anonymaly

Because it’s always felt like such a disengaging state of mind.

After finding out about Poh-poh today, I kind of…I don’t feel like I can rely on anyone to support me. Or rather, I’ve lost touch with people enough that I’m not comfortable having anyone support me emotionally in the intense ways that I sometimes need…like now.

Sometimes, because I’ve started to master the ability of hiding my emotions, I feel myself hurting really badly and wanting to be taken care of or at least for someone else to know and understand, but…I just don’t really think it’s possible anymore.

I hope I’m just saying that because I’m depressed right now.

I’ve felt so withdrawn and depressed. When my grandfather was dying, there was an anxiety; here it feels like something’s already been taken from me.

My family found out that my grandmother, who I call Poh-poh, has lung cancer. She doesn’t smoke and never has, but nonetheless she has a tumor in her lungs that, in six months, has already spread into her lymph nodes. November/December was the last time she had her blood checked, and nothing showed up, meaning that the cancer is spreading very quickly.

We’ve been given about 3-4 months before she starts to show symptoms like shortness of breath, weight loss, etc, and no one really knows for sure how long she’ll have after that.

What scares me the most is that as lung cancer spreads, it’s possible that it’ll go to her brain. My grandmother is 93 years old, can walk without a cane, and is not only the absolute sweetest but also one of the smartest people I know; she has a light-hearted girlishness about her that draws people to her. I’ve always been very proud and very glad that my grandmother (and grandfather, when he was alive) has such a good mind; the prospect of watching her lose that is the scariest thing to me.

I imagine I’ll keep writing about this…but I also want to start documenting some of the memories I have of her.

And since I have to go to my dojo just about every day, I think this’ll work out fine :)