Rather than saying: “I need to…; I should…; I can’t…; etc.” I am working on saying: “I’m working towards…; I want to…; This is difficult but these are the steps I’m taking” It helps me to do these things because then I don’t have as much to beat myself up for. When I make it black and white, all or nothing I rarely meet my expectations. By no means am I anywhere close to making this switch a complete reality but it is something I’m working towards. It’s a little bit of cognitive psychology I suppose…a way of reworking the thought process. It helps when friends or counselors point out the little quirks in thought processes because not having confidence becomes normal and the self-critic that rages within many of us I’m sure becomes an acquaintance. I’m choosing to fight that and change how I feel and live and this is just one of the steps.
There was a long time I didn’t know if I believed in God or not. I believe. I’m still lacking the connection. There are times that show me God is real and those are the small coincidences in life, nature’s natural beauties. People can tell me that it’s due to something else but I know that God is the creator of these things. I’m not one to disclaim science reasoning or evolution, I believe in logical understanding and it’s much easier for me to accept but I do believe God is still there. I don’t think I know enough about God to really feel His presence. Does anyone have any advice? I would like to read the Bible and gain a better understanding for it, I also want to start a prayer journal. It’s hard because I want to do these things but I think I am afraid. I’m afraid of letting God down but deep down I know He is who I need the most right now. If I am able to develop a faith like I want to, I will be stronger through my struggles and be filled more with substance that I can in turn spread unto others. It’s just so hard not to know and have lots of my friends seem so together around this subject. I sometimes feel like they don’t want to talk to me because I am a “newer” believer. Maybe this isn’t the case but it hurts to feel so alone at times when I need others to help me understand. I guess I could ask…it’s not that easy though. Ahh…sorry this is kind of random and probably not making that much sense. I’m just writing without really thinking that much about what I’m saying, so if that is the case I’m sorry if you are reading it. Anyways, I just wanted to write to see if I could maybe process some of these things.
I posted a message on facebook today, where all of my friends, school mates, everyone can read it. I’ve decided I’m going to be open because I’ve kept this disorder a secret for so long and it only adds to the disgust I feel towards myself. I’m not sure whether this was the right decision. Right now I’m feeling pretty damn anxious but I did it…AHHH!!! I’m going to try and make some of the other changes besides just being open so I can continue to battle this disorder. The entry is below:
I’m writing because I have a secret that tears me apart inside and prevents me from living, building relationships, progressing, learning, being whole, and so much more. I’m not sure posting this as a note on facebook is really the best idea but I’m taking a step. It may be poorly thought out on my part but it’s easier for me than telling people face to face. One more thing, I’m not writing this to ask for pity or for a swarm of false friendships. I’m doing this because I can’t live with this secret any longer.
I battle with an eating disorder every single day. Some of my friends know I had one, some know I still struggle, and others know nothing at all. I’ve struggled with it all: anorexia, bulimia, overeating. I’m convinced it’s one of the hardest things ever to deal with. The fact is it’s an addiction and a disease. There are many times where I say I will never do this again, or I just need to “get over it” but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know whether writing this will help me or not but I have to take a chance because I can’t live the life I am living right now. I’m sick of the things I do and the secret I shove away due to embarrassment and shame. I’m so afraid right now thinking about the repercussions of this but I’m not sure what else to do. I want to live the life I dream of and aspire for, I want to help others who may be going through a similar battle, and I want to be there for my friends. Every day my eating disorder wins I am not doing these things. I end up digging myself into a deeper hole and the thought of this hole closing in scares me.
The constant battle inside tears me up and causes many of my passing moments to be ones of waste. This is not how I want to live the life I have been given. As much as I don’t want to accept or at times believe the fact, I know that the path of an eating disorder leads to death. I’m saying right now that I will not die this way and I am going to find a way to peace and tranquility, I will fulfill many of my dreams and goals, and I will diligently and confidently face the things that are brought in front of me .
I have been a hypocrite. I live life in fear and wait for things to happen. I give people advice and I can’t even take that advice for myself. I dream to be on top of things and living healthily, all of which I am failing. I long for close relationships but I don’t allow myself to become close to others because I fear they may run away or no longer be there due to my flaws and weaknesses. I want to be close to God and know Him but taking the steps to get there freak me out and I choose otherwise. I protect myself from life by not acting.
I am sick of being a victim to the beast inside of me and I am going to make changes in my life that will take me in a positive direction. I am not incapable of this however the path is not straightforward. I know this process will not be easy and I will have to struggle through a lot of things but I am confident that I will build a better understanding of myself and gain a greater appreciation for life.
I do believe that I can live a life in which I am proud of myself and I feel comfortable leaning on my friends and family when I’m not feeling so great. I will also be there for them through all aspects of life. There is a metaphor I heard that states that each person has a cup that is filled with positive substance. As the cup fills and becomes completely full, it starts to overflow. The overflow can be spread to others and there cups can become more full. Applying this to myself I notice that there are things that give substance to my cup, however there are a lot of things that take that substance away. I still want and try to fill others’ cups but I don’t have a lot to truly give right now.
I do not feel like I am as good of a friend as I would like to be, I’m not as good of a daughter as I would like to be, I’m not as good of a student as I would like to be. The point is that there are many roles I am in that I do not feel I am completely fulfilling despite what the reasoning may be. Furthermore, I am not trying to make myself feel bad about what I’m not doing. I’m opening my eyes to the areas that I would like to work on. As I make changes that take me in a positive direction, minimize the unnecessary things that still from my cup, and surround myself with a life in which I can fill up my cup I will be able to have a cup that is more often overfilling and therefore have more opportunity to share and spread my joy and fulfillment in life with others.
I binged tonight…but I know I was less occupied by the thoughts and feeling during the day. There were things during the day that led to difficult emotions that I am not completely aware of because I don’t acknowledge my feelings but I didn’t binge until late tonight. The lateness sucks, and the experience was awful but I need to focus on the good parts of the day. I’ve decided before that I am going to stop, and I haven’t. But I want to decide again. I know I will not be perfect and that the battle will be more difficult than I can imagine. I don’t face anything that is hard for me but rather let it slip by. I can’t keep doing this and I need to buck up and face things head on. I learned in a class today that people don’t simply say no to things without having something else to say yes to. Therefore I must find something that I can say yes to when my eating disorder is telling me otherwise. There are a lot of things I want to do: collage different adventures and experiences I’ve had, get in shape, write an autobiography, communicate with my friends better, yoga, learn to relax…and it’s so disappointing not to do these things. I may have too many and set my expectations to high but I can’t just turn and run when things don’t simply click. I’m sick of this eating disorder and I’m deathly afraid of what I will go through in the battle to overcome it completely but I do feel it will be worth it. I am not going to live this way forever…I’m vowing for that right now.
I’m failing. I want to give up but I’m not going to. I don’t know where to go or what to say to anyone. I want to be open with my friends but I don’t want to be weak. I know my issues are so much more than food but that’s what the symptoms are and it’s such a shame. I was talking with my psychiatrist yesterday and he asked me what I binged on and I can’t tell anyone. It’s so embarrassing. I’m going to write it on here. I don’t know any of you and you can’t see my face so it’s a little easier for me. Well, I binged this morning…already. What a great start to the day eh? Well I ate more than a whole box of cereal, pudding, and crackers. I don’t know how I can keep it down quite honestly. What the hell? I’m judging myself right now. But I’m not going to let this consume me. I’m more than my eating disorder and I am capable of overcoming this. Sorry if this entry is just annoying and stupid. I just have to let the secret out. And if any of you are reading this and saying that the binge I just described is not bad I’ve binged worse and I agree that this is less severe. If you are all disgusted I’m sorry. Good luck to all of you who have this same goal. It sucks and is one of the hardest things ever to deal with.
I made a goal a while ago, and I just was thinking to myself how I wasn’t following through. Enough times I find that I “don’t follow through” and I don’t do anything to change that…but I’m not going to let that be the case right now. I struggled tonight. I binged a couple times for no reason, except for maybe that I’m tired. I think I’m getting better and letting a little bit of emotion arise, or at least allowing myself to react to life’s situations without as much numbing out…if you know what I mean. But it still catches me, by no means have I stopped my old habits, but I don’t feel like I’m not trying to change. Change is so wierd, you don’t really see it as it happens, you only see the end result in comparison to where something started. Maybe that’s why people just want things right away, because that’s all the mind allows one to grasp. I don’t know. I’m just frustrated with myself. I’m really angry, frustrated, embarrassed, exhausted, and a million other not so pleasant things trying to hold ED up. It’s not that I want to, but something in me doesn’t let me let go. I haven’t been able to break free and it kills me day in and day out. It’s really hard to go through the simplest task without having my thoughts criticize myself. Due to what I’m accustomed to doing and used to I always seem to think about food, about my body and how my tire around my waist is growing daily, how everyone must notice, how I have rolls as if I am obese. I try not to listen, to tell myself that my mind is tweeked and my eyes are distorted but I don’t stop believing all these negative things. That’s why I have to write and talk. I have to write to help myself rationalize and I need to talk when I can’t and I need someone else to help fight the negativity. I am sorry to anyone who is totally lost right now. I just have to go with it and not re-read because then I will feel stupid, and I’m sick of that feeling. Good luck to you all who are trying to live in a way that will make you feel happier and better about the people you are. Everyone has qualities that are worth being expressed, and it’s okay to be the exact same as everyone and it’s okay to be completely peculiar in a group. Life isn’t made out of rights and wrongs, it is made out of what we allow it to be made up of so if we tell ourselves and believe what we say and do…we can make something of what we’re living.
Well, so much for those goals I made yesterday…I binged again tonight and I feel like shit. But again I have a person inside of me that wants to break free from this hell. I am thinking, there is always something inside of me that says it’s okay if I binge again, and the core of this thought is also telling me other things like, well now I can’t eat tomorrow and I better go run a bunch, and I’ll never do this again. What I’m realizing is how contradicting this side of me is. It’s something that is really part of who I am, but there is a better part of me that can’t seem to break free. The person I want to be is stuck in between all of these contradiction that make me up…but where do I find the balance? I’m so lost because one minute I say this and I get so excited, and then I fall into the world of nothingness, of binging and purging and wasting away. I lose all motivation and sight of anything bright. I shake and spin as if I’m incapable of anything else. There’s no stopping it feels like…but at some point I come out. I realize that I can change but I guess I don’t know how and right now I don’t feel like I can do it alone. I want to, but there is obviously a large part of me that doesn’t want to because I haven’t been able to stop and even though I may be depressed, I may have anxiety, this is a psychological issue, it is also who I am and it is a choice. What do I do? Do I tell everyone how fucked up I am or do I try to act as if everything is fine and hope faking it unil I make it will eventually become a reality? I’m really not sure on this one. Part of me feels like I be open but I’m so scared of the consequences of that. What if people leave me even more? What if people laugh? What if I still can’t change? AHHH!!! I’m going crazy and part of me just wants to end it all. Part of me wants to give up and really give in to something worse. I know I won’t but it scares me that I think about it. I’m so confused, but at the same time so ready to start over. The question is how long will it last though…will I be able to work through the confusion to a new beginning. I’m not sure. This entry is so all over the place and I’m sorry to anyone who reads it and is simply confused and annoyed, I don’t mean for it to be that way…I just don’t know how or what to say to help myself anymore.
So I had the best trip ever after my first year of college…totally spontaneous. Thank goodness we were both laid back and kind of went with the flow of where we were.
Right now I’m settled down, have a job, am supposed to be registering soon for classes…but I’m not happy. I’m not happy with this sedentary life. I’ve thought about in a year just leaving. Going out on my own, travelling across the country and who knows where else. Staying in towns now and then, maybe finding a few pick up jobs along the way, but never being tied down by seriousness, a lease, or some other thing like that.
I need my independence, and I need a place to grow…I really think a road trip will aid me in the goals I have for myself.
I want to be so negative right now. I want to beat myself up and end with…well tomorrow is the day but the thing is—I do that everyday. I beat myself up and somehow end up with a positive note only to fail again. So what is it, what is the answer? What is going to really keep me from binging when I come home for lunch, when my rooommates leave and I am alone, when I am driving and feel like shit about myself? I’m not sure but I have to find something to fill this urge. I am putting on the weight, which like someone said earlier, makes me hate myself more, which only leads to another binge. There are a lot of things I want to do that I haven’t been able to due to the time I spend binging and trying to purge. But for some reason, every time I have a moments rest and can do this I choose binging. I need to make baby goals I’m feeling, actually I know but it’s so hard with the way I have trained myself to think. If I want something, I want it right then…but that’s not the way life works. I need to remind myself that.
Well anyhow, I’m going to start with some goals that might be attainable so that I can build confidence.
*I’m going to try and post on here 3-5 times a week.
*I’m going to try and exercise 3 times each week.
*I am not going to come home for lunch in the next 3 weeks, but rather eat out or run errands.
*I am going to try and drink 8 glasses of water.
This is all for now, otherwise I think I will overwealm my self…which is not a good thing. If anyone want to start some sort of team goal building thing where we can check in and challenge each other in a positive direction, as long as no one takes it personally when you don’t exactly meet the goals let me know. I know these goals will not stop the binging, but they may aid in the process that is required.
I walked down the street this morning, a short little distance. It felt really refreshing and was a good task in the morning. There was difficulties in the mentality of doing it but it was nice to get out and get past the worry of doing it or not doing it…just going. I know this may be hard to understand but I have people around me that sometimes make me feel guilty for walking or being active…almost as if it was unhealthy or negative. I need to get past this though because I know it makes me feel good and I want to make it part of my every day life.
I live in a beautiful area and there are absoulutely amazing places to just go out and walk here. One problem, I lack motivation to start. BUT, when I do—it is amazing! I think, I calm down about certain things, I recognize some of my irrational doings, and I can move on. Lately I have been thinking that I would like to start my day with a walk. I can foresee myself making excuses like….”oh, it’s raining”; or “I don’t want my friend to think I’m ‘over-doing’ something”...I think what I need to do is just start. I’m going to try one tomorrow before work and hopefully that won’t fall through.
I’ve been to treatment for an eating disorder. I’ve done follow-up. But lately I haven’t done anything and I’m falling. I’m going back to old habits and new habits that are in the same spectrum. I know they don’t work and I hate being so aware of it yet still turning to them. I’m looking for a therapist right now but I”m a little bit worried. I”m worried that I’m going to find someone but still not follow through with the various assignments that they suggest to help me. I guess I’m writing this for a little bit of support because right now I feel pretty lost.
I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. I used to have so much control and now I lose it every time food is in sight. I want things to just stop everytime I’m about to pop due to fullness, and instead of doing something about it I eat more. I don’t get it. I’m confused. I’m lost. I’m hugely embarrassed and shamed. I really don’t know what direction to head. I want to stop but it seems like things are getting worse. If I am not on a vacation, with people, or completely set on what I’m doing it seems I turn to food; out of bordom?, loneliness?, confusion?, lack of motivation?, depression?, stress?...but even when things are going good it seems like I have to sabotage myself. AHHH!!! And then on here I put as another thing I “want to do” is stop eating. That’s a bunch of bullshit. I don’t want to stop eating but in a sense I do. I wish food could just be eliminated completely. Alcoholics don’t NEED alcohol to survive, smokers don’t need cigarettes to survive, but everyone needs food to survive and oh gosh, I just don’t even know. If anyone has anything that has helped them when they feel like they are on their last straw let me know. I just feel like I’m spinning in circles going deeper and deeper, trying to reach out and failing.
