I’m starting this week.
I’m paying one damn overdue, bad debt, yada yada, yada bill!
I have to start somewhere and sometime. I truly believe that I have to be one of the biggest cowards I’ve ever met! Instead of taking the bold and brave steps I sit in the back corner of a room and sit on my hands.
I do nothing – and wonder why my life seems to be stuck in a rut! It’s no mystery – I think I like it here and am also scared of happiness and/or a change. How pathetic!
artchixx's Life List
1. be the best Aunt ever
2. read all the Harry Potter books
3. decide what the hell I would like to do with the rest of my life
4. stop procrastinating
5. discover my dream career
6. Speak French fluently
7. keep my apartment clean
8. buy my first home
9. Send a postcard to Postsecret
10. get out of debt
11. Write a resume
12. spend less, save more
13. get over my crush
14. pay off a bill
15. Dress better
16. love myself
17. stop obsessing
18. read the twilight series
I’m starting this week.
I think I have discovered a new way to hurt myself.
I show up everyday and hold out my heart and close my eyes.
I secretly hope that this will be the day…
I dream about a moment shared that will never be.
The list is long and full of painful thoughts and emotions. I probably should write about it – give it a voice and maybe get some of the poison out from under my skin. It’s a secret …
Another impossible – and safe relationship that will never be – hence, the safe part. I imagine I would run if this person ever did take notice of me. What am I doing to myself?
Why do I do this to myself?
I can’t stop thinking of this person and wondering how I can get them to notice me…like me…love me…stay…
I seem to be under the ridiculous notion that I can control this person (desperately trying to control something because my life is total chaos). Confession, I don’t really want to control this person, but the thought of letting go – frightens me.
I say friendship is enough – but that is my mask – i think.
How could I ever expect someone else to like me when I can’t be comfortable within my own skin?
My feelings for this person run strong and I need to either get over it or act – and find out out once and for all. And, in the process ruining a friendship…and losing them forever.
I’m not good at jumping off the cliff and taking chances – especially when something is SO wonderful and I seem to be doing anything and everything possible to F*ck it up.
This has become painful and consumes my thoughts.
This is not a good thing – or it doesn’t feel good…
i will continue these thoughts another day…
my heart is breaking.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just below the surface of a body of water. I feel like if I can just break the surface then the breath of air will save me from drowning.
I’ve been drowning in debt ever since my freshman year in college. But, I’m convinced that my money smarts got stunted at the age of two. I’m not trying to make excuses but I truly feel that my parent’s view of money, spending, and saving greatly influenced my life.
I got used to hearing “no!”.
It’s hard to describe – I feel spoiled but deprived at the same time. Is that possible? Maybe “controled” is a better term. My sister and I were told “no” to certain foods, money, gifts, play dates with friends, some school activities, some clothes –
We had so much but were told no to many things that I did not understand as a child. So, when I moved out from underneath my father’s roof I went to the other extreme!
I ate and spent money until I was in such a state that I hardly recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror. The character I have become from my debt antics is embarrassing and actually quite shocking at times. I’m all about the quick fix, the instant gratification, and the impulsive moves.
Now that I’m 30 – I just got through buying a new car and couldn’t get the make and model I deired due to poor credit and not enough for a down payment.
I’m also trying to move from the land and house my parents own (where my sister and I lived for rent free) – and quickly learning that no rental history, not so hot credit report and animals is a VERY BAD thing.
It’s been shocking and eye opening. I know how I got here, but it seemed like just yesterday I was thinking I could fix it later. I feel like I’m finally getting some of the life lessons my father was trying to teach us. AT 30 – I FINALLY COMING AROUND AND TRYING TO GET IT TOGETHER @ 30!! That seems so absurd … I’m not saying 30 is old, but rather that I feel like so much time was wasted and I have nothing much to show for it.
Why am I just now getting this?
I feel very sad and wish I had a do-over.
I suppose I can start from this point.