Well believe it or not I did not bring the key to my lock box in my desk today so I’m going to be clean today. Cheers! Yesterday sucked so bad from a pot recovery POV. Just anxious and irritable and shitty POV all day. Today much better. And yes I’ve jonsed a little but not craving. Too busy. And frankly since I’m meeting with the CEO later today it’s better that way. Tomorrow I will blaze though. Almost certain of that. An then I’m on the road again to boston and NY starting tomorrow afternoon. I will not be packing this time. Too many critical meetings with presentations for both and I need to have as much of a clear head as I can for these meetings.
Arrrrgh this is the part of coming down of the green that is the worst – irritability and anxiety. I feel like I could just scream I’m so freaking irritated. No good reason for it. Except sunday night homework, dishes, laundry ….. Grrrr…. I love my wife I love my kids I love my life. Just keep repeating that mantra.
Sunday morning. I’ve been able over the years to abstain from getting high on the weekends, at least for the past 10 years since the kids were born. The real problem is on Monday mornings. I always get the first craving in the shower and then it’s just a matter of time: get the kids up and off to school and then in the car and have a hit on the way to work. Yes I’m a workplace stoner. And a white collar exec type too. How do I get away with it? Work is pretty easy. My job involves phone work and travel mostly so there is not a whole lot of direct face to face contact so I can get away with it. And what I do involves negotiation and not any kind of complexity or analysis. So I guess I found something that can support my family and MJ lifestyle at the same time. Which in a way makes it more challenging to quit. Fact is it’s been several years since I got stoned at a party or with someone else. I don’t have any stoner friends to avoid. I buy my weed from a guy off Craigslist who has been a consistent and reliable source and who delivers to a bookstore within walking distance to work. If only I could dial it back to moderate use. Have not been successful in doing that over the years, it’s all or nothing. But here is today’s reason why I’d rather not be stoned today. Had a great sleep last night with vivid, lucid almost cinematic dreams. Kids crawled inti bed around 6am with wife and me and my 8 year old son said “daddy you make us feel so safe.” Precious. I don’t want to ever intentionally do anything that will compromise that. Today it will be easy to stay clean. Tomorrow a bigger challenge. I have a meeting with the CEO at 4:00 which is late enough in the day that I could easily get high in the morning and spend the day prepping for that meeting. I should be sufficiently lucid by then to get through the meeting.