bigchristoph

Right now I am tired, angry, still having crazy nightmares about losing my exgirlfriend of 4yrs,.. 2 months on, lonely, frustrated and anxious I wont achieve my goals and be a total loser all my life, but above all, missing a boost from someone I respect. My self esteem has never been this low, It’s crazy. It’s like I finaly let someone in and they exposed all my weaknesses, giving me one hell of a kick up the arse, this started a chain reaction of intense self loathing. I don’t know where to begin picking up the pices or which ones to pick up first. I thought I had so much potential, but I took a massive step back, now I feel like i’m back at the begining. I know I’m supposed to be trying to be happy but it’s not always easy, I know tommorow I’ll prob feel better. I am a really strong person and I have been in similar situations before and It turned out to be really good. I just can’t help feeling I really messed up big time on this one and i’ll never be happy. This sounds really morbid I know but I can’t just turn these feelings off like a tap. I don’t know. I suppose If I write this down at least it’s a reminder of where Iv’e been. Any one got any suggestions, or just a similar experience. No lectures tho please.

I should be listing these shouldn’t I?

1) a good turn of phrase
2)being inspired
3)the catharsis of being on stage
4)sex anywhere, I’m a pest
5)a jolly good read
6)a good film, and i mean good.
7)travelling
8)the stars at night, preferably a good clear night, with good company
9)the underdog winning
10)giving and receiving praise
11)truely good honest people

I have wanted to be an actor since I was knee high lol, I just cringe at writing that it’s such a cliche. Anyway I put it down on my goal list cos it’s what I want to do. I’m 27 now Ive done youth theatre, Amateur, corporate film, student film, I have a degree in drama, and have surrently started some more acting lessons at a reputable acting school. Iv’e had four attempts at drama school and failed, I read like a man posessed to get more plays under my belt. And am just enchanted and am passionate about performance, and it’s possibilities. I am giving it another year to arm my self to the teeth and have another assault at drama school or see if any glimmer of light shows it’s bloody face. Then i’ll probably do the sensible thing and reluctantly go down the teaching route. For all those who have this goal, and are still young, save yourselves it’s a nightmare. No really, if it’s in your heart then go for it, just don’t chase the fools gold. fame, oscars, awards, recognition. It’s all balls, do it for the craft, the vision, read new writing go to the theatre, support your fellow struggling artists, learn as much as you can, listen to interviews and ignore a lot all the tosh! I don’t want to sound patronising, because I’ve really got no grounds to stand on but hey if your not in it for the love, then your gonna be pretty let down when the realisation hits ya.