1. I want to be in the “right mood” before initiating work.
2. If I can push past this and just open up a book or a blank document in Word, then I stare at words (or blankness), which inevitably makes me feel bored and I want to check all my social media, and before Facebook or 43Things sufficed. Now it’s Pinterest and Etsy too. Fortunately I’m not on anything else. But it’s an obsession – “What’s new? What’s new?”
3. If I can shut all those windows, I can work for a few more minutes, but then I want to play a game. 2048 is going to be my undoing. I got my highest score two weeks ago, and I’m pretty sure I’ll never beat it, and yet I have to try…. It’s so bad I’m dreaming of all the numbers that need to pair up.
4. Then when I really try to get serious another rebellion flares up, and I resort to cleaning. I hate cleaning. So I embrace those moments, because I think, “Yes! A clean kitchen, a clean bathroom – those are things J always asks for.” Then I’m relegated back to doing work.
5. And that’s when I start tapping into what’s really bothering me. I don’t feel good enough, I don’t feel smart enough, I miss my cat again, and the barrage of questions come…”Why does this matter? Why did you want to return to school? Do you even like public administration? Will you be able to get a job after all this is done? When are you going to have a family? If you can’t juggle classes, how are you going to juggle a baby and a career? What does any of this matter? Do you really care?”
6. I don’t like those perpetual questions, so I resort back to nos. 2 & 3 until another hour or so passes, I give work one more try, and then I go turn on the tv, because then I don’t want to hear anything my brain or my schoolbooks have to say. [I haven’t gotten to this step yet, but I’m very tempted. J’s home and it’s prime tv-watching time…]
Ugh, I’m exhausted. Help?