i worry a lot. i find it interesting when people say i seem calm or relaxed. yeah, not if you heard my pulse or felt my muscles. my natural inclination is to feel anxiety. if i’m afraid, i’m anxious. if i’m sad, i’m anxious. if i’m excited, i’m anxious….well you get the picture. that’s what xanax is for though, right? ha, seriously though, that stuff works. but if i’m going to be a responsible person, and not someone dependant on drugs, then i need to figure out a way to internally(meaning, psychologically/spiritually) resolve this issue. so what do i worry about you ask? well let’s see…..there’s the day to day, what if i didn’t study enough and didn’t get an A, what if i mess up this person’s order, what if i get into an accident and crash my new car…..then there’s the social, what if i say something stupid, what if these people don’t like me, what if i look weird…...then there’s the fear of losing tolland, my parents, kali…what would i do with my life….and the fear of the future, what if i don’t get into grad school or become successful, what if i get pregnant…..to the deeper insecurities, what if i’m not a good enough wife, what if tolland cheats on me, what if i never live up to anyone’s expectations and they all leave…....it’s exhausting just writing it, but these thoughts, and many more rush through my head by the second really, whether it’s conscious or not…...when i was little i used to imagine terrible things…...i thought that maybe if i imagined my parents dying, or my dog being hit by a car, or my friends ditching me then it couldn’t happen. cuz if it happened i’d be psychic, but i’m not psychic so i was mentally preventing it…..yes that’s silly because now i’ve created this habit that doesn’t prevent pain, but causes it unnecessarily. imagine the person closest to you dying…....you feel that! it’s not real and the real pain is probably much worse but you still feel it. your breathing gets more rapid, you start to tear up, your throat starts to close…..i do this TO MYSELF every day. it’s actually kinda sick if you think about it. almost massochistic. but that’s another journal entry:) the thing is, i don’t know how to stop and i really don’t know the core of it. i can guess. i have a feeling it’s a habit developed at a young age coinsiding with my insecurity that i’m not worthy of what i have so i fear that at any moment it will all be taken away. i think it’s because of being adopted but i’m not really sure. and even if i did know for sure, what can be done about it? all i know is i have to realize, and i think practice will make….well better at least, but i have to realize that right now, in this moment, i’m ok. everyone i love is here and they love me back. even if i do look stupid or people don’t like me, i’m provided for, i’m loved, i’m healthy, and in the end…...i have NOTHING to worry about.
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two semesters ago i had quite a busy schedule. i took 5 classes….two art history, two studio and gallery. i got straight As that semester. i studied like a mad woman in my art history classes, did every project, plus was curator for the spring senior show in gallery AND somehow found the time to make meaningful artwork in my two studio classes. no but seriously, i got so much done that semester i don’t even remember how i did it. my brain was just chalked full of inspiration and the work i produced in that period was by far my best, most impressive meaningful work. don’t get me wrong, it’s not gonna be sold in some high end gallery, but for me, it was extremely productive. i would spend extra hours outside of the lab time. for my final ceramics project i spent 20 hours in class as well as 20-25 outside. on ONE project! and guess what, it turned out to be amazing. way beyong what i expected of myself…..this was the time i made ‘power plant’ and ‘power plant 2’, ‘silence’, and did all my leaf and nature monoprints and of course, the infamous ‘death by sushi’. if anyone’s reading this, these probably mean nothing to you, but you have to understand, not only did these pieces turn out well aesthetically but they had a purpose and a message. they’re complex in their ideas and my thinking, but simple and easy to understand by a viewer. i mean, it’s really hard to explain….i’ve made artwork and thought nothing of it. literally, i’ve forgotten about some of my pieces. i could throw it away, i don’t even care. but not this work. no. these pieces are a part of me. more so than any of my other work. but now…...i’m like a dried up river. before the ideas flowed, well, like a river, and now there’s a drought. i’m uninspired…..i could make a bunch of work similar to what i did a couple of semesters ago, but somehow i feel like that’s cheating….it’s not fresh or original, and though nothing truly is, that period of my work was as close as it gets in a postmodern time. i mean, it was truly inspired by something within…...the only other time i remember creating something with that much power and meaning was my first semester on “what happens when the heart just stops”......i want that again. i want the desire to create something so badly it’s all i think or dream or envision…...like an itch that can’t be scratched until exactly what i’m thinking has been recorded in art form. i’m not sure what i need to find that inspiration again, but i miss it and i want it…...
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so i’m not trying to dumb him down or anything, but like most men, my husband is pretty simple. what i mean is he enjoys very simple things and it doesn’t take too much to make him happy. not that he doesn’t expect much from me…no…he has very high standards actually, which i appreciate. but his requests are not abstract or idea based(like a lot of mine:) for instance, he loves when i have nails, like acrylic nails. i’m not a huge fan, but i know that he likes how they look, they keep me from biting my actual nails, and he loves head scratches and of course they feel so much better with fake nails…..so i’m getting them put on today. how simple is that? my husband likes when i take care of myself in general, and to be honest, it really benefits me the most in the long run so why not? i think in essence he wants me to take pride in my things, myself and him. i think if i concentrated on that every day, he would be the happiest man alive. he likes when the house is picked up because it shows that i appreciate where we live. he likes when my car is clean because it shows that i’m proud to drive the car he bought me. he likes when i feel sexy and confident because it shows that i like myself and it’s a turn on for him. so things like going to the gym(which is his favorite past time anyway) being active, eating well, getting my hair done….these are all things that say, “i take pride in myself and i want you to be proud of me too because i deserve it!” he loves that. and even though i don’t fully understand it, i know it to be true and i’m really determined to do that for him because i love him more than anything in the world!
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