a night owl, but my health has suffered from it and I’ve had enough. Going for “gold”.

I’m embarrassed to be even writing this. It is very difficult as I feel I’m alone. I obviously know better but still. Most people my age, it seems, go through boyfriends and girlfriends like rapid fire. Excited over one a certain day and extinguished the next one. Happy and miserable. I feel I’m missing out.

So why I haven’t fallen in love. For one, I’m crippling “shy”. In quotations because that is what most people tend to think of me until we have some sort of discussion. I’m just used to being a “loner”. I’ve always been afraid to show or tell I like a person. I’ve had crushes on many guys before, and they’ve reciprocated, even asked me out, and I just didn’t move. Part of the reason was that I never felt really comfortable with the guys that asked me out. They have often made me feel like a “prize” so to say. Something for them to brag about or show off. Which was always a turn off. It doesn’t help that many of them have told me and I quote, “I think you could do better”. What is that, a sign you’re going to cheat on me?! I find most of them find it “unbelievable’ that I haven’t had a boyfriend yet. Why, why do I have this and why do I feel so awkward? Is there some elusive game that I have to play to get there? And why do feel like a punching bag when I try? I’m not looking into perfection. I get a lot of attention from them that much I know. Then again I’m young, isn’t that part of the benefits of being 20? I just want good company.

My brothers tell me it’s normal and that my time will come. Some people take forever to fall in love and that is OK. There is nothing wrong with me and that it will come when I’m not looking. They tell me its because I’ve been looking for it that I never find it. That and I don’t take risks. They tell me at least they’ll always love me :) Let’s see how it goes. I will stop looking. I’m going to focus on getting my life back in order. I know one day it will happen. I just wish that day would just hurry up.

I’m a college kid, and where I live, the job situation sucks. And with rent, food, and bills, and with my trying to avoid loans, I’m in despereate need of one. Or two. It doesn’t help that my mom recently hit it bad and my stepfather lost his job. My grandparents, who are retired, are in need of medication and are too having trouble with their bills. I’m already of thinking of taking a leave of absense from university for a while because we are in big doodoo. Yes, I just said doodoo. My depression is not helping at all. I’ve applied everywhere and I get no calls. And there are so many others going through the same thing. I don’t know what to do. Soon enough I’ll be alone since my mom will eave the country to check on my grandparents and my stepdad will be doing the same to check on his mother since she is also very sick. I’m freaking out. I hope things turn out for the better. I’m praying.