badaffinity

I can (and do regularly) run a 5K on the treadmill, but need to start running it outside to prep for this race. My sister is super athletic and has run the mini marathon before (13 miles!!!). She has been having a hard time lately with life and I was trying to come up with what I can do to help her and some how (in what I can only think was a psychotic break) offered to run it with her. I even bought my plane tickets and registered and everything. This means I have to run, not just play around with it. Wooops. Oh well, it will be fun right? Right…I’ll just keep telling myself that.

Yesterday, I did a lot of weight lifting. Awesome last night, really ouchy now.

Did I mention Ouch! Sore and sucky lately. Ran only 1.5 miles with walk/running after for a total of 3.78 walked/ran on Friday. SUCKATUDE! Today I did a 5K today with much walk/running after for a total of 5.25 miles ran and 1 mile walked. I’ve just got to keep up running at least a 5K when I go to prepare for the 5K I’m running with the sis. I have until May to train for it. I can’t wait for warmer weather so I can start running outside!

This is how I feel about my eating disorder. My eating disorder is like a really bad friend I have in class. I know the answers to the questions my teacher is asking. I am confident in my answers right up until my really bad friend Ed tells me different. “No!” He says. “1 + 1 = 5! I just know it. Come on. Think about it. You know it is true!” And even though, I know he’s wrong (I KNOW he’s wrong) a tiny part of me believes him. If I listen too much to my stupid friend, then I lose perspective on what is true and I am very bad to my health, just like listening to a stupid friend and believing them would be bad for my grades. So I have decided to write some letters to Ed, as my own personal meditation and healing.

Dear Ed,

No. Way.  I'm not going down this street again. I know all these street signs. I've walked by these houses empty of emotion. Over there is Binge Lane.  Right down there is Starvation Blvd. The streets are paved with body distortion.  The air stinks of obsession. I've taken that first step.  That first binge on tater tots.  I just couldn't stop.  I wouldn't have stopped if my acid reflux hadn't stopped me.  Eating just to eat? It's not right.Then the total freak out when I become obsessed over every little calorie? I'm not doing this.

So, I'm not following you down this road, Ed.  Stop asking.  I'm not obsessing over food this time.  I'm not hurting my loved ones because I can't get over the fact that I'm afraid to eat in case I gain a pound.  I'm going to be healthy and pay attention, but not obsess or starve or binge.  Just do what I know is right.

Go on without me, Ed,
Holly