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Rather than saying: “I need to…; I should…; I can’t…; etc.” I am working on saying: “I’m working towards…; I want to…; This is difficult but these are the steps I’m taking” It helps me to do these things because then I don’t have as much to beat myself up for. When I make it black and white, all or nothing I rarely meet my expectations. By no means am I anywhere close to making this switch a complete reality but it is something I’m working towards. It’s a little bit of cognitive psychology I suppose…a way of reworking the thought process. It helps when friends or counselors point out the little quirks in thought processes because not having confidence becomes normal and the self-critic that rages within many of us I’m sure becomes an acquaintance. I’m choosing to fight that and change how I feel and live and this is just one of the steps.

There was a long time I didn’t know if I believed in God or not. I believe. I’m still lacking the connection. There are times that show me God is real and those are the small coincidences in life, nature’s natural beauties. People can tell me that it’s due to something else but I know that God is the creator of these things. I’m not one to disclaim science reasoning or evolution, I believe in logical understanding and it’s much easier for me to accept but I do believe God is still there. I don’t think I know enough about God to really feel His presence. Does anyone have any advice? I would like to read the Bible and gain a better understanding for it, I also want to start a prayer journal. It’s hard because I want to do these things but I think I am afraid. I’m afraid of letting God down but deep down I know He is who I need the most right now. If I am able to develop a faith like I want to, I will be stronger through my struggles and be filled more with substance that I can in turn spread unto others. It’s just so hard not to know and have lots of my friends seem so together around this subject. I sometimes feel like they don’t want to talk to me because I am a “newer” believer. Maybe this isn’t the case but it hurts to feel so alone at times when I need others to help me understand. I guess I could ask…it’s not that easy though. Ahh…sorry this is kind of random and probably not making that much sense. I’m just writing without really thinking that much about what I’m saying, so if that is the case I’m sorry if you are reading it. Anyways, I just wanted to write to see if I could maybe process some of these things.

I posted a message on facebook today, where all of my friends, school mates, everyone can read it. I’ve decided I’m going to be open because I’ve kept this disorder a secret for so long and it only adds to the disgust I feel towards myself. I’m not sure whether this was the right decision. Right now I’m feeling pretty damn anxious but I did it…AHHH!!! I’m going to try and make some of the other changes besides just being open so I can continue to battle this disorder. The entry is below:

I’m writing because I have a secret that tears me apart inside and prevents me from living, building relationships, progressing, learning, being whole, and so much more. I’m not sure posting this as a note on facebook is really the best idea but I’m taking a step. It may be poorly thought out on my part but it’s easier for me than telling people face to face. One more thing, I’m not writing this to ask for pity or for a swarm of false friendships. I’m doing this because I can’t live with this secret any longer.

I battle with an eating disorder every single day. Some of my friends know I had one, some know I still struggle, and others know nothing at all. I’ve struggled with it all: anorexia, bulimia, overeating. I’m convinced it’s one of the hardest things ever to deal with. The fact is it’s an addiction and a disease. There are many times where I say I will never do this again, or I just need to “get over it” but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know whether writing this will help me or not but I have to take a chance because I can’t live the life I am living right now. I’m sick of the things I do and the secret I shove away due to embarrassment and shame. I’m so afraid right now thinking about the repercussions of this but I’m not sure what else to do. I want to live the life I dream of and aspire for, I want to help others who may be going through a similar battle, and I want to be there for my friends. Every day my eating disorder wins I am not doing these things. I end up digging myself into a deeper hole and the thought of this hole closing in scares me.

The constant battle inside tears me up and causes many of my passing moments to be ones of waste. This is not how I want to live the life I have been given. As much as I don’t want to accept or at times believe the fact, I know that the path of an eating disorder leads to death. I’m saying right now that I will not die this way and I am going to find a way to peace and tranquility, I will fulfill many of my dreams and goals, and I will diligently and confidently face the things that are brought in front of me .

I have been a hypocrite. I live life in fear and wait for things to happen. I give people advice and I can’t even take that advice for myself. I dream to be on top of things and living healthily, all of which I am failing. I long for close relationships but I don’t allow myself to become close to others because I fear they may run away or no longer be there due to my flaws and weaknesses. I want to be close to God and know Him but taking the steps to get there freak me out and I choose otherwise. I protect myself from life by not acting.

I am sick of being a victim to the beast inside of me and I am going to make changes in my life that will take me in a positive direction. I am not incapable of this however the path is not straightforward. I know this process will not be easy and I will have to struggle through a lot of things but I am confident that I will build a better understanding of myself and gain a greater appreciation for life.

I do believe that I can live a life in which I am proud of myself and I feel comfortable leaning on my friends and family when I’m not feeling so great. I will also be there for them through all aspects of life. There is a metaphor I heard that states that each person has a cup that is filled with positive substance. As the cup fills and becomes completely full, it starts to overflow. The overflow can be spread to others and there cups can become more full. Applying this to myself I notice that there are things that give substance to my cup, however there are a lot of things that take that substance away. I still want and try to fill others’ cups but I don’t have a lot to truly give right now.

I do not feel like I am as good of a friend as I would like to be, I’m not as good of a daughter as I would like to be, I’m not as good of a student as I would like to be. The point is that there are many roles I am in that I do not feel I am completely fulfilling despite what the reasoning may be. Furthermore, I am not trying to make myself feel bad about what I’m not doing. I’m opening my eyes to the areas that I would like to work on. As I make changes that take me in a positive direction, minimize the unnecessary things that still from my cup, and surround myself with a life in which I can fill up my cup I will be able to have a cup that is more often overfilling and therefore have more opportunity to share and spread my joy and fulfillment in life with others.