We finally had time to hang out. This is only the second time in as many months that we’ve spent time together, and even though we don’t talk as often as before, when we do its comfortable and fun and natural as always.
Before I left though, I braved it and brought up the subject of “us”. My thoughts were kind of confirmed… as much as I like to believe that we do possibly want to give things a go, its all come at the wrong time.
Theres not anything I can do or say that will make this all work out. Whatever will be, will be.
Sooo… it was my brothers birthday and I got him a dvd boxset as his present. We both love films and it was movies he’d been wanting to see for ages so after he opened them I casually mentioned that Id like to watch at least the first one with him, you know, cause it would be cool to see his reaction.
Anyway, as soon as I said it I felt some kind of way, like I didnt have the right to be telling him that, he should be able to enjoy then when he wishes… then the next day my mum had a go at me for telling him he had to watch it with me so now I feel worse. The end.
just how I wished it wouldn’t.
We’re both busy and he has no time for me… when Im alone, have nothing to do or simply walking down the street, my mind wanders and it all comes back to this.
Me and him. This relationship or lack thereof. The fact that I feel so rejected weighs heavily on my heart.
That I let down the walls for him, the carefully constructed barrier that seemed to dissolve around him is now reenforced. Stronger.
Im numb to it. Indifferent. In a way, I expected it… it all seemed too easy- the idea of love being within my grasp. The comfort of someone else’s company. The plans you both have that seem to interlock with each others.
And with a blink of an eye, its all gone.
I left work today, disappointed… in myself really, and those around me.
As mentioned in my first post, there is a permanent position going at my temping workplace which Im debating going for. Well there is me and another temp currently working there at the moment and the truth is, a lot of the decision as to who gets the job will be who is most liked within the team.
Me being the quiet, introvert, head down, work hard one, I feel I dont make as big an impression, or at least not a fantastic one. I dont want to apply because if it was a choice between us, I feel Id be bypassed for not standing out.
During my interview, the boss informed me that a lot of who gets asked back comes down to how they get on with the team, and although I do, my introvertedness means I shy away from small talk and dont give a lot away. I can listen and laugh and make occasional jokes but being extrovert doesnt come naturally to me and I feel people will think Im not worth the effort. Sitting with everyone at lunch is a most painful experience and the more pressure I put on myself to talk, the less I can think to say.
I know Ive only been there a few weeks but everyone else seems to settle in to new environments and build a rapport with other people so quickly, whereas I just dont. Even though I can see an improvement each day and feel more settled in, it takes me ages… but I put myself out there because I know things get better. Its just whether, others will give me the time and of course, if i feel someone doesnt want to or doesnt like me, I wont even try.
Plus somehow it has taken me a couple weeks to notice this total cutie at my workplace… Ive had the chance to talk to him a few times and he is soooo nice and Im just soooo awkward. Whyyy.
So Im freelancing at the moment, and its not really in a field I want to get into but I have the software skills and the pay is good so it beats sitting at home.
But now it seems there is a permanent position coming up and Im faced with a dilemma… apply for it knowing its something I cant see myself wanting to do long term just for the sake of having money and a job, or pass it up so someone else can go for it. I know theres no guarantee Ill even get it but seeing how hard it has been to dedicate time to job hunting for the short space of time Ive been there so far, I know how important it is to work on getting a job that will further my career in the direction I want for the future.
Finding it hard to get away with it of late…
Being constantly sociable is exhausting, and at work there are days when I just want to switch of, plug in my music and get on with it but that would look bad. I’d love if I could just spend the lunch hour on my own but even that is difficult to negotiate. Its just, the longer I go on trying to talk and joke, the more tired I get… until I shut off.
Its really weird. After a while a switch will just go off in my head and I’ll suddenly feel overwhelmed or like I’ve had enough and then I withdraw inside myself and go extra quiet or want to run away to somewhere quiet, (I love quiet so much I even keep my phone on vibrate). Its like my socialise battery has depleted.
Plus, with my new job, there are times when I have to ask questions. Which sounds easy enough, except the fact that as an introvert, I hate interrupting people which means occupying myself whilst waiting for an opening. Jeez.
I never notice these ‘symptoms’ in anyone else. On a scale of 1-10 my introversion must be about 13.
So, I found out the reason my best friend has been semi distant with me about this whole getting together thing for the past few weeks. I’ve never mentioned it on here before but Im a virgin and when we departed down the romantic road, I told him because I wanted to be open and he was the last person I expected to see it as a problem. And in fact, his response at the time was great… a little too great I suppose.
I guess, the fact that most girls lose it in their early teens means that apparently, to guys… at my age its equal to having the plague. Most, if not all the guys Ive seen romantically in the past have lost interest around the time theyve found out. I know its something theyd surely find out or realised themselves eventually so I never see any point in trying to deceive them.
But now I dont know where this leaves us…
Do I regret telling him? Yes. Do I think I was right to tell him? Yes.
Okay, the main reason I write these entries is because I havent shared any on this with anyone else and it allows me to get it all out without taking it out on the person in question. By writing it down, I can see where Im being paranoid or overly sensitive. Plus, I try not to let people see self-conscious, unsure side of me… Id like to give of this air of being selfassured and confident. But in love I am not those things… although I am trying.
So anyway. This whole situation with my bestfriend is niggling me… Im trying to ignore it but it really does seem like hes not interested in pursuing anything with me anymore. He hasnt said anything of that sort, but when I saw him last he seemed cold/distant and we havent communicated much since.
If thats the case, Id just like to know so I can move past it… for someone that has wanted something more from the offset of our relationship, itll hurt if it turns out that now his feelings are reciprocated, he doesnt care.
It took so much for me to finally admit my feelings, not only to him but to myself. Ive let down so many walls throughout the years that he’s seen the truest version of me than anyone… for him not to want me after all that, for him to think Im not what he wants in a girlfriend like he hasnt had enough time to realise, thats what will hurt the most to hear.
I dont want to fall for him if its not going to last, and if we end up going back to being ‘just friends’ (even though it hardly feels like things have changed) than i really dont think it will be the same.
So Im trying to keep myself occupied with other things, Im just so confused.
Limited enjoyment of that one.
So a couple days ago they we’re screening Avengers Assemble in a local park… and I got to go!!
It was during the evening so the stars got to make an appearance, and although it was cold and I forgot to take food, it was definitely worth experiencing. Not sure I’d rush to do it again though… cinemas are just too cosy for that. :)
We had the talk, or rather I brought the talk up because I can’t be in limbo with someone, not knowing where I stand or where the relationship is going… or if it even is one.
But I think I brought it up too early… its just knowing someone for so long, its a hard transition to make. We either are or we’re not.
Anyway, the only conclusion we came to is that we don’t want to go down a ‘friends with benefits’ road. Whatever that means… cause it doesnt feel like we are together, like together together. Unless we’re both very relaxed about the whole thing.
I’m trying not to push things now, letting things develop at their own pace. No more ‘talks’. Those sort of things scare guys away.
My best friend has been away for the week… at first, it didn’t really bother me, it gave me the time and space I needed, to think over what has been going on between us these past few weeks.
I made a vow not to bug him too much while he’s away and just let him message me when he’s free… which hasn’t been often.
But having the chance to clear my head, I’ve realised that actually, I miss him more than I thought I would and that when he gets back, as hard as it may be, I should tell him how I feel and we should talk about maybe, seriously, giving things a try.
Until I saw his comment on an (ex?) girls picture calling her a sexy princess and then I wonder… am I being played by my best friend?
I feel like crying right now… I feel like such a disappointment. Even looking over my goals on here reminds me of how far I have to go, so far that I may never accomplish some of them, which makes me feel like even more of a failure. I guess some of the things require someone to do them with me, and before I knew in my mind who that person would be… but now things are up in the air between us, I cant see them ever happening. Im such a fraud.
This entry links in with yesterdays ‘find love’ one and the mood Im in has slowly crept over me since then so that now I find myself engulfed in this lowness so far that I cant see a way out, a way to make myself feel better.
Sometimes I feel as though I deserve this, that I bring it on myself. Right now, I feel like Im mourning the loss of my best friend even though he’s still in my life, I feel like i’ve made a mistake, that my actions have brought with them consequences I should have considered before in more detail. I don’t know what my feelings toward him are anymore and I wish I could have figured them out before we went down this ‘relationship’ road. If things don’t work out, the blame is all mine. I feel so stupid, I feel weak for letting myself be open to the idea, and a failure for letting my vulnerability get the better of me. Im looking at this all negatively even though it might not be the case, but having him be there for me was sooo nice that now I dont know if mistook my feelings or if they are genuine.
How is it that can you not trust how you feel?
He’s the one person that has been there for me consistently, even if his motives were for it to develop further, I knew I could rely on him. I don’t know what Id do without him, Id be left with no one. I don’t make friends easily, sometimes I wonder if I even know how.
I think, a lot of it has to do with me preferring clear lines between things, now I feel everything is a jumbled mess and I caused it all. We went years and years being JUST friends… now its all in jeopardy.
I saw him a couple days ago… I don’t know what to say. Even though we are seeing each other more often, I still don’t know where I stand, or where things are going… the more confused I am about the situation, the less I feel things are right. If they were, why would I have so much doubt.
When we used to hang out before, it somehow felt as though we were an item, just without any intimacy, but knowing that he had feelings for me made me feel selfish and I feel its worth a try. Sure we’ve kissed and stuff but Im scared to take things further, to the point where there really is no turning back.
Us together, for me, is like saying goodbye to all the future plans we had spoken about. Sharing a flat, going abroad… those things now would mean something sooo different, and if we go back to how things were before all this, could we still do those things? What if things don’t work out… and I start seeing someone else. What then? Will they expect me to cut him off, to relieve him of our friendship. I don’t think I could.
Being best friends for sooo many years, I havent told anyone about this development, I always liked being able to prove that the opposite sex can have a platonic friendship and part of me wishes we could go back to that… I need to figure out how I feel but I cant get my head straight.
Am I thinking too far ahead? Am I just thinking too much?
I’m no good at this.
I’m no good at letting people in. Im no good with uncertainty. Im no good at living in the moment. Im no good at letting go and being forward. Im no good with change and not knowing where I stand.
I hate letting on to other people how much I like them, I dont like the feeling of them knowing they have power over me, or my emotions. I like to give off this air of being in control even when I least feel like thats what I want to do. Sometimes I want to give in but Im scared things will move too fast and Ill regret it later. Im scared of what theyll think of me, Im scared that when they get what theyre after theyll disappear.
I try to tell them parts of this but I dont like how it comes across… I dont want them to think Im too much to handle. That Im fragile or naive.
Sometimes I think itll be easier to stay as friends because I can already see myself caring what he thinks about things I previously was not bothered about, caring if he’ll make time to see me as much as he did before, caring whether his actions towards me are different. It bothers me that things are so comfortable yet new at the same time… that tells me we cant go back.
I dont know what Im doing and it shows, I think. When Im with him and I start thinking over these things, my mood/reaction changes and he can sense it and although I want to talk it over, sometimes I think its all in my head. So this is a running commentary of everything thats running through my head now. Like if I can get some of it out Ill be able to establish whether Im overthinking it all or not.
I asked him what is going on between us now… he said he hadnt thought about it, and for some reason that stung. It was as though he didnt care to make things official, that maybe his motives had changed and if thats true Id want to put my hands up right now and say stop. Stop giving me hope in the idea of us. If thats true Id rather remain friends.
till the exhibition and only having finished working on all my projects a couple days ago I am not thrilled at the prospect of helping organise the show.
I was, last year, really excited at the thought that soon we’d have the opportunity to showcase our work to the world but now not so much. I guess I wasn’t feeling too confident in where my projects were going until the end and the thought of them being displayed to the public and the fact that I have to defend them makes me feel nervous.
I am not so good at articulating myself in speech and especially on the spot so the fact that the attention could possibly be on me for a portion of the exhibition is something I have to really get used to.
The show should open with a private view which means having to liaise with loads of professionals. I plan to invite the few people I’ve worked with during my time at uni, if theyll come, but in terms of family, Im not sure if many will be interested.
My mum will definitely come, but my dad will be away, which doesnt surprise me, and my older sister probably wont want to bother. After all… she hasnt even shown interest in the fact that Ive finished.
I know I should be a bit more positive about it all but right now I cant wait for it to be over.
I guess what this entry is about, Im scared to admit. That sudden dawning that you are possibly starting to have feelings for someone, someone you had previously refrained from seeing in a romantic light. And this change scares me because it could signify the end of what we have now. Im constantly going back and forth in my head over what the right thing to do is… and honestly, putting myself out there is something I find really hard to do. Being open and vulnerable… putting my trust in the fact that he won’t turn around and change his mind about me. I don’t want to lose him which I guess is partly the reason why Im holding back. You cant lose what you don’t have. But at the same time, I can imagine he’d be everything Ive ever wanted…
I’m so excited to be working on this goal. Although I haven’t officially started yet, very soon I’ll be volunteering at a local animal shelter. Its small but its a start.
I’ve always seen myself working with animals, whether professionally or voluntarily… I love animals. They make my heart smile. :)
Its almost here, and right now, all that Im concerned about is that the work I produce is good enough to feature in the show at all. The last couple months have been pretty tough but the final deadlines are next week so reaching them will definitely be an accomplishment in itself regardless of how the show turns out.
My mood is a bit iffy so I thought I’d attempt to feel a little more positive by concentrating on an achievement…
I was a bit panicked during the week, I felt I fallen off track with my essay and had missed deadlines and tutorials so after focussing on writing and researching for the past week I managed to get 7000 words down! Go me!
At the end of the day, I knew that it wouldnt get done unless I put my mind to it and made a start and now Im not only on track, I actually feel better.