Russ Jones

It’s been a while since I updated this, I couldn’t be bothered really, which probably sums things up at the moment.

I cannot seem to let things go, I cannot seem to avoid letting things bother me. I’m constantly angry, frustrated, disappointed, defeated, and I don’t know what to do.

I told Bev that if I had my time again I wouldn’t have children, she went off on one a bit but she didn’t really understand what I meant. I love my children, I actually do, but I can’t seem to do a good job of being there Dad.

I feel like I have 3 options;

1. I keep trying really hard, feiling, feeling angry and sad and a failure and making my kids life poor, which is what I’m doing at the moment.
2. Leave and start a new life distancing myself drom them so I can minimise the damage I do
3. I say ‘f&k it’ and just get on with my life, doing what I want to do and let them do what they want to do

I like 3 the best, it means I am true to myself and do what I want, instead of what I think I should be doing, I should be happy as I’m being what I want to be doing.
Everyone around me can do what they like and react how they like, I’ll keep doing what I do and if they don’t like it they can change their behaviour around me.
If Bethany doesn’t like how I speak to her, tough, she needs to shout at me less then.
If Bev doesn’t like the way I do something, tough, she can tell me ‘this isn’t who I am’ all she likes, but I know what goes on in my head better than she does.

So my new life philosophy is,
‘Fck ‘em, f*ck ‘em all. I’ll do what I like, when I like, and if anyone doesn’t like it, that’s their problem!

who love me no matter what I do who how much of a prick I am.

The more I work at this, the worse I seem to get. This weekens I went totally postal over as computer.

My laptop is broken and I’m using a totally rubbish old one which won’t allow me to do very much at all. I was struggling to do some simple things with it got totally frustrated, went off on one, put the lid down and started thumping the ferking thing.

I then stormed off to the cupboard under the stairs looking for something, came accross Bevs card making stuff and decided to rant about homw much room they were taking, and how she never does it anyway so might as well get rid of it.

Bev then spent the next hour crying and packing stuff up to give to her friend because she didn’t want to hurt me.

Jesus, I am such a prick, why does she put up with me?

But today I’m back to trying to train my mind with the Four Agreements. I feel like a right bastard because the people who love me keep forgiving me even though I treat them like shit.

My family are wonderful people.