beasunbeam

it was almost a year ago that my ex decided “we had become more friends than lovers”. ohhh man did this throw me into a world of shit. i had suspicions – he had recently gone to dinner with a girl from work. but i had convinced myself that he was trustworthy, and i never bothered him about it. so…a little time passes. we had a normal weekend. everything was just as it always was between us. we never really fought…our relationship was pretty much decent all around. but the last day we spent together ended with him saying what i quoted earlier. basically. then he was gone. four days later i ended up at some benefit/band show thing. there is my ex. he comes up to me, says i could say hi to him and introduces me to this girl. i immediately asked him if she was his girlfriend, and he said yes. FOUR DAYS AFTER he broke it off with me. hmmm. nice. so im a pile. im a wreck. im depressed. im heartbroken. im questioning myself. so. it has been almost a year now, and i am still deeply saddened by the loss of him. there really isnt one day that passes that i dont think about it. and now i basically just choose to be single. i cannot find interest in anyone, because i loved what i had. i know it seems absurd. but these are my feelings. and i would give anything to change them. to move on and forget about it all. but it is hard. and sometimes i feel pathetic that the whole situation still haunts me.

I once was a lady of decent weight. Eyes upon mirror, no disgust. Now…total different outcome. Quick glance, forget about it. I ignore it yet I know that I am gaining more weight that I would like to. In 2006 I birthed a lovely daughter who will be two in just days. At the moment of her birth I was 57 pounds heavier than I was before I got pregnant. Which is really irrelevant I guess because at this point…I am 38 pounds heavier than I would like to be. I cannot stand it really. But yet I do nothing to change this situation. To change this physical state that I am leaving myself in. It is as if I have given up on trying to care for my appearance anymore. I see old pictures of myself, I am jealous of that woman. The woman with the confidence, the happiness, the life…now I don’t wish to be social anymore. I am embarrassed of my appearance now – because I know how I can look, and I am just letting myself go. I dont really understand why…I never used to be this way. Lethargic. Anti-social. Unhappy. Overweight. Uhg. I just lack the motivation to better myself and my health. So…anyone have any ideas on how to get motivated to get motivated to SHED SOME POUNDAGE??

Why cannot I just do it? What is my problem? I have soooo much stuff that just hangs out, all around me. And some things I have no idea what they are, why I have kept them… Some things I have kept, JUNK is what it is, since I was in middle school. I am 23. Come on now. This again drives me toward my dream of a huge dumpster sitting in my back-yard as I throw out nearly everything. I could then sigh, and drink a cup of coffee without having to find a place to sit it without the edges being invaded by envelopes or vitamin bottles. Jesus. What is my problem. This is something I have not done. This is something I fear, that if I do not do soon, will pose a serious problem for me in respect to FREAKING THE HELL OUT!! I need organization to regain control of my mind. I swear it’s true. Anyone with reccomendations to acquiring minimalism within your home. Please tell me whats up.