Everything is a little clearer now and my head is a lot lighter without all these silly guys occupying it.
It seems the friend of a friend was only after one thing… I never saw him to confirm it, but then, after turning down his late night invitation never to be heard from again, thats the impression I was left with. Im not upset, I just expected better from him.
As for my “best friend”... where do I start. My feelings toward him are, non-existent. When I saw him a couple weeks ago, it was just as it was before this whole debacle. It was so weird, not feeling anything for him anymore. In a way I feel betrayed, not just by how cowardly he acted with this situation but betrayed by my own feelings. Why did they have to appear in the first place? Did I imagine it all? When I look at him now, theres nothing there, not even a hint of lust or anything more than friendship. I dont get it however Im not upset by it either… I just wish it never occurred. But on the upside, I feel that its given me a definitive answer to a question that would have forever haunted me.
Would we be good together?
Everyone; friends, family, always encouraged me to look at him and it was always in the back of my mind… I could imagine how good a boyfriend he’d be to someone, I always appreciated how well we got on, hes a lot of girls idea of a ‘hunk’ so why didnt I fancy him and I always felt that if only I did, we’d have a great future. How terrible I was for not returning his feelings. But look what came of it. All of my questions have been answered so now I know Im not missing out on anything. If I never meet someone even by the time Im 60, I wont look back and say ‘what if Id given us a chance, my life would be so different’ because I tried, however briefly and realised we are better off just friends.
Sometimes I feel sad for no apparent reason. Maybe its depression. Perhaps its just me.
Ive come to realise recently that I am a Highly Sensitive Person… it explains why sounds bother me so much, why I love peace and quiet, why I get overwhelmed and exhausted around people, why Ive become increasingly jumpy, why I seem to absorb and reflect other peoples emotions, and why comments bother me so much.
Ive not yet figured out a way to deal with these things, but I am accepting of them. Work has been an enormous test… lunching alone has been a necessary struggle if I want to get through the day, of course, not going with my colleagues doesnt sit well with everyone and the incessant comments about my antisocial behaviour is something that affects me daily. In fact, comments about any aspect of me is something I try to ignore. I am sensitive and take things to heart… I know most of the time its banter, but part of me feels that some of what they say may have an element of truth.
After admitting to finding several guys in the canteen attractive, I was subject to being the talk of the office. It took me back to my younger years where guys would be teased for knowing I fancied them… maybe I imagined it, but Ive not known anyone to be pleased by that thought. I wish Id kept it to myself… Im tired of being alone, but am loathe to admit it especially in the face of rarely being fancied.
The guy from the dating site Im talking to is still in the picture. He said a few things to me a few days ago, that suggested he needs someone who can keep him guessing… not sure that would be me. As much as Im still learning about myself, his ability to read me makes me feel so exposed.
is my middle name.
This is possibly the longest time Ive gone without writing an entry about love. I guess Ive had other things occupying my mind and have tried to remain more relaxed about the whole thing.
Ive recently been back in touch with a guy Id been chatting to on a dating site over a year ago… he was really nice but when the feelings toward my friend started to develop, I felt guilty chatting to him. I know, I had no reason to… we’d never met let alone dated, but I needed to figure out where my head was at and during the time it just felt kinder not to string him along. Anyway, he is an awesome guy and one Im glad to have a second chance at getting to know. The only thing is, in all this time, he hasnt seriously attempted to meet up. Im trying to be patient but all I can do is hope Im not being catfished.
On top of that, a guy Id met through friends got in touch with me out of the blue. He is lovely but acts like we’re more familiar with each other than we actually are… having only met him a couple times, he asked me over to his house. This instantly brought my guard up and I may have offended him by admitting I wasnt comfortable with that scenario… but Im still interested in getting to know him if he’ll give me time.
Annnnd, then theres the best friend, who is still a friend. We hung out recently and it was nice. Im glad, relieved, lucky it hasnt ruined things between us.
But all these instances have me wondering why so many guys feign interest in me but don’t actually want to take things further..? I still can’t figure out where Im going wrong.
Im going to retire this goal for a little while, but first I thought Id post an update of where I currently stand with everything.
That weekend I spent moping about was definitely a pivotal point in the whole best friend saga. Even though I suggested meeting up on his return from his birthday break, Ive yet to hear from him… and to be perfectly honest. Im so over it, I couldnt care less.
Thats not something friends do, and its definitely not something someone who wants to be with you would do.
Ive gotten to point now that i dont know if I even want someone like him in my life anymore. Its certainly an INFJ thing that I tend to do quite often with people I feel have betrayed, let me down or simply reveal they dont share my morals, I decide to cut them out and move on. Of course, months down the line I reevaluate the situation, feel guilty or unjustified and end up reaching out again but for now, I can say that I wont be the one to make the first move regardless of whether he knows it or not. He has revealed a lot about himself, a whole side I obviously wasnt subjected to before and I dont like it. I dont want to be with him and I dont know if a friendship can be salvaged.
What this has done though, is taught me a lot about myself and relationships and now I feel more ready to share myself with the right person, especially as its a little clearer now, what kind of guy that might be.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
Anywhere I would have followed you.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.
Me and love.
Me and him.
I was excited for weeks… my best friends birthday was coming up and as I’d only seen him once (briefly) in months I thought it’d be a nice excuse to hang out. I even bought him a present (something I’ve never ever done) and was planning on baking him some cakes (something Ive always promised one day Id do). I asked him what he had planned and it sounded like it would be another day of work and family and not much else.
So you can imagine my disappointment when I messaged him on the day to hear he wasnt even in the country. Someone (male? female?) had taken him away.
Id been holding on, hoping that this would be the chance to see him, to see how things are, to see where things might go. Instead, I moped around listening to the above song, the lyrics of which are so fitting now.
I just dont get it, how could things have turned out this way. Why did he encourage me to develop feelings for him if he doesnt want me. So now all I have is this gift for him here, a reminder of how foolish I’ve been. I give up.
Had ‘one of those days’ where I experienced the spite of my younger sister. Its becoming so much of a habit nowadays its not even funny. She holds a serious grudge and has literally memorised every time I’ve slighted her, its beyond me.
We were getting on okay, watching movies together but she decided to be vindictive. Honestly, its hard when someone shows such hate towards you and only you 90% of the time. The worst part is that when it affects the family, Im forced to forgive and forget which I feel just lets her think that her actions are okay. It makes me feel I should put up with someone treating me wrongfully. But I dont… I just don’t have the energy, its unfair and its undeserving and I have enough love and respect for myself not to accept it anymore.
where this entry fits. I thought I had a goal that involved friends but i must have retired that one. So for now, until I find a more suitable place, I’ll write it here.
It’s been something Ive been thinking about a lot of late. Friends. Authenticity. Sincerity. I guess maybe because it has been the holidays and there were a lot of promises from friends about using that as an excuse to catch up, and although I remind myself that Christmas is more about spending time with family. None of those friends (but one) followed through with their word. Other than the occasional text, I barely heard from anyone.
It got me thinking a lot about the balance between what I do, or perceive myself to do for my friends and what they do in return. Sometimes, it seems really one sided. I try to be there for all of my closest friends, be thoughtful in my actions and my words, but I guess the holidays highlighted that few do the same in return.
Some of the most recent incidents… a friend who had gone years without communication, and the joy of them calling to find out how I am is overshadowed by them asking me a favour. An unappreciated dessert I made when invited to a friends house and didn’t want to arrive empty handed. A simple ‘same to you’ response to a happy new year text.
Some big, some small… but they all add up to the fact that authentic, genuine people are hard to find. I found myself sitting with people and realising their hearts/intentions are not in the right place. Part of loving myself is choosing who I’m going to keep around me and how I allow people to treat me. Here’s to surrounding myself with beautiful people.
do one of these ‘reflect on the past year’ posts, I think I do more than my fair share of reflecting as an INFJ. But then I found myself avoiding thinking about everything thats happened this past year, and thats no good either. So here I am.
The main reason for my avoidance was that I didnt want to admit that this year hasnt been that great. I accomplished a lot, of course I did… but it was hard. Possibly one of the hardest years I have had. So many personal things I had to do deal with, some of those things I still am.
But I’m making 2014 the year for me. Redefining my happiness. I spend an awful lot of time thinking about others and doing what other people want me to do while neglecting the very person that should be at the centre of my universe. Me. Its time to focus on the little things again. A whole chapter came to an end this past year and a new one is just beginning and its down to me to steer it in the right direction.
I wish you all a happy and truly memorable 2014.
I always have to let my feeling runs their course. I cannot rush them, I simply have to let them evolve. No matter how silly or unjustified I know they are, when I feel something it stays with me till it wears off.
So every year, its tradition for me to make sausage rolls and mince pies for christmas. If I dont we simply wont have any (shop bought arent the same). But this year my mother offered to help and initially I was really happy. After all, I absolutely detest touching raw meat and rolling out the sausages. Except, she started making the dough for the pastry and all I could do was stand and watch.
She noticed my mood had shifted because it seemed she was taking over and now not only do I feel annoyed, I feel guilty for how my annoyance has made her feel.
I think it has something to do with giving up control over something I see as my responsibility and also the fact that I hate asking for help and assistance, no matter how desperate I might be for it. :/
I’d managed to put everything to the back of my mind for the most part… communication with my best friend is few and far between since he’s so busy and Ive tried to ignore that niggle in the pit of my stomach.
But my sister decided to put on a show today… ‘friendzoned’, and asked me if my best friend had ever admitted to having feelings for me. I shrugged it off without giving a definitive answer but everyone knows he has.
What noone knows is the state of things now. Half watching the show brought it allll back. The point of the show was for bestfriends to go about admitting their true feelings for one another… the results? Rejection. Friends that never spoke again. Friends that dated for a couple weeks then decided to stay friends. Friends that got together. And friendships that turned awkward.
The more of the show I saw, the worse I felt. You cant predict how things will work out but by the looks of it, going from friends to more doesn’t guarantee a great future.
For Everyone You Meet Is Fighting A Hard Battle. -Plato
I’ve probably quoted this a dozen times before but I truly live by this. So it really irks me when people respond to your woes with “well at least youre not…” and discount your uniquely personal struggles.
It shouldnt be hard to understand that although my battles differ to yours and may not seem as big in comparison that to me my struggles are specific to me and my life and therefore of equal importance.
Whether someone struggles with weight, anxiety, depression, alcohol, drugs, sexuality, relationships… whatever it is, it is a battle that they are facing alone.
There is no need to compete with someone. To try to belittle someones battle just because to you it seems small in comparison. It is not, it is merely different.
We are all searching for happiness and fighting our own demons along the way. Please dont make it any harder.
...more often than not recently. Ive been spending so much time trying to help others and see that theyre okay that it really sucks when noone is willing to do the same in return.
I hate when people ask how you are but want to tell you how youre feeling before you even get a chance to say. Or when you do start telling someone and they turn it around to them, so you end up having to listen to how they feel and their experiences.
I guess this is what saddens me more than anything because as much as I try to help other people, right now I cant seem to help myself.
After writing my ‘inspire someone’ post yesterday, I realised that although it is a nice thing to be remembered and loved and wanted… when I read it back it sounded too much like I’m looking for validation from other people.
Like I need to know if I’m liked, if I’m on the right path, if I’m capable of doing or accomplishing certain things. I need to stop looking externally and start looking within. I don’t need other people to validate me.
Like something I read recently… “I am enough. I am never too much and I am never not enough.”
Well I’m already working on my body. Now I need to work on my mind.
Being nicer to myself both in thoughts and in life. I took last week for myself, I watched a film at the cinema alone and went for a stroll in the park just to experience the season. I treated myself to a new book, pampered myself and refused to engage in any of the stresses other people have put on me recently.
It was the best weekend I’ve had in ages and something I need to do more often.
As much as the point of this goal is to accept, maintain and embrace my naturally slim figure, recently Ive been working on having the best version of that body I possibly can.
Ive started consistently and intuitively eating as much as I can whilst doing weight training to build muscle and add some shape to my frame.
Its not really about the weight but Ive already gained a couple pounds and am excited to see where I am by the end of the year… Im not giving up this time. Im motivated to achieve this, and am prioritising this over other things in my life. Finding other people who have gone through similar journeys is definitely encouraging!
Im still suffering from the effects of workouts, DOMS, sore joints, pulled muscles, but I refuse to let that put me off. I cant wait for the realisation in a few months or even years time, that Im in the strongest and best shape Ive ever been.
I was thinking about this goal as I walked home earlier and realised that inspiring someone is just a small part of what I actually want to accomplish in my life.
When Im gone (or preferably before), I want people to remember me and miss me, I want people to be sad that I’m gone. I want to have meant something to them. That is what I strive for in all of my relationships no matter how fleeting or small. I want to make a good impression, I want to be looked up to and felt proud to know and to be wanted around and in their lives at the good times and bad. I want people to want me to be there for them because they know I care.
I dont care so much for leaving material things behind. It all comes down to having touched someones life and making a positive impact of it.
I care so much for other people and maybe part of it comes down to caring too much about what those people think of me… but if cared. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved.
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to…
A little out of context but those 3 lines express exactly how I feel at this moment.
I decided to push back against the world and what is expected of me. Yesterday, I decided not to attend a friends fancy dress party. In addition to the fact I had spent all day feeling tired and unwell, I simply wasnt in the mood to dress up and be social, drink alcohol and force myself to interact with people I dont know too well. Of course there were a couple friends there I wanted to see but I also thought that I could arrange a more intimate meet up with them another time, doing something I find more enjoyable like cinema or a chat.
Anyway, its the morning after the night before and I feel horrid for not going. A mixture of thoughts like ‘I shouldve just gone’ to ‘I might have had an amazing night’ to ‘I’m going to end up with no friends’. It doesnt help the fact that my friends ARE mad and not talking to me for not going… I couldnt possibly explain my reasoning to them, noone understands how introverts operate except introverts and I dont know many of those.
I look on forums and the little comments at the bottom of articles about us and find so many people that are confident and totally content in doing what for them just comes naturally. Sitting at home reading, watching movies while everyone else is out partying… so why cant I?
Not that there has been any development.
But I do kind of feel like I deserve this, you know… karma, what goes around comes around. I spent years insisting on being friends, nothing more… and now I can begin to understand how he must have felt.
horribly insecure about this goal. I literally only just graduated and the pressure for me to land the dream job is intense. Whether thats me putting it on myself from seeing other peoples success or from external sources, the questions and enquiries into what Im doing, I dont know, maybe a bit of both. Either way its all too much. The more I think about where Im trying to get the further from it I seem to be. Maybe its part of my INFJ nature- we dont really dwell on our accomplishments. Which is pretty crappy because it means that to me, nothing I do means anything, I just kind of, move onto the next. Done. Next.
I feel hugely incompetent in the field I want to get into, regardless of the fact I got a first… I also feel as though Im being realistic. I look around at what people are doing and theres so much I still dont know and I know I have to teach myself but Im scared that itll hold be back because who knows how long thatll take. I had an interview recently which went seemingly well, and although to them I put on this confident air, I keep feeling really intimidated by the roles. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud. Like Im not really good at what I do and Im probably convincing you now that Im not good at what I do at all… and thats half of the problem because if anyone should believe in me, its me.
So I bought tickets for a concert a couple weeks ago… unfortunately I got caught up in the thrill of the purchase and spent an extortionate amount on a single ticket which I massively regret.
Tickets, werent really what I meant when I added this to the list, Im always really sensible when it comes to money and savings which is what inspired me to put it down in the first place but I was going more for… I dont know, a mummified unicorn or michael jackson’s glove or something really bizarre.
Ah well, I wont be buying anything unnecessary for a while now… unless someone wants to buy my ticket! ;)