baileys_truffle

My mood has been at the lowest of the low in a long time today. My sister seriously frustrated me yesterday and even after sleeping on it, i managed to wake up in a bad mood. Ensued an entire day of feeling crappy and all because of her.

Partly I think she does it on purpose, and partly I think you cannot even begin to fathom that other people exist and are just as important as she. Its sounds mean but Im just telling it how I see it, and if anyone else in the family agrees they wouldnt dare say it so I always feel Im in the wrong.

I know reacting to it is letting her win, and I need to stop showing any response to her actions. Especially as its positive for her and negative for me. Not really sure how to tackle this though… I know I shouldnt let it get to me, but itll bother me to turn a blind eye to all the wrong/inconsiderate things she does, otherwise its like saying its okay to act behave that way. Its a damned if you do, damned if you dont situation I guess…

I always knew being nice doesnt get you anywhere but seriously…

So my younger sister may be moving away to be with her boyfriend… one of those ‘I cannot possibly survive 24hrs without him’, which I think is quite sad and give permission to anyone to slap me if I lose my head over a guy. Anyway, my mum counters, ‘it should be her (meaning me) moving out first.’ Yeah, like thanks… like I want to still be living at home.

My entire existence has been spent being compared to either my older sister or my younger sister, Ive never been judged by my own ability or successes and failures. Always those around me. It sucks. I think thats why Ive always strived to do well academically, to gain some form of recognition that they havent had… not that its got me much.

The fact that Im even bothering to get a degree goes over their heads, I feel like it doesnt count for much. Even having worked in the past for the same company for three years doesnt qualify for much in my dads eyes. He still treats me as though Im starting out. Its annoying and unfair.

But the main reason I do these things, study when I could be working, or living at home when I could have moved out and lived way above my means, is because I want a future. A future that they might never attain through their choices.

I want to have a decent job, a job Im proud of and enjoy, I want to own my own home. Yet already Ive had to sacrifice so much and theres no guarantee that Ill ever get these things, does that mean the path Im taking isnt worth it? I hope not. I dont want to settle.

When I think how hard it is, how much further Ive still to go… I know that if I ponder over it for too long Ill freeze, like a deer in the headlights. I try not to think too much, i just do. I get on with my uni projects and continue living at home (which at times, like now where Im forced to accommodate my sister, is a struggle) and I just hope that in the future it pays off.

...and being lonely, yeah. Im still waiting for love to conquer all.

I was going to post the lyrics to Joan Armatradings ‘The Weakness in Me’ song as I thought it summed up how Im feeling, and in part it does, but I dont have a lover AND an admirer. Hell, Im not sure I even have an admirer but the whole ‘weakness in me’ thing really resonates so here are opening and closing lyrics:

“I’m not the sort of person who falls
In and quickly out of love
But to you I gave my affection
Right from the start

Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?
Why do you come here
And pretend to be just passing by?
But I need to see you,
And I mean to hold you
Tightly.”

He doesnt know what he wants and I get that, I just wish I could hold off caring till hes decided… what I need to realise is that there doesnt have to be a clear cut label on everything. Guess I need to revisit my ‘act like a lady, think like a man’ goal.

The release of the film really encouraged me to pursue this one a little bit more especially as it stars Keira Knightley.

Im so glad I did as it is a wonderful book i have trouble putting into words. Tolstoy is a master storyteller and painted every aspect of this novel you could possibly imagine. It was so complex and meticulous, showing love in all its glory and sorrow.

By the end I felt I had lived through society and had fallen in love with Anna herself… highly recommended. The film also! :)

I discussed said guy with my friend… its the first time Ive mentioned him to anyone for fear of jinxing it. I neednt have worried. It hasnt worked out anyway.

She convinced me to give it one last try and so I asked him out for the third time. Third time lucky right? Wrong. Well he at least agreed… how many times will I let that fool me. It doesnt mean he’ll go through with it. Hell, I already know its not going to happen.

Another friend recoiled in horror at the thought that Im STILL single. Her first assumption, Im too picky. Thanks again.

Ive even been advised to pull a Grease. Sex it up like Sandy with leather and cigarettes. That couldnt be further from the real me if I tried, but being me doesnt seem to be working either.

Im thinking, when I return to uni to undertake another work placement. It will for part of my qualification and so its really important that I chose something beneficial.

After the not quite so positive experience I had with my previous one, its led me to think hard about what area I want to pursue and what will help me most in my future, I dont want to waste months doing something Im not interested in.

Its really daunting as Im not sure if my skill levels are high enough to be able to impress at a work experience of my desired field… but then isnt that the whole point of the placement? To gain experience?

I received a flurry of messages regarding a pencil drawing of mine recently.

A lot of them were praise but a few of them were from people who were motivated to work on their own artwork or hone their ability.

Those were the truly lovely messages and in fact had the opposite effect in that they have actually motivated me to keep drawing and inspired me to push myself further! :)

I think, of trying too hard sometimes. I can believe Im date-worthy but once anyone actually starts fancying me I wonder what it is they like about me and try to keep it up. Still being myself, but just, more.

I guess I find people ‘liking’ me uncomfortable. I dont know why that is. Maybe because its so rare and never lasts.

This describes both me and love and the also my relationship with aforementioned ‘starsign’ guy.

It happened, just as they said it would. He spoke to me as though not a day had passed between us. He said things to me Id been wanting to hear for ages and because he was slightly inebriated it gave me more reason to believe them.

The next day though, he was colder than ever, I could tell he regretted opening up the lines of communication again and especially being open to me. I tried to get to the bottom of it, I need the truth but that was out of the question. It seems friendship is all Im going to get and even that is strained.

So Im giving up, I know Ive been here before but I cant deal with the disappointment anymore. I feel I deserve to love and be loved but for some reason it evades me every time.

Heres a confession, theres a scene at the beginning of The Wedding Planner… where Jennifer Lopez returns home to an empty house and sets herself a meal for one in front of the TV. Ive always envisioned this would be me. That thats what the future has in store for me. I could learn to appreciate that life, put my heart into my work. Things seem less complicated that way! :’)

Over the last couple days Ive descended into this self-destructive, self-criticising mood which I hate.

Its funny how your mind likes to focus on the bad over the good.

Losing faith in this goal, I used to ponder over that question: Who would you chose, the one that you love or the one that loves you? At one point I thought that youd be more secure in knowing that someone loves you regardless of how you felt back, but then I realised that that is not living or having courage… that is settling. Much better it is to go after the person who you have feelings for.

So it pains me to think that a friend who I do not harbour feelings for potentially fancies me, this actually makes me uncomfortable.

On top of that, a guy I was talking to online for a day or so mentioned that they needed someone a bit more exciting. Even though I think this had to do with me not partaking in sexual innuendo it still bothers me thats how I come across. I know it shouldnt, I believe I have my fair share of interests but not many guys take the time to find out what they are. In fact, not many guys appreciate the kind of woman I am at all… and the only one that ever did no longer cares.

Its funny that I get those messages from guys who assume I have my pick out of the people on there which annoys me because the guys that try to so hard at first, or the guys I go after always the ones to turn me down.

Why cant dating be like it was in the old days, where men courted and showed genuine interest.

So, at the risk of sounding a bit weird… I believe that certain star signs carry similar traits and characteristics. Ive witnessed it in certain family members of the same sign and always take this into account with people Im thinking of dating.

But I still couldnt believe how accurate the description was for the guy I liked and had I read it beforehand I probably wouldnt have allowed myself to start liking him in the first place.

On top of that, the comments section was brimming with people who had dated a guy of this sign and 90% had been through the same situation as I had: the regular communication, support, praise, adoration and then nothing. Just radio silence. Even without pressure and giving loads of space they are still scared to commit…

The good thing that has come from this knowledge though, is that I dont blame him. I dont expect our relationship to develop and I understand what went on between us a little better.

So Im persevering with the online dating and even though Id probably avoid that sign in future, I havent come across anyone who I can chat to as easily as i did when I first met him :/

I came across these recently and they relate so well to my recent posts :)

“She didn’t belong anywhere and she never really belonged to anyone. And everyone else belonged somewhere and to someone. People thought she was too wonderful. But she only wanted to belong to someone. People always thought she was too wonderful to belong to them or that something too wonderful would hurt too much to lose. And that’s why she liked him—because he just thought she was crazy.”

“‎They are angry with me, because I know what I am.” Said the little eagle. “How do you know that they are angry with you?” “Because, they despise me for wanting to soar, they only want me to peck at the dirt, looking for ants, with them. But I can’t do that. I don’t have chicken feet, I have eagle wings.” “And what is so wrong with having eagle wings and no chicken feet?” Asked the old owl. “I’m not sure, that’s what I’m trying to find out.” “They hate you because you know that you are an eagle and they want you to think you are a chicken so that you will peck at the ground looking for ants and worms, so that you will never know that you are an eagle and always think yourself a chicken. Let them hate you, they will always be chickens, and you will always be an eagle. You must fly. You must soar.” Said the old owl.”

“The only problem with her is that she is too perfect. She is bad in a way that entices, and good in a way that comforts. She is mischief but then she is the warmth of home. The dreams of the wild and dangerous but the memories of childhood and gladness. She is perfection. And when given something perfect, it is the nature of man to dedicate his mind to finding something wrong with it and then when he is able to find something wrong with it, he rejoices in his find, and sees only the flaw, becoming blind to everything else! And this is why man is never given anything that is perfect, because when given the imperfect and the ugly, man will dedicate his mind to finding what is good with the imperfect and upon finding one thing good with the extremely flawed, he will only see the one thing good, and no longer see everything that is ugly. And so….man complains to God for having less than what he wants… but this is the only thing that man can handle. Man cannot handle what is perfect. It is the nature of the mortal to rejoice over the one thing that he can proudly say that he found on his own, with no help from another, whether it be a shadow in a perfect diamond, or a faint beautiful reflection in an extremely dull mirror.”

The more I learn about myself, the more I realise that I truly don’t fit in anywhere, not in a group anyway.

Sometimes I think I do, but then I realise that there is always an aspect of my personality Im hiding, or an interest, or a feeling… maybe thats down to me more than them, but I find it hard.

I had a thought earlier, of the times someone has called me a nickname- brains, nutter or trouble but in an endearing way and its because Ive shown them a side of me thats normally hidden… the goofy or silly or weird. Its so nice to be with people with whom i can truly be myself…

People who make you feel bad about things especially in a way to make themselves look better.

Today it was my sister commenting on the fact that she has a job and I dont. Even though I tried to find a job for the uni summer break.

On Saturday it was my friend patronising me about having to get me home on time after a night out just because she is grown up, married and rents a flat.

Thats not even the worst of it…

I know I shouldnt let it bother me, and for the most part I dont. I just dont understand why people feel the need to do it. I would most certainly feel bad if I made someone feel inadequate for not yet achieving what I had. Most of my life Ive felt behind but Ive come to realise that my journey is not someone else’s and that its okay to do things at a different time. Life is not a race or a competition.

But what is with this constant vindictiveness from different directions. Do I inspire these feelings in people? Is it something i do… Im just trying to make the most of what Ive got. Im just trying to be happy.

I guess this is why I have misanthropic tendencies…

My mum of all people accused me of being too picky today and that soon all the guys my age will already have kids! Ive had it from friends but I thought she of all people would be more understanding of my situation. Ive attempted online dating a couple times now and I actually think Im quite non-judgemental, but everyone seems to think that Im single of my own fault.

The truth is, not many guys ever show an interest in me and contrary to popular belief I dont have a queue of people to turn down, plus the ones I admit to liking always find a way to humiliate me over it to the point where I can no longer freely admit to guys how I feel.

In my life requited love does not exist. Ive learnt the easiest way to deceive a girl is to talk of a future with you in it, just to keep you there as back-up and Ive learnt that if a guy is decent enough and has female friends, the second you meet him one of his ‘friends’ will wake up and come forward to claim him.

I thought it was time to stop holding out hope that previously mentioned guy would show interest in me again.

I was feeling so happy and content a few days ago I thought I was ready to tackle online dating again because I cant imagine that Id meet anyone any other way. But it sucks I had to resort to this again… theres nothing wrong with me so why am I so unlucky in love?

I guess I still dont understand why, after talking to me for soo long, the guy bailed. What went wrong… why did he suddenly decide he no longer wanted to pursue so much as a friendship with me. Was it all lies?

1. I still surprise myself with my ability to draw
2. My love of films
3. The way Ill lay there just savouring the quiet, taking in everything around me
4. My eyes
5. The way my brain absorbs useless random facts but forgets things like what I ate yesterday
6. My skin tone
7. Im able to keep calm in a crisis
8. My inherent creativity
9. I have a unique sense of humour/sarcasm
10. My slim build

I think Im quite happy. Im at least content with a hint of confidence. Everything is not perfect but Im trying not to focus on that and enjoy myself as best I can. Thats all I can do for now.

Vindictiveness is something Ive had directed at me in the past and again recently, sure the first time it hurt… But now Ive learnt to identify this and the people most expected to do it, Im able to manage and ignore it. Take the high road.

If I can learn to do the same with inconsideration/selfishness, Ill be on my way to achieving this goal :)