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azopfi




I'm doing 11 things
  
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not smoke for 3 days (read all 6 entries…)
i didn't smoke for almost a year 5 months ago

and then i went over to a friend’s house and we had a nice dinner party, drank a good amount of wine, i came home and said “f it, i want to smoke”. i bought a pack of smokes and started smoking like not a day had gone by. how sad that it will always be in my “blood”, how sad that i want something so disgusting that makes me feel disgusting. disgusting. disgusting.
so here i am, a month later and desiring to quit, especially since i told my mom i would.
why do i smoke? well, does it even matter why? kind of and yet, not really. yes, it helps me plug up a flood of emotions that too often (in my opinion) overcome me. i know how to better deal with feeling disappointed in myself for smoking than feeling disappointed in myself for things relating to an ex-man, i will not say more.
however, why do i not smoke? i “not smoke” because i feel more alive, i feel cleaner, i don’t have to shower everytime i’m going to hang out with someone who i don’t want to know i’ve started up again, i don’t cough, i can work out like a maniac and get all my energy out, i don’t think about cigarettes as i hang out with people but instead i think about them, i don’t constantly get depressed about the lines that i’ll get around my mouth and (if i may say so) cute lips. mostly, i just know it is the right way to live, a better way to live.
i bought a pack tonight and i would really like to smoke them tomorrow but i am going to be a woman and throw them away in the morning. i might cry as i do this, as i say goodbye to a perfectly good pack of smokes.
ok, i think i’ll have one more and then go to bed and dream something really nice.

1 cheer | 0 comments

Get wireless internet
convenience 10 months ago

So wonderfully convenient and easy – I feel so spoiled.

0 comments

go skinny dipping
VERY worth it 10 months ago

I would do it every day if I had a place to do it. It’s freeing, refreshing, and sensual.

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have lucid dreams. be a better dancer Be a Warrior Move to Newfoundland work in a wildlife refuge see The Rocky Horror Picture Show in the theater build a platform bed go back to the gym learn piano Shelly Escamilla wants to become more self-confident graduate college with honors make more friends money learn how to tie the stem of a maraschino cherry with my tongue go to japan Learn to paraglide Stop Worring about what other people think of me feel alive again Cowles Clarissa wants to lose 20 lbs as quickly as possible! Move to New York Let the little things go make a new LJ layout practice mindful consumption procrastinate less do *all* the laundry gain weight watch malcolm in the middle