went round to hers to watch a dvd. Kissed a little but she’s not interested. She’s so loveley. Actually feel in love.
Seeing a new flat on Thursday. Looks reallly nice. Hope it hasn’t been taken by the time I get there. Got all the money sorted for the deposit and everything! Will be so much happier not living with my psycho housemate/dealer. Haha… erm dreading telling her that I’m leaving. I think she will be happy but the last month will be pretty awkward. Once I’m through that though I’ll have my own place! And probably a lot more goals about not using electricity and saving money as it is kind of out of my price range :S But not thinking about that now :)
She’s so beautiful but her personality sucks. I don’t think I will get obsessed like I did with her with anyone else any time soon and probably not with the new girl.
Big chance to quit now. Have none and won’t have for 2 weeks. I’m hoping I can quit now as long as I don’t just start again when the dealer gets back. Will be hard but I feel determined to do this now.
Still thinking about her now and then but it’s not too bad. I just know I never want to see her again. That ma prove impossible but I’ll try my best. The worrying thing is that now she is gone I can feel the same thing starting to happen with someone else. I don’t want to be in that situation again. Jealousy and paranoia aren’t things I want to have in my life. I am going to try and not get emotionally involved with this girl and nip it in the bud.
She’s gone. She looked more amazing than ever today. There were a few things wrong today but all in all it wasn’t that stressful and we parted on good terms. She wants to meet up with everyone next month. I won’t go. She’s out of my life now, I won’t see her or hear from her much now which is a good thing, I might finally get over her. I’ll never forget her though. It sounds stupid but she really is the second person I’ve loved. It’s been so difficult knowing her, in that time I’ve had to get on anti-depressants just to deal with it all…so silly. She’s an amazing girl and she will go on breaking hearts and being wonderful and horrible but I won’t be there to see it. Thank god.
She’s so sexy haha and she’s quite nice when she wants to be. She would never want someone like me though, she likes bastards. I think (I hope) I have sort of come to terms with that and I am looking forward to seeing her leave. I don’t think I’ll see her much, if ever again and I think I’m ok with that. Going for drinks with a few others tomorrow. She will be flirting with other guys and not with me, will probably affect me but think I will be able to keep it together. 4 drinks max for me and try and see as little as possible at lunch. I like her but there’s no point in showing it any more.
I really need to stop getting stoned and going on ebay. I am so close to buying an original painting of a nude.
It’s a beaut.
things have been really bad the last few days. I’ve taken some time off to get away from her. We have not really been talking, she hasn’t emailed me. I emailed her, she wrote back with some kind of pointless bragging about how great her social life is. I got up the courage to ask her why, she has just text back to blame it on me.
We are talking again. She feels so distant, it feels like she is avoiding eye contact with me and things feel quite weird and unnatural. I tried to make an effort with her today and it seemed like she just wasn’t interested. She can do all the work tomorrow now, I’m sick of it. She makes me feel so shit. She knows that I like her and it feels like she’s just using me as a sort of plaything she can mess about. It’s like she loves playing with my emotions. Maybe she doesn’t even know she’s doing it and I’m being paranoid. She’s never very nice to me, in fact most of the time she is horrible. She never has a kind word to say to me. She’s just the most arrogant and selfish person I’ve ever met. I don’t even know why I like her, apart from her looks. I’m so tired of everything being all about her when I clearly mean fuck all to her. 2 weeks to go.
We ignored eachother all day again today. Pretty awkward in the lift. I sent her an email asking her for some money she owes me, she said she would bring it in tomorrow and that was the extent of us talking today. It doesn’t feel like things will get better any time soon. I want her to be the one who gives in and starts making an effort with me, but I think she is pretty strong willed and more than that she just doesn’t care. I’m not going to back down just yet though, give her a few more days. It’s all pretty silly. I’m still getting jealous and stuff, can’t wait until she’s gone. I’m waiting for her to text me about today but don’t think she will, quite tempted to text her myself but I don’t think it would do any good and I will probably regret it when she doesn’t reply.
This weekend has been a complete blur. Ran out now and going to try a few days off. Well got one left. I think the idea is to make a concrete decision and then stick to it. So that is what I’m doing, right now. As I’m smoking the last one…
Pretty long argument with her tonight. We both said some things I guess we have been wanting to say for a while. It hasn’t made anything better though, in fact I feel worse. She really is a bitch. She has such double standards. FFS. It’s clear she doesn’t like me any more, I’m not even sure if I like her any more. I’m counting down the days until she leaves now.
We made up today, for about 30 minutes, then she started arguing with me about yesterday again. Thing is it is such a minor issue and she has brought up some old stuff now. It seems like she’s trying to justify going mad over it. She called me a liar and said that she hates liars. She has really been a total bitch today. Maybe I am partly at fault but what she has done is so out of proportion. The thing is I am not really that bothered. A few months ago, weeks even, I would have been going completely mental about this but I’m not. I don’t know whether that is because she is leaving soon, or the happy pills or how much weed I’ve been smoking. either way it is a weird feeling to be ambivalent towards what has been going on between us. 15 days of her left now, I think I may be looking forward to her going now. I don’t know if she is going to try and make it up tomorrow, probably not and we will end up ignoring each other again. Then I have a few days of not seeing her so it will probably continue for a while. It could even be the end of it now and this is how it will be until she goes. I really don’t care if it is. I’ve given up on her now, I’ve been starting to think that she isn’t really a good person. She is always falling out with people and can be an absolute bitch.
I’m worried about what things will be like when she’s gone. I think they will be better but I will start to miss her after a while. I’m glad she won’t really be in my life any more though, I’ll be able to get over her and move on. I’m scared about her leaving party, not sure if I will even go. She is just amazing, and utterley awful.
Fell out with her today. She called me socially inept. She’d already said in a “jokey” way, I don’t like you, I’ve never liked you. Hilarious. She ignored me for a bit, then came round and I ignored her. Quite silly really. Then I said bye, she didn’t make eye contact and said bye in a kind of arsey way. I tutted, don’t know if she heard. Waiting for her to text me now. I think she should apologise for being a bitch. I think I am waiting in vain.
I’m a bit scared about the amount of weed I’ve been smoking. Others have noticed it is excessive :/
Night off tonight, not by choice. Will probably struggle to get to sleep and have a pretty depressing night lying awake thinking about things. If I could go a few days I might have a chance of quitting. I still feel like it is imperative that I quit but my life is so miserable and boring that it just makes me want to smoke. Things really are shit. I’ve got no money, no girlfriend, I live with someone who doesn’t like me and I hate my job. Good times.
She’s leaving. When she told me I felt like I was going mental. It will be weird to not have her in my life that much anymore. I want to try and avoid her leaving drinks as I think she will be getting really wrecked and trying it on with the others and I really can’t handle that. I’ll make up some excuse for why I can’t go. I guess it is a good thing as I will finally be able to get over her. I don’t know what things will be like without her though. I will have no one to obsess over. It is probably going to be a pretty horrible time from now until when she leaves. I think that I love her really even though she can be a bitch and a slag. She’s just pretty amazing and just knows how to push my buttons.