i think living in new york for so long, and my brother’s death, both had a big impact on my ability to socialize effectively. living in nyc was very challenging, particularly in our last neighborhood where class struggle, environmental oppression, homophobia, and sexism really took their toll on me and left me feeling afraid and closed off. my brother’s death made me much more depressed than i think i realized at the time, and also made me feel more closed off, rather than connected with others.
now we’ve moved to a smaller, more human-scale community, ithaca, ny, and i’m getting involved in local activism and trying to foster relationships i hope will last. i’m also trying to be more open about my emotions, and more real and reciprocating in my interactions with folks. so, i’ve felt very isolated and a lot of it may have been self-imposed, but at least i’ve woken up and see a way out.