i feel like oatmeal 2night…why? Around me i was surrounded by people who freely spoke from their heart, i felt like a smiling empty shell that contributed nothing because im not really connected to that passion….i won’t allow myself to be
beccaboo77's Life List
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1. live every day in honour of God
1 person -
2. become an amazing person to be with
1 person -
3. learn tantric
6 people -
4. learn burlesque
32 people -
5. learn bellydance
5 people -
6. learn how to massage
1 cheer93 people -
7. start a home business
42 people -
8. buy a second home
21 people -
9. move house
141 people -
10. write a book
26,018 people -
11. complete my masters
37 people -
12. start thinking!
1 entry2 people -
13. Trust in God's plans for me
42 people -
14. Know the key achievement objective for the day and achieve it.
4 people -
15. The body is a gift and a piece of art; present it that way by taking care of it and feeling beautiful.
5 people -
16. understand life at a higher level
1 entry1 person -
17. learn counselling/supporting skills
1 person -
18. become an activist/role model
1 person -
19. become accomplished
2 people -
20. become sophisticated
3 people -
21. learn more about God
1 entry29 people -
22. be more joyful
21 people -
23. start a dancing class
1 person -
24. live my best self
1 entry1 person -
25. be more expressive
2 entries33 people -
26. learn to be bold and strong
2 entries1 person -
27. make my own clothes
1 cheer2,195 people -
28. learn to speak eloquently
2 entries1 person -
29. work on my emotional intelligence
4 entries2 people -
30. overcome procrastination
241 people -
31. stop looking to others for reassurance of my decisions
1 entry90 people -
32. make more money pronto!
1 person -
33. lose a stone
356 people -
34. write thank you notes
155 people -
35. learn/buy violin
1 person -
36. buy a piano
217 people -
37. re-learn the piano
243 people -
38. learn more about artists
2 people -
39. become organised
46 people -
40. learn photography
1 cheer2,644 people -
41. learn how to be a better friend
1 cheer7 people -
42. learn spanish and italian
35 people -
43. find my passion(s)
16 people
will never be learned until I actually believe I’m worthy of them?
I want to elevate so, so much but my strategy is flawed by the consuming belief that I am beyond help. For all the momentary drive I summon, it is challenged and defeated every time by the belief that I’m not worthy of success in any form, so I unconsciously sabotage myself to continue the belief cycle. I realise that I have created this situation I’m in, that a part of me is seeking this situation to continue. This just makes me feel worse. It doesn’t tackle the credibility of the belief that I’m not worthy of success/beyond help. I just can’t rationalise myself into believing it. There are things I want to do in life, but it feels like it’s slipping out of my grasp because i was never worthy enough in the first place. I don’t know how to move my head out of this…and nothing will change until I do.
Someone very wise asked me a while ago, if I was willing to sit with the pain. I have flitted into it, rationalised it wouldn’t change anything when it got too hard, and closed it off again to stumble on. I haven’t felt comfortable enough to open up to my christian friends because i know self-hatred is a sin, and I can’t bear their disapproval so I keep quiet.
why do I hate myself? It’s not the worldly success I seek, although comfort would be nice. It’s the feeling that I’m failing at being myself, not being successful in the things I feel passionate about, that make me who I am. Yes, I want success, but success in being myself. Since I have expended most of my energy placating others, I neither had the energy to be myself or define who that was/is.
