jennifer

i have a baby now, so who knows if this will ever be possible. don’t get me wrong, i wasn’t even sure if i wanted to do it anyways, but regardless, it’s crazy how things change. no worries though, it’s for the better, my baby boy is for the better :] he’s my world.

It seems like since day one I have given him chance after chance after chance. I always seem to think that he really “didn’t mean to hurt me” or he has “learned his lesson.” But it’s to the point where I could easily walk away from him. Call me a bitch, but we’re suppose to be a family now, I’m suppose to be his fiance..hiding things, and lying about things is way beyond me. I’m not going to do it anymore. I won’t let him do this to me. Even though it was the littest thing, it is still the one thing that he knows rips at my heart the most. If he feels like he needs “closure” with her, better closure, a friendly type of closure rather than the last blow out we all had together, then maybe he should take time to go do that, alone, out of this apartment. How can he say that he is trying to be a mature person? A mature person wouldn’t lie to me about it because he knows I would get mad, a mature person wouldn’t lie to me about telling her to leave him alone, a mature person wouldn’t lie and hide the same type of thing two fucking days later. Ugh. The nerve that boy has, and yes I say boy, he doesn’t deserve to be called a man. He is too immature. If after two years he still can’t shake this bullshit without sneaking behind my back and going to it again, then chances are he’s never going to learn. What am I suppose to do? I have the most beautiful three week old baby, and I don’t want him to grow up the way I did, with divorced fighting parents. Then again, I don’t want him to grow up learning that it’s ok to lie, that women are weak. He seriously has a lying problem, and to make it worse, he is the worst lier! I honestly don’t know how to handle this. Do I say ok, one more chance? Do I say fuck you, you’ve had more chances than I can count? Do I leave? Do we live under the same roof until the lease is up? Do I trust him again? I can’t. End of story. Love isn’t enough sometimes. And it kills me to realize that.

i miss you more than i have ever missed anyone or anything. and you make it so hard for me to come back, just to say a simple hello. your photo’s remind me that i can’t do this, but our memories remind me that we once did. not one day goes by where you’re not on my mind. you could never understand my way of thinking when it came to us, and visa versa, which just adds another block to this already impossibly high wall. i’m sorry that as a friend i ask for too much of your attention, and i’m sorry that as a lover i just can’t be. in my eyes losing this friendship has hurt me more than losing any sort of lover in the past. i do love you, just not how you love me, and i do miss you, just not how you miss me. and i can’t help that my life has taken me on a completely different path than planned. i can’t help that you tugged on my world over and over and caused me to give up on something that i thought i wanted more than anything. you don’t understand me in that aspect, but you understand everything that no one else does, and that is why i need you. i need you in my life. i need you as my bestfriend. i need you, but you don’t need me. we’re both selfish. i want a friendship, knowing it kills your heart. and you want my heart, knowing it will kill our friendship. i don’t know if i can go on day after day wondering what amazing things we could accomplish together. it breaks my heart and tears at my soul, every day, it breaks.