bewa

this is so hard i don’t think i’m going to pass math this year or next year for that matter, since it’s basically the same course. I don’t even like maths but i think that if i pass it, it will make me feel really proud and good about myself. I don’t mind if i pass it with a C. I just want to pass it. I started working really hard after christmas because i was determined to pass but then i got a D on my test and gave up again. I don’t want one test result to make me back down and give up again. All I need is a bit more time. But i can’t stop trying. I can do this.

someone please help? I am moving away soon and I know that I probably won’t see my friends until maybe summer of 2011 and probably not even then. I want to make them a goodbye gift, like a scrapbook or something but I wanted something a bit more original… I just can’t come up with anything.

I know it’s been a long long time since i last wrote an entry. so basically this is what’s happened since my last entry: i was doing pretty well. i thought i was pretty much over him and that i was okay with everything that had happened and i was ready to let go of the past. until me and some friends (including him) went to the beach for a couple of weeks, a trip which we had planned last year. There, i was completely fine with living in the same house as him for 2 weeks, until he suddenly realised he still had feelings for me started flirting again. At first i was so confused. i had no idea what to do. He told Gina (who was also there) that he still had feelings for me and Gina told me. This made me so unbelievably happy in a way, but Gina warned me that when we get back he will just hook up with other girls and hurt me again. I chose not to listen. so i went along with it and we made out a couple of times while we were there. when we came back home, the same day he had a date with this new girl that had just moved here. They hooked up. And we stopped talking. I was back where i started from. i could not concentrate, i could not stop crying, i missed him so much but couldnt tell him. Every once in a while he would talk to me a bit and flirt, and once he came over to say hi to a friend he hadnt seen in a long time that was staying at mine and we were flirting like crazy and there was touching and stuff.. but then he stoped talking to me again. i was so confused. i fell into depression, would not work, would not do anything. this went on for a while until i realised that i don’t need him. the only thing he does is hurt me and use me. I can’t be mad at him, i knew what i was getting into at the beach. But i can’t keep hanging on to something that’s clearly not there, and it’s hurting me. So i’m not over him, and to be honest, i don’t think i ever will be. But i’m fine with that and i accept that and i think that is a stage. i don’t think about him constantly anymore and i think that’s partially because ive started doing things to keep busy, and volunteering for things like taking care of homeless dogs, help build houses in cambodia etc. And he is moving to south africa in a few weeks, and yes sure i will miss him like hell and it’ll probably be hard for the first few weeks, but it will help me so much to let go and just be happy again. But until then, i dont know, i guess ive just learnt to live with it, and that’s enough. I don’t know if i should put this as ‘done’ because in a way, it is done. ive reached a level in which i am completely comfortable with the situation i am in, and i accept the fact that i will always kind of have feelings for him. And i think i’m happy again. But also, i’m not exactly over over over him. so i don’t know what i should do…