aphasic

I’m so glad you made time to see me
How’s life, tell me how’s your family
I haven’t seen them in a while
You’ve been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

‘Cause the last time you saw me
Still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I’d go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing that I’d realized what I had when you were mine
I’d go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days I haven’t been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn’t call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side and
Realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I’d go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing that I’d realized what I had when you were mine
I’d go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I’d love you right

I’d go back in time and change it but I can’t
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I’d go back to December
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing that I’d realized what I had when you were mine and
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright and
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind and
I go back to December all the time

I’m 130 pounds now! I’m hoping to lose 10-15 more. I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last month, the healthy way. I’ve really been working towards this goal. It’s no longer something I should be doing, rather it’s something I am progressing to accomplish. I’ll be there before I know it!

Finally an entry about somebody else! It’s in reference to my current boyfriend of seventeen months. This is a conversation between me and my good friend Alex.

“But I’m getting to the point where I’m just unsure of everything. You know I’ve felt this way for a while, anyhow.” -Julie

“I mean, let’s face it, Julie. Ultimately, you want out. Ultimately, you want someone different.I really believe that.” -Alex

“Yeah… I don’t know though. It feels wrong, because without a “valid” reason, it just makes me feel selfish. We never argue (except for that time about pot), he’s trusting, he’s loyal, he treats me well, but I don’t see a future with him. How long am I supposed to stay with someone because things are going good, if I know they’re really never going to go anywhere?” -Me

“I kinda think you’re doing both of you a disservice by letting it just go on and on. I think there’s life to live, and if you’re not following your heart you’re wasting precious time. Time passes so quickly, and you don’t want to look back and think, man, that was two years, five years, whatever, and you could have done… whatever. And that goes for both of you.” -Alex

“It’s a lot easier said than done. I don’t know how to end that. What am I supposed to say?” -Me

“I think you say that you have something to say and it’s very difficult for you. That you want different things out of life, and you want to figure out exactly what you need.” -Alex