a tempest in her eyes

My uncle whom I haven’t seen for many years told me this weekend past that I had “that pregnancy glow thing going on”, and that he could see it even if I couldn’t.

I don’t, you know.

What I do have is the feeling that, for the first time in a long while, I am happy.
Last time he saw me I was a barely-past teenager and discontented for all I was worth. I was in a relationship that I had an inkling was going nowhere two years in (yet I stuck it out another five!) with a boy stuck in a man’s body, I was desperately poor, and it looked like I was going to continue on that way indefinitely. None of my dreams or hopes for my future looked like they’d ever be achieved.

I have achieved and done so much since then. I now have a partner whom I can see myself growing old with, we don’t have a lot of money, but we have enough, I know I’m capable of supporting myself through work, I know just how well I can live off the money I can make, I’ve lived alone here in Australia and in a sharehouse in London, and I FINALLY got to see Paris, probably my oldest dream.
And I know it’s not forever, and sometimes I still cry or feel a bit panicked, but overall I feel happy. Life is good.

Has made me even MORE adamantly pro-choice than before (go fig).
I really am in thrall to the little parasite inside me – s/he’s taken over, and determines when and what I can eat, when I sleep, how often I go to the toilet, even places I can and can’t go, because of my heightened sense of smell!

I can’t imagine being forced to go through this unwillingly – and I seem to have had a fairly mild pregnancy so far in regards to side effects. And the thought of being forced to experience even what I have, after being violated, makes my insides curl up. I think it would classify as a form of torture. :(
Just the thought of it makes me want to cry at how horrible we human beings can be to each other (damn pregnancy hormones).

And I’m going to clear this from my list, to make room for other goals. :(
There is a good chance I WILL be trying to lose bodymass after my baby is born – I’m going to try to focus on my body shape/size rather than the numbers though. I don’t care if I end up weighing 200 kilos, so long as I can fit my pre-pregnancy clothes, quite honestly.
But that’s not for ages – my goal at the moment is to START looking fatter in the middle! I can’t honestly wait to start having that big pregnancy tummy going on.

I’m almost guaranteed a cold for the next 6 months or so of my life.
Considering how crazy my nose has become with pregnancy, this is probably a GOOD thing!

This is lots easier with happy hormones, although underneath them I still sometimes catch myself doing the whole negative thinking/dwelling on stuff.
I feel even more motivated to do this lately though.

I’ve had morning sickness and acid reflux for the past two months – even the thought of food has made me gag sometimes.

I wasn’t confident enough to go for my license yet. I AM DETERMINED to get it before Christmas though – if not for me, for my baby. Who wants to be learning to drive with a newborn? And it will make me far calmer if I know I can drive hir to the hospital in a hurry if anything ever happens when s/he’s growing up.

one friday a month, I go to sydney with a friend for dance practice. on the way home, we practice our french, listening to CDs in his car.

I always feel so damn MANIPULATIVE, but if I suggest something to him straight out, nine times out of ten he will vaguely agree it’s a good idea and then not do it. I’ve tried speaking to him about this, and he’s flat out told me it’s a teenage hangover from not wanting his overbearing father or over-fussing mother to tell him what to do.
So, I suggest he start looking for contacts outside our immediate group, to boost his social circle, and remind him not everyone’s a tosspot, and he says hmm, yes, I know, you’re right, and then sits on his bottom for a week.
Till my subtle hints about contacting a certain person, and casual mentions of NICE people in our circle that I’ve had contact with finally make it through to his subconscious, and he comes home last night to tell me he sent an email. Cue lots of positive reinforcement/commendatory stuff.

I can’t come close to nagging or flat-out manipulating, because he’s far too clever, and I’d feel like a heel and, you know, I don’t WANT to do that.
But in some ways I really am the good little fifties housewifey; I see my role as being the main support, biggest cheerleader, first advisor and gentle guide all in one.
I’m really lucky he tends to return the favour.

Stop Eating My Feelings.

Oh, ick.
I eat because I am tired. Because I am bored. Because I’m sad, and empty. Because I’m frustrated. Because I’m not doing anything else with my hands or mouth.
I NEVER ate this much in London, and it was much colder (granted, it was much warmer inside the house!). Well, maybe I ate this much in London towards the end… I mean, I haven’t devoured an entire carton of Ben & Jerry’s in one sitting here in Australia yet.
I suspect a lot of it is that I’m sitting around on my arse so much, even when I’m crafting or on the computer. I feel as if I’m getting flabby. I have no idea if I am doing so, objectively, but I FEEL gross. I need to stop eating so much, and I probably need to get more physically active. If only it wasn’t so damn cold!
Nevermind; tomorrow I start tai chi classes with the wicked fairy. I expect to be sore and tired and happier! :)

Our social group is stressing him out because he’s finally witnessed firsthand some of the crap that I’ve been telling him goes on, and he is caught by his non-confrontational attitudes, his admiration for someone who he has now witnessed behaving like a rude, arrogant arse, and the knowledge he’s been tacitly supporting the nasty behaviour by associating with these people. It’s upset him lots, he’s talking about not playing with our medieval group anymore, because that’s what the crap revolves around.
I’m going to try to make our home calmer and more restful, and see what I can do about finding some nice people in the group to associate with…

Our laws say I have to have driven on my Learners permit for at least 50 hours before I can go for my Provisional license. I have over 50 hours, as of this weekend! And apart from a bit of parking practice, I think I’m all set and ready to go.

I want to learn how to make new meals from ingredients rather than packet mixes. First goal: one a fortnight. Then, when I manage that, I’ll try once a week. Time to hit http://www.allrecipes.com

1] Sort out the list of who is sending to who for the Craftster swap I’m organising
2] Put together the new phone table
3] Move my bedside table to my bedside, replace it with the new phone table
4] Book a driving lesson for sometime next week or over the weekend
5] Apply for at least one job if not more!
6] Email the wicked fairy my “shop resume” to get a few copies printed so I can take them into town

He wants me to stop being so dependent on him. So:
applied for two jobs today, called driving schools, did the dishes in terms of tidying the house.
Spent the morning drinking hot drinks and talking with him.

I called round to a few driving school to get prices on lessons – it’s criminal! The cheapest was $42, the most expensive $55, for a one hour lesson. Ouch!

When I have done 3 or more things each day for 14 days in a row.
Today’s goals:
1] Get part of the garden entirely cleared of grass and weeds
2] Bring in the clean, dry washing before the evening dew makes it wet again, and put it all away
3] Finish at least one piece of jewellery

I’ve started pottery classes. Last week I trashed three pots, made a very wonky one, and two bowls. This week I’ll be using “slab setting” (apparently).
I suck at pottery. It’s so much fun to learn a new skill!

I’m making an effort to retain some mystery, and not draw on him for every reassurance and piece of attention that I feel I need. I think constantly babbling every thought that comes into my mind makes me a lot less alluring and interesting, and a lot more of a stress point in his life.
So… pulling back a little. Learning to stand alone again. Which is good for me, too.

I’ve learned when to keep my mouth shut and when to talk of other things, and generally am trying to avoid “bitching” about people and things. I still sometimes discuss unhappy topics with a circle of intimates, but I tend to think of that as me more nutting stuff out, outside of my own head, and getting some feedback due to the fact that I know I have a tendency to dwell and over-read nuances in situations.
I’m pretty happy with my level of discretion – occasional mistakes still happen, but I’m okay with learning from that.