jennifer

the joys of pregnancy. everything is so beautiful and wonderful being a new mother … minues the inflated flab of skin wrapped around my middriff. it’s gross. it even jiggles like an inflated water ballon. it makes me sick. mark my words, i will never wear a bikini again, it’s just .. repulsive. okay, maybe i am overexaggerating a little bit. i am only 7lbs more than my prepregnancy weight, regardless, i can’t live like this. my selfesteem was not that fantastic before, and this nasty flab isn’t helping me out much. i need to work out, pronto.

i have a baby now, so who knows if this will ever be possible. don’t get me wrong, i wasn’t even sure if i wanted to do it anyways, but regardless, it’s crazy how things change. no worries though, it’s for the better, my baby boy is for the better :] he’s my world.

It seems like since day one I have given him chance after chance after chance. I always seem to think that he really “didn’t mean to hurt me” or he has “learned his lesson.” But it’s to the point where I could easily walk away from him. Call me a bitch, but we’re suppose to be a family now, I’m suppose to be his fiance..hiding things, and lying about things is way beyond me. I’m not going to do it anymore. I won’t let him do this to me. Even though it was the littest thing, it is still the one thing that he knows rips at my heart the most. If he feels like he needs “closure” with her, better closure, a friendly type of closure rather than the last blow out we all had together, then maybe he should take time to go do that, alone, out of this apartment. How can he say that he is trying to be a mature person? A mature person wouldn’t lie to me about it because he knows I would get mad, a mature person wouldn’t lie to me about telling her to leave him alone, a mature person wouldn’t lie and hide the same type of thing two fucking days later. Ugh. The nerve that boy has, and yes I say boy, he doesn’t deserve to be called a man. He is too immature. If after two years he still can’t shake this bullshit without sneaking behind my back and going to it again, then chances are he’s never going to learn. What am I suppose to do? I have the most beautiful three week old baby, and I don’t want him to grow up the way I did, with divorced fighting parents. Then again, I don’t want him to grow up learning that it’s ok to lie, that women are weak. He seriously has a lying problem, and to make it worse, he is the worst lier! I honestly don’t know how to handle this. Do I say ok, one more chance? Do I say fuck you, you’ve had more chances than I can count? Do I leave? Do we live under the same roof until the lease is up? Do I trust him again? I can’t. End of story. Love isn’t enough sometimes. And it kills me to realize that.