bewa

I know it’s been a long long time since i last wrote an entry. so basically this is what’s happened since my last entry: i was doing pretty well. i thought i was pretty much over him and that i was okay with everything that had happened and i was ready to let go of the past. until me and some friends (including him) went to the beach for a couple of weeks, a trip which we had planned last year. There, i was completely fine with living in the same house as him for 2 weeks, until he suddenly realised he still had feelings for me started flirting again. At first i was so confused. i had no idea what to do. He told Gina (who was also there) that he still had feelings for me and Gina told me. This made me so unbelievably happy in a way, but Gina warned me that when we get back he will just hook up with other girls and hurt me again. I chose not to listen. so i went along with it and we made out a couple of times while we were there. when we came back home, the same day he had a date with this new girl that had just moved here. They hooked up. And we stopped talking. I was back where i started from. i could not concentrate, i could not stop crying, i missed him so much but couldnt tell him. Every once in a while he would talk to me a bit and flirt, and once he came over to say hi to a friend he hadnt seen in a long time that was staying at mine and we were flirting like crazy and there was touching and stuff.. but then he stoped talking to me again. i was so confused. i fell into depression, would not work, would not do anything. this went on for a while until i realised that i don’t need him. the only thing he does is hurt me and use me. I can’t be mad at him, i knew what i was getting into at the beach. But i can’t keep hanging on to something that’s clearly not there, and it’s hurting me. So i’m not over him, and to be honest, i don’t think i ever will be. But i’m fine with that and i accept that and i think that is a stage. i don’t think about him constantly anymore and i think that’s partially because ive started doing things to keep busy, and volunteering for things like taking care of homeless dogs, help build houses in cambodia etc. And he is moving to south africa in a few weeks, and yes sure i will miss him like hell and it’ll probably be hard for the first few weeks, but it will help me so much to let go and just be happy again. But until then, i dont know, i guess ive just learnt to live with it, and that’s enough. I don’t know if i should put this as ‘done’ because in a way, it is done. ive reached a level in which i am completely comfortable with the situation i am in, and i accept the fact that i will always kind of have feelings for him. And i think i’m happy again. But also, i’m not exactly over over over him. so i don’t know what i should do…

It hurts so much to see that he’s moving on so quickly and easily. I thought i was way past the whole crying phase but then Gina told me he’d been flirting with this girl he met and he’s planning to get with her tonight.. and that just teared me apart and made me realise im NOWHERE near done crying. I dont know what to do. I was supposed to go out tonight but i dont think i will.. he will probably be there and i dont want to witness how he makes out with a bunch of people again. So im just staying home alone which means i wont be able to keep it together and i will start crying again. I dont want to cry. I just want to get over him. This is so unfair. Why is god treating me like this? what have i done to deserve this? It gets harder and harder everyday. I dont know what to do. I just want this to end soon. ):

but i guess im wrong. i mean ive realised there are other guys out there other than him.. BETTER guys. but it’s just i dont SEE me with any other guy. i can only see me with HIM. i miss him. i think im past the point where i think about him all the time. i love him a little less than before. but then i see him with all those.. sluts. and it tears me apart. i dont want him to be with them… i want him to be with ME. and i think he still cares about me and that makes it even harder. People tell me how i deserve so much better than him, how he is a jerk and a dick and an asshole. And i think about it, and they’re right. He IS a dick and a jerk and an asshole. But even knowing that, i still love him, which makes me think that we are meant to be and that just makes it sooo much harder.
im so confused right now, all i know is i miss him terribly still. But i also know that i am done crying for him. I AM DONE.
And maybe i will never get over him. but that’s okay. cause as my favorite quote says:
its hard to get over people, i mean really get over them. you can start to develope feelings for other people. but it doesnt mean your over them. it just means your moving on.