bettrstill

My dearest Kodak Z650,
You inspire excitement previously unknown to me whenever I glimpse your lens extending… and I delight in the sounds you emit at the slightest touch of my fingertip. I could spend hours making you dilate, saturate and shu(tt)er… Ours is a fertile union, able of producing a thousand pixelated progenies—each of them bearing the genes of your filter and resolution, but they have my eyes…

Am I the only person in the whole big, bad world who didn’t know about THIS?

The whole thing’s such a shock to me (har). Here I was picturing Thomas Edison as some kindly ole gentleman, hunched over a work table strewn with burnt filaments and complicated diagrams. Turns out that the table was really strewn with the still-sizzling carcasses (carci) of electrocuted dogs and cats and ELEPHANTS. Ok, it was just one elephant…that we know of. Did anyone ever dig around in his crawl space after he finally kicked off? It’s really not much of a jump from cats/dogs/elephants to young, naked boys and a bit of muriatic acid. Just ask Mr. Dahmer.

In his lifetime, Thomas Edison held 1,093 patents. The kinetograph, kinetoscope and film projector were just three of them – Edison’s primitive versions of motion picture camera/viewing equipment. Now, by combining these specific inventions with a few of his other “scientific interests”, I’d be willing to bet a heap of smouldering flesh that he also invented the first snuff film.

Thomas Alva Edison: America’s sick fuck for science.

At http://phallus.is, the museum offers an online catalog of all the penii they currently have on display. Once I scrolled through the listings of various whales, bears, seals and land mammals, I came to the curious heading of “Folklore Section (Pars Folklorica Islandica):”

Um….

Among the listings found there:

%{color:red}ICELANDIC ELF / HIDDEN MANHomo sapiens Obscurus
a) Middle aged. 1989. In pure arctic water.%
(an elfin penis? Yeah, I think I’ve seen one or two of those…)

SEA-HOWLERHomo maritimus Antiquus. An Icelandic sea monster. Late 17th century. (“My fellow crewmen! Our odd catch of the day appears to be some sort of sea monster…here, help me off with its penis, I wanna save that.”)

TROLLHomo gigantus Islandicus. Young boy, thoroughly petrified. Found in N-Iceland in 1941.(No kidding he’s thoroughly petrified, you hacked off his dick! Har har.)

%{color:red}ENRICHING BEACH MOUSEMus litoris Locupletatus. Penis bone.
A mouse that draws money from the sea to enrich her owner. Found on the south coast in November 1993.% (Oh. THAT kind of enriching. I thought perhaps it was fortified with niacin.)

%{color:red}BEACH-MURMURERHomo unipes, unimanus et luscus Maritimus.
Found on the island of Saurlátur in Breiðafjörður in late 18th century. One legged, one armed and one eyed human monster who tried to push people into the sea and kill them there.% (I bet they never asked for his side of the story. Maybe those people he tried to kill were harvesters who worked for the Phallological Museum… c’mon – he only had one leg, one arm and one eye left, he wasn’t about to give up his only remaining pleasure without one HELL of a fight.)

ICELANDIC CHRISTMAS LADHomo natalicus Islandicus. Possibly named Giljagaur / Litlipungur / Dúðadurtur / Flórsleikir. Found deceased at the foot of Esja Mountain near Reykjavík on January 6th 1985. Presented to RÍS-HÍR by a former Mayor of Reykjavík on January 6th 2000.(Oh my god, they’ve harvested Santa’s schlong!)