bbwblakebaby

I desperately want to have another child, although I can’t imagine. My son has been hinting for more then a year. And the plan was always to start trying after our son turned 5. The Problem erectile dysfunction, he says it’s stress, he says the doctor says it’s stress. I don’t trust the doctor, he’s a company doctor more interested in keeping my fiance on the road working then, he is worried about my sex life or lack there of. Not to mention He my fiance is unwilling to see a doctor other then the company doctor, mind you the man pays 600 a month 9 month out of the year, and doesn’t use it.

So here I sit with a 5 year old son who wants a sibling (younger) his father who refuses to seek help. And lets face it I don’t really have any options unless I choose to leave this relationship which is not an option.

I want to be Healthier, mentally, spiritally, and last but not least physically. I will never ever be thin and I’m okay with that but I need to be healthy for my family!! And for myself. I’ve tried before I mean truely tried it wasn’t half hearted in the least I busted my ass!! I can do it again! I think about walking why because my knees don’t work well I look at others and how they get up without a thought, something I’ve not done in years, and I envy them. Among the things my parents warned me about when gaining weight should have been, the pain, the hurt you feel when people look at you as no longer human. The pity that is almost as bad because I really screwed up and did this to myself. I tried to embrace this and say that I was still beautiful, and don’t miss understand me I am a beautiful person inside and out. I just don’t like the outer, and lets face it I have to live with me. And me hurts inside and out!!!

Though out my life I’ve had a affinity for the pilgrims, Native American history, history of any kind. I was hungry for it, hungry for history and tradition. I was Devoured Laura Ingalls Wilder books, during elementary. But what I’ve finally come to realize is the reason I was so hungry to find out about history of any type was the lack of my own. As with slavery of anything type the key to holding back a people is to take away there history, culture, and tradition and replace it with nothing! So because of this at least partially there is a lack of history, a lack of shelter to cling to from the storm. I want to know who my people were and what they did. No I’m not expecting them to be famous I just need them to be themselves and to reclaim them because they are mine. I want to be able to tell my son where he comes from. Not just what is taught during black history month there were, was, is more to my family then that and I will no them…......