Limited enjoyment of that one.
So a couple days ago they we’re screening Avengers Assemble in a local park… and I got to go!!
It was during the evening so the stars got to make an appearance, and although it was cold and I forgot to take food, it was definitely worth experiencing. Not sure I’d rush to do it again though… cinemas are just too cosy for that. :)
We had the talk, or rather I brought the talk up because I can’t be in limbo with someone, not knowing where I stand or where the relationship is going… or if it even is one.
But I think I brought it up too early… its just knowing someone for so long, its a hard transition to make. We either are or we’re not.
Anyway, the only conclusion we came to is that we don’t want to go down a ‘friends with benefits’ road. Whatever that means… cause it doesnt feel like we are together, like together together. Unless we’re both very relaxed about the whole thing.
I’m trying not to push things now, letting things develop at their own pace. No more ‘talks’. Those sort of things scare guys away.
My best friend has been away for the week… at first, it didn’t really bother me, it gave me the time and space I needed, to think over what has been going on between us these past few weeks.
I made a vow not to bug him too much while he’s away and just let him message me when he’s free… which hasn’t been often.
But having the chance to clear my head, I’ve realised that actually, I miss him more than I thought I would and that when he gets back, as hard as it may be, I should tell him how I feel and we should talk about maybe, seriously, giving things a try.
Until I saw his comment on an (ex?) girls picture calling her a sexy princess and then I wonder… am I being played by my best friend?
I feel like crying right now… I feel like such a disappointment. Even looking over my goals on here reminds me of how far I have to go, so far that I may never accomplish some of them, which makes me feel like even more of a failure. I guess some of the things require someone to do them with me, and before I knew in my mind who that person would be… but now things are up in the air between us, I cant see them ever happening. Im such a fraud.
This entry links in with yesterdays ‘find love’ one and the mood Im in has slowly crept over me since then so that now I find myself engulfed in this lowness so far that I cant see a way out, a way to make myself feel better.
Sometimes I feel as though I deserve this, that I bring it on myself. Right now, I feel like Im mourning the loss of my best friend even though he’s still in my life, I feel like i’ve made a mistake, that my actions have brought with them consequences I should have considered before in more detail. I don’t know what my feelings toward him are anymore and I wish I could have figured them out before we went down this ‘relationship’ road. If things don’t work out, the blame is all mine. I feel so stupid, I feel weak for letting myself be open to the idea, and a failure for letting my vulnerability get the better of me. Im looking at this all negatively even though it might not be the case, but having him be there for me was sooo nice that now I dont know if mistook my feelings or if they are genuine.
How is it that can you not trust how you feel?
He’s the one person that has been there for me consistently, even if his motives were for it to develop further, I knew I could rely on him. I don’t know what Id do without him, Id be left with no one. I don’t make friends easily, sometimes I wonder if I even know how.
I think, a lot of it has to do with me preferring clear lines between things, now I feel everything is a jumbled mess and I caused it all. We went years and years being JUST friends… now its all in jeopardy.
I saw him a couple days ago… I don’t know what to say. Even though we are seeing each other more often, I still don’t know where I stand, or where things are going… the more confused I am about the situation, the less I feel things are right. If they were, why would I have so much doubt.
When we used to hang out before, it somehow felt as though we were an item, just without any intimacy, but knowing that he had feelings for me made me feel selfish and I feel its worth a try. Sure we’ve kissed and stuff but Im scared to take things further, to the point where there really is no turning back.
Us together, for me, is like saying goodbye to all the future plans we had spoken about. Sharing a flat, going abroad… those things now would mean something sooo different, and if we go back to how things were before all this, could we still do those things? What if things don’t work out… and I start seeing someone else. What then? Will they expect me to cut him off, to relieve him of our friendship. I don’t think I could.
Being best friends for sooo many years, I havent told anyone about this development, I always liked being able to prove that the opposite sex can have a platonic friendship and part of me wishes we could go back to that… I need to figure out how I feel but I cant get my head straight.
Am I thinking too far ahead? Am I just thinking too much?
I’m no good at this.
I’m no good at letting people in. Im no good with uncertainty. Im no good at living in the moment. Im no good at letting go and being forward. Im no good with change and not knowing where I stand.
I hate letting on to other people how much I like them, I dont like the feeling of them knowing they have power over me, or my emotions. I like to give off this air of being in control even when I least feel like thats what I want to do. Sometimes I want to give in but Im scared things will move too fast and Ill regret it later. Im scared of what theyll think of me, Im scared that when they get what theyre after theyll disappear.
I try to tell them parts of this but I dont like how it comes across… I dont want them to think Im too much to handle. That Im fragile or naive.
Sometimes I think itll be easier to stay as friends because I can already see myself caring what he thinks about things I previously was not bothered about, caring if he’ll make time to see me as much as he did before, caring whether his actions towards me are different. It bothers me that things are so comfortable yet new at the same time… that tells me we cant go back.
I dont know what Im doing and it shows, I think. When Im with him and I start thinking over these things, my mood/reaction changes and he can sense it and although I want to talk it over, sometimes I think its all in my head. So this is a running commentary of everything thats running through my head now. Like if I can get some of it out Ill be able to establish whether Im overthinking it all or not.
I asked him what is going on between us now… he said he hadnt thought about it, and for some reason that stung. It was as though he didnt care to make things official, that maybe his motives had changed and if thats true Id want to put my hands up right now and say stop. Stop giving me hope in the idea of us. If thats true Id rather remain friends.
till the exhibition and only having finished working on all my projects a couple days ago I am not thrilled at the prospect of helping organise the show.
I was, last year, really excited at the thought that soon we’d have the opportunity to showcase our work to the world but now not so much. I guess I wasn’t feeling too confident in where my projects were going until the end and the thought of them being displayed to the public and the fact that I have to defend them makes me feel nervous.
I am not so good at articulating myself in speech and especially on the spot so the fact that the attention could possibly be on me for a portion of the exhibition is something I have to really get used to.
The show should open with a private view which means having to liaise with loads of professionals. I plan to invite the few people I’ve worked with during my time at uni, if theyll come, but in terms of family, Im not sure if many will be interested.
My mum will definitely come, but my dad will be away, which doesnt surprise me, and my older sister probably wont want to bother. After all… she hasnt even shown interest in the fact that Ive finished.
I know I should be a bit more positive about it all but right now I cant wait for it to be over.
I guess what this entry is about, Im scared to admit. That sudden dawning that you are possibly starting to have feelings for someone, someone you had previously refrained from seeing in a romantic light. And this change scares me because it could signify the end of what we have now. Im constantly going back and forth in my head over what the right thing to do is… and honestly, putting myself out there is something I find really hard to do. Being open and vulnerable… putting my trust in the fact that he won’t turn around and change his mind about me. I don’t want to lose him which I guess is partly the reason why Im holding back. You cant lose what you don’t have. But at the same time, I can imagine he’d be everything Ive ever wanted…
I’m so excited to be working on this goal. Although I haven’t officially started yet, very soon I’ll be volunteering at a local animal shelter. Its small but its a start.
I’ve always seen myself working with animals, whether professionally or voluntarily… I love animals. They make my heart smile. :)
Its almost here, and right now, all that Im concerned about is that the work I produce is good enough to feature in the show at all. The last couple months have been pretty tough but the final deadlines are next week so reaching them will definitely be an accomplishment in itself regardless of how the show turns out.
My mood is a bit iffy so I thought I’d attempt to feel a little more positive by concentrating on an achievement…
I was a bit panicked during the week, I felt I fallen off track with my essay and had missed deadlines and tutorials so after focussing on writing and researching for the past week I managed to get 7000 words down! Go me!
At the end of the day, I knew that it wouldnt get done unless I put my mind to it and made a start and now Im not only on track, I actually feel better.
Im going to focus on this goal… till my self esteem improves. Im sure its achievable cause right now I feel its holding me back from so many other things.
Accomplishment. Happiness. Love.
Any negativity from anyone just manifests itself. If I feel like Ive failed at one thing, I feel like a failure in everything.
I need to start being my own best friend. I spend so much time trying to help others feel positive about themselves… its like my own happiness gets drained. Then I spend weeks trying to reestablish my own again- its time to distance myself from these people and people who only want to put me down.
I guess I might be in denial a little bit about just how bad this is and something needs to change. Soon.
I am number one. I am the most important person in my life and I need to start acting like it. No more negativity… Its a wonder how much of an impact positive thinking can have. You mind is such a powerful influence.
So its Valentines Day… A big, red, heart shaped reminder that I’m still single. What makes it sting that little bit more is that on a couple occasions when I’ve spoken on the phone to a guy (met online but havent met) I quite like, he has brought it up. How he’s sending me a card (he doesn’t have my address)... Asking me what my plans are… and now the day is here and we haven’t spoken at all.
Anyway I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up… Well, I don’t even know what I was expecting.
Shockingly only watched Daybreakers a couple of months ago for ‘research’ purposes! In fact, I ended up watching it almost every night for a few weeks I thought it was THAT good!
New additions: Drive, True Grit and The Social Network
1 down 37 to go!
So, Im suffering from a major bout of apathy. My motivation for my studies has reached such a low… I don’t want to work on my projects, I cant be bothered to start my essay. Im seriously worried that Ill ruin the past two years of university by getting rubbish grades this year.
If anyone has any advice, please share. I want to go back to uni next week with the same motivation I started with.
Last weekend I had a call from from the apparent wife of a guy who I didnt know but from the number of a guy I had text from online but had no response. Or to make it clearer, a guy had given me his number but not responded when I text until I had a phonecall from the wife of a guy going by a different name… phew.
Anyway, I didnt sign up to be accused of being an escort and so Ive decided (hopefully) to delete my online dating profile come the new year… Ill continue talking to the potentials I have already met but I no longer want to go through the routine of introductions with random guys. The new year I want to concentrate on me, my goals, my education and my fitness, if something develops during that time good and if not, so be it.
I can say that over the year (yes, its been that long) my experience with online dating hasnt been that great, obviously. You really have to develop a thick skin because guys will throw all sorts of things at you and Im tired of it, Ive learnt a lot about myself, about guys, what I want and what I deserve so that’ll do me. So heres to a year being “single by design”.
To gain a stone by my birthday.
I have the weight training workouts down, I just need to concentrate on increasing my food portions.
I can do this!
On Boxing Day, I made the catastrophic (slight exaggeration) decision to check my facebook account. I dont use it that much which is very clear from my hideous timeline, yet I dip in now and again to check in with friends and what people deem, important posts/events/pictures.
Which is when I saw someone had uploaded photos of a mutual “friends” wedding on Christmas day.
To say I was taken aback was an understatement. I simply couldnt believe that someone I had been friends with for 10 years could not share news of her marriage with me. Now you may think this is one of the major flaws about facebook but in hindsight the fact that that is how I found out has little to do with it.
Its wasnt something small like passing her driving test, this was a life changing event from which I wasnt even told about… and it made me really question our friendship. We may not have been the ‘talk everyday friends’ (the friends I treasure the most are the ones I dont have to but when I do its like no time has passed), but only months ago she had asked a favour of me on something important she was working on and we had recently shared our obsession for Twilight and yet she never once divulged that her wedding was coming up.
That kind of put a downer on boxing day for a little bit and even now, days later I am seriously considering deactivating my fb account permanently, for no good comes of it. Ugh.
... and its pretty much perfect! :’)