bambi216

Currently in the process of crawling out of my artist comfort zone. My usual subject matter is people………human’s, the body, the face, emotions, etc. But this year I’ve decided to not make it easy for myself and I’m delving below the skin. Internal organs, diseases, the decay of the inside of our bodies, versus the outside.

This would be outside my comfort zone for two reasons. 1. I don’t like drawing or painting faceless objects, I like emotion, movement, etc. And 2. People’s insides kinda make me black out, soooo…examining the inside of a kidney and how it decomposes is certainly challenging for me but I’m actually getting over it.

It’s funny how things can just suddenly stop having their effect on you when you’re facing them head on for a purpose you deem more important than your own emotions. In my case, my art is more important and so my feelings can take a back seat.

I’ve come to realize that I’m not doing as badly as I’ve been making out and I need to give myself some credit for the progress I have made, rather than berating myself because I haven’t made as many strides in progress lately.

I thought my binge eating had gone back to being out of control but really it hasn’t. Yes, there’s still a slight lack of self control but the habit has changed, how I go about it has changed.

Now binge eating is not being able to say no on a bad day when someone offers me a PIECE of chocolate or eating one myself when I wish I’d just resist.

Whereas before, binge eating was eating one candy bar…and then eating another and another and another until there weren’t any left to be eaten and I only remembered that just now.

I was sitting in the kitchen and there is this GIANT Galaxy bar on the table and I couldn’t stop myself from taking ONE square and yes I was slightly annoyed with myself, but I was in the kitchen for about two hours after and just there when I was leaving I realized the candy bar was still there and I hadn’t touched it again, nor the others left out in plain sight. I hadn’t even thought of it.

(These bars aren’t mine by the way, I live with four other people)

Despite the fact that I wasn’t doing a whole lot and I was pretty bored, food, which I’d already made contact with, hadn’t popped into my mind as a solution.

Yes, I do need to reign myself in a bit more still, but I shouldn’t be beating the tar out of myself as if I’ve completely failed.

I’d like to drop 10lbs in the next month, or at least before Christmas. Realistically if I forced myself back into the regime i had before it all went to hell, I could lose that in a month, I’ve done it before. I’m down 3lbs already since my last entry on weight lose, a couple of days ago, due to a very grueling detox.

I’ll see how my metabolism and discipline is doing in the next seven days and then decide what time frame I should give myself for this milestone.