Darth Goalie

At least for now. My goal was to complete my 15-minute aerobic/pilates DVD workout 3 times last week but I only did it twice. Though I didn’t meet my goal, surprisingly, I’m happy about my progress. I tried, and that’s good enough. Thinking this way is also progress: I’m not beating myself up about not reaching my goal.

Since mid- to late-August, I’ve been pushing myself, driving myself places such as shopping for Brian’s birthday presents and a series of dentist appointments—even unexpected ones. I started therapy again and have been taking the El to get there, and that includes about 20 minutes of walking, round trip.

I still have a few dentist appointments coming up including a root canal, which I’ve never had done before. I’ve been putting off seeing my family doctor about this skin discoloration on my right shin, which begins at the cortisone injection site from when I sprained my ankle last spring. Now, the site stings and it looks like a rash has developed so I can’t put that appointment off any longer. I also have a flu screening coming up as well as my regular pdoc and therapy appointments. And I’m planning to drive myself or take the El on my own to most of these.

On top of that, there was the road trip to Columbus, my blog was hacked this past weekend, and all of the other small stresses that add up to a ton of stress, not all of it bad, I’ve been getting out more socially. Yesterday, for example, I had a really good day. We went to a belated birthday brunch for Brian, and although my sister and brother-in-law couldn’t make it, we had a really good time with my mom.

Today, however, I’m completely overwhelmed. I made myself get out of bed and do my morning chores. I made myself shower and get dressed. But these basic things have been harder and harder to do since we got back from Columbus. The good thing is that I’ve recognized that I’m pushing myself to do more and more things—pushing myself too hard, which is a cycle I’ve been through in the past and always ends up with me falling flat on my face and unable to get out of bed for days or weeks.

The good thing is that I saw this and am cutting back to only 2 of these health appointments a week. Earlier today I thought I had finally fallen and was back at square one yet again, but I’m just having a bad day. Yes, I was on my way back to the beginning but the fact that I’ve seen this and am not going to continue pushing myself is progress. Working out will just have to wait.

I’ve never written about this but I have food issues. I use food as a reward system for myself when I’m making steps towards my recovery. I use other things, too, but food is a big one. I tend to choose foods that are bad for me like ice cream, which exacerbates my IBS. But then I can’t stop. I keep eating more and more ice cream (most recently a Good Humor Drumstick Cone) each day, sometimes twice a day, knowing the effects it’ll have on me.

Other times I use food (again, something bad for me that exacerbates the IBS) to make myself feel better. Oh, I’m depressed because of (insert reason here, i.e. because I have bipolar; because I have IBS; because I’m on disability; because I’m PMSing; or just because). I should get to have half a pint of Nestle Drumstick Cone ice cream because that’ll make me feel better, never mind the consequences. Hmm…I still feel depressed. I’ll just eat the rest of that pint…. Now I feel depressed because I ate ice cream when I know very well it isn’t good for me. So I’ll have some more. I know Brian stashed an extra pint in the freezer somewhere.

And yet other times, I use food to reward myself for having not eaten it! Well, I haven’t had ice cream in a whole week, so I should get to have some. I’ll just have a quarter of a pint. But that usually ends up being the whole pint. It’s like this excerpt from Carrie Fisher’s Postcards From the Edge:

“That’s it, I’ve quit. This time I’ve really quit. I’m not doing cocaine anymore. If someone came up and offered me cocaine I wouldn’t do it….

“My first party without drugs. Interesting…. I wonder if anyone here even has any cocaine. That guy Steve looks like he might, he usually has some. I loathe that guy, but he always has great cocaine….

“But this is the new me. I’m totally on a health kick. I have not taken cocaine in four days. I don’t even like it anymore. I never really did like it, I just did it ‘cause it was around. And I don’t think I was really heavy into it, not like Steve over there….

”’Hi, Steve, how ya doin’? Yeah, yeah. I’m fine…. You seem very up. No, I’m…I’m not doing any right now. I’ve quit…. No, I’m serious…. I’m absolutely committed to this.

”’No, I don’t think I had a problem. It’s just that my nose started…I don’t know. I’ll probably end up still doing a little bit every so often, you know. Not right now. Maybe…well, like, maybe…. All right, maybe like a hit, but that’s[...] it, though.’”

And of course the guy ends up in rehab after ODing on coke and a bunch of other drugs. He even has a secret stash at home, like I do with my ice cream, candy bars, etc.! Ice cream is not even in the same ball park as cocaine, but once upon a time, for me, it was alcohol and cocaine and other drugs instead of ice cream. The problem with ice cream is that not only is it legal, it’s food. For me, it almost doesn’t matter what it is. It’s the patterns of thinking that I need to change. * sigh * This is going to be a long road.

After not having exercised in 165 days according to my Wii Fit, I did this 15-minute pilates DVD workout that also includes some aerobic stuff. God, I completely forgot how core-heavy pilates is. I barely made it through those exercises. But for now I want to improve my cardio condition, however slightly, and regain my flexibility. High blood pressure runs in my family and now that I’m 40 I’m starting to get worried.

My goal for this week is to do this workout 3 days this week. No, it doesn’t compare to my nearly 1-hour cardio workouts and 1/2 hour stretching exercises from the past, but I have to start somewhere. Even back then when I started, I could barely do 10 minutes on the treadmill at a less-than-moderate pace.

Although last time my goal was to lose 15 lbs., I actually lost a lot more and was skimming 110 lbs., which for me, at 5’1”, is underweight. Unless of course I was a Hollywood starlet, in which case it would’ve been 10 lbs. overweight. Heehee.

Also according to my Wii Fit, my BMI index puts me into the overweight range. Though I am not obese, I still have a ways to go to reach 115 lbs., which my doctor said I should be.

Am I undermining myself by having bought 3 king-size Reese’s bars for $3 at Walgreens? And an Oreo brownie for 99 cents? Perhaps. Obviously I’m not ready to change my diet, but as long as I’m getting physical activity, it’s something. I need to remember to give myself credit for that.

Today I not only left my apartment by myself, I took the el downtown - by myself - to have lunch with Brian. It was easier than I expected, even leaving the house, but the cleaning lady was here and that always motivates me to get out.

Our stop is near the end of our end of the line so it was pretty empty when I got on, which it would be anyway at that time of day. As we got to the trendy/more populated neighborhoods the train started filling up to the point where people had to stand. I started feeling an anxiety attack coming on, but thankfully it didn’t. I just kept looking at the sights out the window.

Since today’s Earth Day, I decided to take the el to buy cat food. OK, to be honest, I just didn’t feel like driving, and it’s such a gorgeous day out and my ankle was fine enough to walk the 4 blocks to the el stop and back.

As for taking the el on a regular basis, well, we’ll see. I was just annoyed that my old fare card expired. There was at least $10 on it, too!

Wondering what’s up with all of the above-mentioned reviews on my blog? Well, I’m finally making progress on cataloguing my Star Wars Expanded Universe books and comics! Don’t forget DVDs, video games, and LEGOs. You can view the catalogue on my Listal site and see the reviews there, too. Oh, and on the iRead book application in Crackbook.

OK, so I’m only up to TPM, but that’s because I’m also reading everything as I go! ECT has made me forget a lot of what’s happened in the EU, so I figured I’d give myself an update. I’m pretty good with the OT, though. Uh, yeah.

Well, while backing up my computer, which took for-fucking-ever, I finally finished building my LEGO A-Wing (in between reading HP2). Now it’s stored in a Zip-Loc baggie ‘til we can find a decent glass display case for my Star Wars LEGO collection.

We learned the hard way at our old apartment that just keeping them on bookshelves and stuff does not keep them safe from cats or even worse (I think), dust!

I think I’ll start a SW LEGO album on my Flickr, just don’t know when yet. This is the only picture so far that uploaded from Brian’s phone since we have such God-awful reception at home. :(

We never had a wedding; we had to get married at City Hall and we only had a week to decide. My student health insurance was about to expire, and I was scheduled for surgery the following week.

Anyway, we couldn’t afford rings at the time. Today we can. And it’s also our fourth anniversary. :)

Because of my recent ECT, I can’t remember what, if anything, has happened since my last post seven weeks ago. I do remember having to fill out another SSDI Evaluation, which I never did. Then I was supposed to see one of their doctors again, though that could have been for SSI. It just so happened that I was having inpatient ECT at the time, so they decided that I didn’t need to see their doctor after all. Go figure.

I found out yesterday that I’ve been approved for SSDI! I applied in frickin’ December! Nor did I have to see their doctors. Guess I’m pretty disabled, eh?

My monthly payment will be about $1k, which will cover the rent with some change left over. I’ll get a year of backpay, which amounts to five figures. They’re going to direct deposit it when they deposit my first check; they pay out on the third Wednesday of each month and are a month behind. So my March check will be deposited in April.

I talked to my adjudicator in Springfield, and she said I can toss that SSDI Evaluation! Sweet.

The local SSA office wanted me to come in so they could process my SSI claim, which I don’t qualify for because Brian makes way too much at his new job. Still, they wanted to make sure that they didn’t owe me any money so I stopped by yesterday with the paperwork. I didn’t even have to take a number; the guard took my documents to the…counselor? But when I had questions he couldn’t answer, she was nice enough to see me at her window and explain everything.

This is such a relief! And of course I’m going on a shopping spree! We’ll finally be able to get wedding rings. The ones I want are super expensive, but we never had a wedding, so we deserve it! I only wish we could get them in time for our anniversary, but better late than never!

Of course I’d still like to do this, but ECT has really messed up my memory, particularly things like vocabulary, some cognitive abilities, and teaching different writing styles. Know that feeling of having a word on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t think what it is? Well, that’s how it is for me all the fucking time. And if I can’t fucking teach writing, let alone remember words, how the hell am I supposed to write? I don’t mean blogging, but like, specific writing genres like personal essays, research writing, poetry, and so on.

At least the ECT procedure is much more humane and refined in this century, and unlike Hemingway, I had ECT voluntarily (well, there wasn’t much left for me try in terms of meds). In fact, I’ve had more treatments than he did, but he ended up committing suicide because of them. I know I’ve quoted this on my blog before, but I feel that it needs to be mentioned again.

According to the Citizens Commission on Human Rights:

Nobel Prize-winning author Ernest Hemingway was tricked into admitting himself to a psychiatric institution. He was given more than 20 electroshock treatments. The result devastated him. Shortly afterwards, he told a friend, “Well, what is the sense of ruining my head and erasing my memory, which is my capital, and putting me out of business? It was a brilliant cure but we lost the patient….” In July 1961, days after being released from the Mayo psychiatric clinic, Hemingway committed suicide.

By the way, according to Neil A. Grauer, in the article “Remembering Papa” published in the July/August 1999 issue of Cigar Aficionado, Hemingway supposedly bought the gun he used to off himself from Abercrombie. I shop there sometimes. How fucked up is that? At least they don’t sell weapons anymore.

I owed the public library all of $1.30 since August of 2004 and today I finally paid it! I don’t know why it took me so long; it isn’t like the library is far from where I live or anything, but at least I can now scratch this off my list.

Actually, I owe a huge fine to my undergrad library, but that’s because they think I lost a book I checked out that I have yet to return. However, we’ve moved, so now I need to find it again! I’m sure it’s around here somewhere, and once I return it they won’t make me pay the fine. Besides, it’s a book that a former prof for whom I was a research assistant needs from time to time, so maybe he can use some of his influence for me. Heehee.

It really wasn’t until this past August or September that I started getting serious about working out, mainly because I started playing hockey again. And it worked!

When I started this endeavor a couple of years ago, I weighed 141 lbs., then ended up gaining 6 more. My goal was to get dowh to 120 lbs., and I’m now at 119.8. Yay, me!!!!! I briefly considered trying to lose 4 to 5 more lbs., but as Brian pointed out, all the weight I have now is muscle. Sure, there’s still a teeny bit of flab around my tummy, but nothing that the Medieval Torture Machine—I mean, the Ab Cruncher machine at the gym can’t fix.

I didn’t change my diet all that much, either, though because of my GI problems, I’ve tried to avoid dairy products when possible. So I’ve been drinking soy lattes. For the most part, though, I still pretty much eat whatever and as much as I want, but I’ve really tried to cut out junk food.

This is a really big thing for me, and I’m totally proud of myself!!!!!

The SSA sent forms to both Brian and me to fill out. WTF? Luckily, my case manager mostly filled out mine for me and had me do the rest. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, and then he faxed them where they needed to go, so they’d get there faster.

Still waiting…

After a month (at least) of not going to the gym, I finally went back today. Brian has been working out a few days out of the week, or at least playing basketball. I’m still playing hockey and have gone to public skate a few times with some of my teammates.

The depression has made doing anything really tough, so I’m glad that I finally went. We didn’t go first thing in the morning, which is my preference, but at least I did it.

I just did a 30-minute cardio work-out and some stretching instead of 20 minutes of cardio, lifting, and stretching, which is what we usually do on Sundays. I figure it was enough that I actually went.

Listen to the audiopost here.

Which is probably good. My case manager got me an appointment for next Wednesday, so we’ll be going down to the SSA office then.

While meeting with my case manager today, he was on hold for an hour with the SSA office trying to get me an appointment. He gave up, and we decided to crash the place the week after next, even if it means having to sit there for four hours waiting to be seen. I just want to get this shit going.

I finally managed to make myself call my past employers to track down my employment history for the past 15, that’s right, 15 years in order to complete the SSDI form. This isn’t easy when the longest job you’ve ever had was for three years, but also because when I was last able to work, I was an adjunct professor, which meant that I had to teach at whatever school had openings available.

Met with my case manager yesterday, but he said he didn’t want to call the SSA office for an appointment yet because it was the end/first of the month and they’d be too busy. Anyway, he said he’ll be meeting with one of the workers next week or so and will try to sneak in an appointment for me.

I was incredibly surprised to find that I’m at 130 lbs. when I weighed myself at the gym today. I didn’t work out yesterday, but the other day I was at like, 131.2 or something like that. I hadn’t had a BM in two days despite all the Metamucil—until yesterday. It’s amazing how much of a difference taking a shit can make, isn’t it? Haha!

i go to the gym seven days a week. on six of those days i do a 20-minute cardio work-out and alternate days of lifting for arms and legs. on the seventh day, i do a 30 minutes of cardio.

three days a week i play hockey: one pick-up game, a practice, and a regular game. since hockey has started (mid-September), i’ve found it difficult to keep up with my gym routine. these past couple of weeks, i’ve been tired both mentally and physically, and not a little sore, mainly after hockey practice.

i’ve heard of people working out too much, but it isn’t like i’m bench pressing 200 lbs. or anything like that. still, i wonder if i should cut down on going to they gym, at least during hockey season. i’m 37, after all, not 27.