I'm doing 38 things
Well… here I am sitting here at 1:35 in the morning. I tried to sleep. I can’t sleep. I am hurt, scared, broken, and empty. I know I wasn’t perfect, and I know I wasn’t easy to be with. I always thought I knew what I wanted, and when we talked about the feelings I had on Monday night and you said you don’t even know what you want, I was in the same boat. I knew I wanted to be with you, even if I had to wait for the life stuff to get started. It seems like we have been together a lot longer then we have and when you said tonight that this is what happens when relationships settle that’s what was happening. And it was different to me. I just felt like I was a log… a lame friend sitting there watching movies with you. I don’t know why I felt that way. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why I worried so damn much. I really did trust you. I knew you wouldn’t do anything to fuck things up. I fucked things up. I know I did. I regret it. I tried to keep my mouth shut, I tried not to say when things bugged me. I tried to let things go or to get over things. It was hard for me, and it isn’t you fault or problem it is mine. I have no excuse for the way I acted. It was just something that I had been used to in past relationships with being totally fucked over and walked on. I don’t know why it go so bad tonight, it could have been everything just building up and poof. I wasn’t trying to offend you. I have tried so hard to be okay with you being gone, and I honestly thought I was doing good. Well better. I know I made your leave a living hell, it really wasn’t something I couldn’t ignore. But you already know my reasoning behind that. I do trust you. I didn’t know you were missing all these little things, I didn’t know that you felt ignored. I just didn’t know what to do, and honestly I just backed off, a lot. I didn’t know how to make it better. I still don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know if it will ever get better. I don’t know how things are now. I don’t know if I could be just your friend, because I will always want more then that. It will hurt me to see you with someone else. It will hurt me to know you have moved on. I am in shock. I can’t believe this has happened. I know I am responsible for a big chunk of this. I won’t deny that. You weren’t wrong. You were right. It was becoming too much. All the bitching and fighting. You said that night before to love you and never let you go… but what am I supposed to do now? I want it all back. I am so sorry… just fix it.
