beccaboo77

i feel like oatmeal 2night…why? Around me i was surrounded by people who freely spoke from their heart, i felt like a smiling empty shell that contributed nothing because im not really connected to that passion….i won’t allow myself to be

will never be learned until I actually believe I’m worthy of them?
I want to elevate so, so much but my strategy is flawed by the consuming belief that I am beyond help. For all the momentary drive I summon, it is challenged and defeated every time by the belief that I’m not worthy of success in any form, so I unconsciously sabotage myself to continue the belief cycle. I realise that I have created this situation I’m in, that a part of me is seeking this situation to continue. This just makes me feel worse. It doesn’t tackle the credibility of the belief that I’m not worthy of success/beyond help. I just can’t rationalise myself into believing it. There are things I want to do in life, but it feels like it’s slipping out of my grasp because i was never worthy enough in the first place. I don’t know how to move my head out of this…and nothing will change until I do.
Someone very wise asked me a while ago, if I was willing to sit with the pain. I have flitted into it, rationalised it wouldn’t change anything when it got too hard, and closed it off again to stumble on. I haven’t felt comfortable enough to open up to my christian friends because i know self-hatred is a sin, and I can’t bear their disapproval so I keep quiet.
why do I hate myself? It’s not the worldly success I seek, although comfort would be nice. It’s the feeling that I’m failing at being myself, not being successful in the things I feel passionate about, that make me who I am. Yes, I want success, but success in being myself. Since I have expended most of my energy placating others, I neither had the energy to be myself or define who that was/is.

i think a huge amount of my energy is expended on ‘the other’, so much so that I have nothing left for me. I feel drained and lifeless yet, if I chose to derive my self-esteem from the acceptance of others, it makes sense that I would need to expend a huge amount to please everyone I met. I really need to find that balance, without going too far in the other direction that I push other’s away. I kind of do that already because I’m so sure they won’t like what they find so I feel I need to placate them just to make sure they ‘hang around’. How rubbish is that? It’s a totally false dynamic. I guess that’s why I’m at pains to placate, it’s the only level of ‘friendship’ I can handle? I obviously set it up this way because it gives me the payoff of being able to convince myself that I have lots of friends without the intimacy that would allow them to see my flaws. So lots of people like me, few actually know me and it isn’t working for me anymore. To let people in, I would have to be genuinely proud of who I am, and I’m not. Even “christian’ people I have met, form opinions. In their defence, they are only observing reality and God seeks truth. It’s not the ‘truth’ that I’m actually concerned about because I know my flaws pretty well by now, it’s the total lack of acceptance and ostracis(ation?) I naturally feel they will respond with. I don’t accept myself at all and I expect other’s won’t either, so for them to see deeper into who I am, it would only be all the more harrowing to feel their wrath. My lack of acceptance goes really deep and I would feel their inner belief to ‘get a grip’ of myself in an annoyed tone would only serve me to dig deeper into myself. They would say that it’s my lack of faith in God but I just can’t bring myself to self-acceptance even though I do believe in God. I believe I have failed myself, my family, my friends, my community and ultimately God. I can’t believe that God would love someone so flawed.