bitesizedonut

Well, I just finished a (very hard) first year of nursing school. I have one more to go before I get my Associates in Nursing and before I can sit for the NCLEX. I have already had twelve clinical experiences – all of them rewarding in their own way, even when I had a patient who was more than I could handle. I’ve seen and touched a dead person for the first time, performed postmortem care, and consoled their family afterwards. I’ve treated MRSA and VRE patients, and I feel that even in my twelve days of clinical experience, I have seen more than many people who will never set foot in the medical field. This is what I want to do, and I’m so close. I know I can do it – though sometimes I lose sight of the goal and why I’m reaching for it… though sometimes it all seems to difficult, I’m halfway there.

I think after I get my associates I’m going to take a break from school (and when I say break, I mean a break from being a full time student)... I plan on starting work and taking Chem I and II in Fall and spring… just to sort of give myself breathing room (financially and emotionally/mentally) until I have to jump into the bachelor’s program.

I find myself more and more tired as I go through nursing school, but it’s worth it.

Well… today was fantastic for this goal. So far I’ve managed to break a towel bar in my ON CAMPUS apartment. T_T

Spill all the contents of my purse

Trip a couple of times

Flood the kitchen (don’t ask)

bite my tongue so hard I broke skin

and I spilled water all over myself in a public restaraunt

YAY! _

(a couple of days ago I fell ^up the stairs again… don’t ask me how you fall up, but I’m clumsy enough to manage it).

I know this is a goal that will stay up here, why? Because of the way I’ve worded it. Since I said “never hurt myself again” instead of “conquer my needs to SI,” I will forever have this on my list of things to do – but you know what? That’s perfectly a-okay with me and wonderfully symbolic to boot. This is an ongoing endeavour of mine. So far I’ve made it eight months.

It seems, I just don’t feel any urges to do it any more. I don’t like hurting. I don’t like making things hard on myself. I don’t like not having power over my own life. I don’t like being emo. And really, I find there is no reason – not a single reason or pain or hurt in the world for any one to be mutilating themselves to badly.

Hate will never cure hate. Love will always win in the battle of good and evil. Learning to love has helped me above all else. To love and to forgive – myself, my parents, my past, and others.